so i think it is time

so in one month Amanda and i are going on vacation to oklahoma and she has told me that i can't expect her to to like  or be nice to my dad and she is right i honestly can not ask that of her.

at times it is real hard for me to be respectful and nice to him and now i honestly think that it is time for me to tell him how i really feel to tell him how much pain he has caused me and at times after i talk to him and then look in johnathons and jerimiahs eyes i wonder how any man can do their son like that.i raised three step kids for 8 years and i love them dearly and i could never turn my back on them ever

I am going to do it at my moms house with my sister and mom and dustin and mike I am gonna tell him that in order for him to be a part of my life he is gonna have to admitt that he was wrong and his wife is gonna have to admitt that she was wrong.Of course at that moment i will no longer have a father because he is a coward who wont stand up to his wife not even for his own son. while he was in her comfy house or riding her fucking harley i was in juvenile detention getting beaten and raped every time my cell door opened it was a fight for me most of which i lost because it was me against a whole pod never all at the same time but never less than 3 unless i attacked one as soon as my door popped and beat him until a gaurd locked me up again. only to be released a broken drug addict who woke up every day wishing he hadnt.and that is how i would spend most of the last 11 years hating life so much that it was just easier for me to stick a needle in my arm and forget the pain that sometimes seems so over bearing and the anger that i am scared one day may send me back to prison.most days since i have been here with amanda and the boys everything is fine i dont know what triggers my thoughts or why i sometimes just start thinking about how much of a coward my father is

any ways i am not a boy any more i am a man and i have done more for my 3 step kids that man ever did for me.but i was young and i to made a lot of mistakes but i have a really great woman really great kids and i am dope free and now when i start having these dark thoughts i write or read the bible with the kids but i dont think hey i wanna do a shot of dope

but i do need to draw the line with my father and he can either admitt his wrong and be a father or kick fucking rocks

damn i wish i could hold her all day

well Dave is running late and Amanda is taking the day off and i just wish that i could crawl back in bed with her and hold her all day long that would be my idea of a perfect way to spend this day. instead I'll have to miss and long for her all day long she is definitely where my heart is at and where my thoughts are all day

baby i love you and i hope that you get the rest and relaxation that you have been needing and i want you to know that all day long i will be missing you

damn i love her

so last night was so fucking wonderful all though i am paying for it now because i did not get shit for sleep.

Amanda and I laid in each others arms all night as i caressed her soft silky skin.she kept telling me how much she loves me and how much she needs me and it made me glow on the inside.

I wish every night could be just like that

well with a little more sleep

AMANDA BABY I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW AND U ARE STUCK WITH ME FOREVER CAUSE I DON'T GIVE UP I DON'T KNOW HOW

 

they are worth it

so my girl has been talking about quitting smoking pot for a while now and I have been very very hesitant,because to be honest I am an unstable person and marijuana stabilizes me.When I was in prison my mom mentioned me getting put on anti depressants. I did not like that idea because all though prescription medicine is legal i am not very impressed with the idea of trading one addiction for another.Any ways the other day after our big fight and my trip to the bus station  i went across the street to get some smoke they could not get any but where smoking so i stayed and smoked.when i heard Amanda calling me i came outside and when the heat hit me i felt all blah and we still had laundry to do so i started thinking maybe i would try this non smoking thing i told Amanda that we were gonna get a lil bit of smoke to get through the week end and on Monday we would quit.monday morning went just like any other alarm clock went off at 4 am and i started doing my journal and book. I had not been awake long when i heard her sisters boyfriend arguing with the neigbor.it was no big deal just some Mohawk drama.any ways i woke amanda up for work and she left.the kids and i had a pretty good day .Johnathan wanted to play at trishes so i took Cory and miah to the park while we were out cory ran off so as i was chasing him a guy my girl knows called me over so him and his ol'lady could smoke with me and then give me some.that really pissed amanda off but near as much as it disappointed her.see she is counting on me to be strong and i was not, even though her and the boys are worth it

more drama

so if you read my journal you know I lost my job because a 300 pound coward tried to threaten me and because of his size or who he is I guess he thought that I would bow down except I can not bow down to anyone other than my king my savior, Christ the king,and my God calls me to be meek and mild and I try to be that but He also calls us to be assertive soldiers to his army see being meek does not mean being weak.The man that called me out is supposed to be a Christian and has a sober living home,but he is a racist and a bigot which at times I can be as well but I am not trying to parade myself as more than I am.Any ways his step son is one of my girlfriends friends best friend. I was at his house last night and he said something about it I told him what happened but felt tension and left. So I see him today and I tell him that I don't want my falling out with his friends dad to cause problems over here.He told me that he knew them for years and if some one gives orders he'll ride with some home boys to do whatever , cause josh is that man. I can not say anything about any man all I can say is I AM THAT MAN whatever that may mean to you but I have a dilemma and it is this. I am trying very hard to leave that man buried, retired whatever because I have been that man not because that man is who I am but who I have always had to be to survive but at the same time I know men that are more dangerous than me that would kill for me and all of that and this is non sense.To me this is a dead issue but I pray to my God who has always given me strength and wisdom and protection.To guide my heart and feet with his wisdom and protect me and my family like he always has before and as always grant me my strength when i need it and his forgiveness when its done.

another great day

so yesterday was another almost perfect day.even though i fell asleep and didnt wake up in time to get the house clean for amanda.she did not come in and start a fight but rather just started cleaning. i felt like a piece of shit for not having the house clean because i know that she had had a bad day and was tired.we had a really great dinner and love makings and then went to bed.If only everyday could be so perfect

 

my boys

me johnathon and miah

so they are not mine by blood but these boys make my day worth waking up to. we spent the day riding bikes and playing at the park now miah is sleeping and i am thinking about taking a nap before i clean and cook the steaks that i have marinating my baby is having a hard day cause they are short handed where she works at so i'm gonna masage her when she gets home and then serve her a great dinner

good night

 

more days like that

so this is the love of my lifesee her sexy eyes they captivate me

the last two days have been damn near perfect and it is hard to believe that just a couple of days ago i was at a bus station on my way home over a petty argument that we both blew way out of proportion

i am just glad that we have another chance because being here with amanda and her boys i am the man that i am supposed to be because they give me something to drive for a purpose a goal to shoot for

and there is no way i could allow myself to let them down i was only gone for one night and it felt like an eternity

its as if we never happened

those are probably the 6 most painful words i have ever heard Amanda and i got into a fight the night before last and she threw me out.After that things got a little physical. I accidentally busted her lip but i did not punch her i threw her on the bed.her mom and step dad came because she told them that i beat her up i spent the night in a run down motel missing her but every time that i called she told me that it was as if we never happened and that i needed to catch a bus back to oklahoma it was so hard not to do dope with the bitch in the next room over and if i was not so scared of going to hell i believe i would have probably killed myself.I finally got drunk enough to sleep but was still awake at about 3:30 am and started calling again.i fell back asleep nd when i woke up it was like 7:30 so i called her job they said that she was not there so i called her home number and didn't get any answer so i got dressed and walked to the mohawks i knocked and then rang the door bell.she came to the window and saw that it was me and then just said hell no and shut the window.she told me taht she never wanted to see me again.when her step dad came to get me to work me a couple of hours and then take me to the bus stop i was very drunk and in a state of deep depression and anger he made arrangents for me to get my cell phone.once it was charged enough to use i started calling amanda at first she was still cold but by time i got to the bus station she was starting to calm down she finally decided to come get me as the bus was pulling up.but when she got there before i put my bags in the car she told me that she had been talking to some guy over the internet named adam and that she gave him our number and that if he called i better not give her any problems and to be honest i still have a big problem with that because while i was gone i had no desire to talk to anyone but her and she wanted to talk to anybody but me.she has a problem with this 45 year old woman that i talked to before i ever met her and she has been nothing but a good friend to me.I just hope that Amanda knows what i gave up to stay here with her.I had a damn good job already lined up loading and un loadind big rigs for my best friend since i was 16 pete formally known as the pooh bear.it pays 12 dollars an hour and our first trip was gonna be 3 weeks in vegas.but i just could not bring myself to leave if she wanted me to stay but if she kicks me out again then i will be gong home to no job and way out in the middle of no where where it is hard to get a job with out a drivers license. I know this much as i pulled up to the bus stop in indio i just wanted to cry because it was that very parking lot where i held her in my arms for the very first time. the very first place our lips first met.and as i pulled in i knew that the trip home was gonna be a lot longer journey than the trip to finally meet the one that i love. because every mile that that bus traveled away from her and the boys i knew my heart would grow colder and darker,until it was finally the stone heart that it once was from the time i was 15 until i was 18.and all of the people that knew that joe  will tell you that he was not a real good guy. i mean if you were close you were okay but if not you were subject to be a victim to my pain and violence and it was not pretty.but she came and got me so now we just have to work a little harder i guess. i know in my heart she is worth fighting for and when i fight for something i dont lose often, but for some reason when it comes to the love in my heart i always wind up broken and defeated 

these lops got this country boy fucked up

are all these punks in caliifornia some fake ass cowards i lost my job today and almost had to kick my bosses ass. all because my back hurt and for like the 4th or 5th time my boss asked me if i was using again.as a recovering addict you always have urges and temptations and as if that is not enough it is like someone always doubts you.where i come from respect is very important. all i wanted to do is look at power tools on my lunch my time. The assistant manager told me that i could not be in the store, see i work in the yard but i told him that i was on lunch he told me that i was still wearing a bar lumber shirt. i told him that i could turn it inside out at this point plumb irratated.He told me on the way outside that i was missing the point.That finally did it, i told him no he was missing the point i was not on the clock that this was my private time and he was not my boss for 30 more minutes.He told me if i kept talking like that to him we could clock out which maybe i'm wrong but where i come from that is either a threat or an invitation.Either way i pulled off my shirt and reminded him that i was off the clock and i didnt care if he was 300 pounds or who he was before he went to prison.I was and I am JOE POWERS those that know me will tell you that i am the kindest most generous and sensitive person they know I listen and I care i can be depended on.I say please and thank you sir and mam and if you aint in to that then i dont give a damn.On the flip side those that really know me will tell you dont disrtespect, lie to or steal from joe.once i am pushed past my breaking pointe i can be the most ruthless cold hearted cold blooded soldier you will meet,That is right i said soldier, trained by a soldier to be a soldier, thank you grampa harry.okay i am pretty much done whining and bitching.but before i end this i would like to say thank you to Amanda this is the first time i have ever had a woman that didnt start a fight with me when i got home over something like that it is just that i know what i'm worth i know i am a good employee i get there early every morning and i work hard every day and i wont work for anyone that doesnt acknowledge that and i wont let any man talk to me like i'm a nigger or a punk

when she says she loves me

so Amanda has spoken these words twice now I LOVE YOU both times she was laying her head on my chest and everything just felt so perfect when she says it she kinda blurts it out not because the words are un true but because the fact that it is true scares the fuck out of her she was in was in an abusive relationship with an unfaithful piece of shit that is a disgrace like real men like my self so sometimes when we fight i think she expects me to act like him so much that she even acts as though i am acting like him but i already knew all of that when i hopped on that bus and she is worth fighting for and being patient and earning her trust the reason that it is so easy to understand is because i to had just been recently hurt so i know how hard it is to trust and believe and open  your heart  up again after it has just been betrayed and broken believe me i struggle with the same thing myself daily i still find my self wondering can it be true have i really found some one that will love me and cherish me and appreciate all that i am willing to do  to make sure that she is getting the happiness and joy out of life that she deserves i just need her to trust in me and believe in me i need her to support my decisions even if she does not understand them or even at times if she down right disagrees with the decision that i am about to make i need her to trust in the fact that i always have my  reasons  and that i would not make a decision that would endanger her or our boys and that i consider her and the boys and our life  together on every decision that i have to make even on the littlest of things i think of them first i want so badly to  give her and our kids everything that they have wanted and deserved for so long now and buy all rights they should have been getting all along it is a simple need just a loving  stable home life with a loving father and mother and for Amanda a loving honest faithful man that will be a good father and husband some one she can learn to depend on and not  be disappointed in her decision to trust again Amanda you asked me if i really loved you tonight and i want you to know that i love deeper and more passionately than any man that you have ever known i have still been keeping  part of myself and my heart guarded and have been having a little bit of trouble completely opening up my heart and myself to you i guess the truth is i am still completely terrified of being betrayed again and having my heart crushed all over again there were so many times right before the LORD blessed me with you that i sat in my room all alone with a fat sack of dope a brand new box of needles and every time that i though about something painful i would just do another bump  and sit  lost confused lonely completely broken the thought of dyeing actually brought me comfort i robbed gangsters and killers and then went and partied at their clubs  even bragged about it to their homies and i guess even some killers can be some bitches and now when i think back on it i can not imagine feeling that low and i can not imagine having amanda and her two precious sons taken out of my life i t would be to much i think

FIGHT NIGHT THATS RIGHT

WELL TONIGHT DID NOT GO SO WELL, I SPENT QUITE A BIT OF MONEY FOR WHAT WAS Supposed TO HAVE BEEN A GREAT NIGHT.i INVITED SOME GUYS FROM WORK TO COME WATCH THE KING OF THE CAGE FIGHT ON PAY PER VIEW.THEN THIS LAZY FAT FUCKING WET BACK WANTS TO TELL ME THAT I DONT WORK HARD ENOUGH I WORK 7 DAYS A WEEK HE TOLD ME BEING A STEP DAD IS NOT LIKE BEING A DAD BUT HE SEES HIS DAUGHTER ONCE EVERY OTHER Saturday AT CHUCKEE CHEESE WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW ABOUT BEING A DAD AND THEN TELL ME THAT DAN AND Kyle AND HOLLIE ARE NOT MY KIDS I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.THEN I ASKED Amanda IF IT WOULD BE A PROBLEM IF I CALLED HIM OUT SHE SAID THAT IT WOULD BE A BIG PROBLEM.RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT HE MADE A COMMENT ABOUT HE WOULD LIKE TO SEE ME I TOLD HIM THAT IT COULD Defiantly HAPPEN.NOW I RESPECTED THE WOMAN THAT I LOVE AND OUR BOYS. AND I MAKE MONEY AND WILL NOT LET MY GIRL OR KIDS GO WITH OUT.BUT I TOLD HER THAT Monday I MAY LOSE MY JOB BECAUSE I WAS GONNA CALL THIS PUNK TO THE BATHROOM SO THAT HE COULD SEE ME.ALL I NEEDED WAS HER LOVE AND SUPPORT NOT ONLY DO I DESERVE THAT I NEED IT.i HAVE NEVER LET ANYONE DISRESPECT Defiantly NOT IN MY HOME BUT I GUESS THIS REALLY IS NOT MY HOME IT IS HERS AND I RESPECTED IT EVEN THOUGH THAT MEANT THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE DISRESPECTED IN THE PLACE THAT I AM Supposed TO CALL HOME.

fight night

so tonight we are having a little get together to watch the king of the cage fight on pay per view.I've got some guys coming from work and Amanda has invited some of her friends.any ways i am pretty sure that it is gonna be good times.We went to Jonothans open house last night, it felt good to hear the teacher acknowledge how much better he has been doing.He has been trying damn hard and for the most part succeeding.I ran into some problems trying to get my drivers license yesterday, my suspension from Oklahoma showed up they make it so fucking hard to get right after living wrong so long.Like just getting your life back together is not already hard enough right,but I have never been a quitter I guess that now I am just gonna have to get an attorney to handle it for me

were gonna make it cause i need her

so the night before last Amanda and I got into a pretty big fight over some pretty petty shit that could have been avoided with a little bit of communication.I am a pretty laid back mellow guy and I do my best not to get angry or lose my temper.I love Amanda and the boys and the life that we are trying to build together.It is just that I am a very deep emotional person that has been hurt and crushed so many times.At times I just have to take a little time for me or I become like a fucking time bomb.If I don't  all of my feelings and thoughts come out in the form of anger and depression.Over the years I have learned how to tell when I am getting close or how not to explode or implode.I just hope that Amanda can understand how much I love her and the boys and that we can learn to communicate a little bit better.I also hope that I can get past my trust issues and insecurites.I want to be able to trust Amanda ,I know that not every woman is the same and she shouldn't have to prove anything because of what someone else did but it is like the other night when she said something about going to the bar while I watched the king of the cage fight on pay per view.My heart dropped in to my stomach and then I remembered all of the hurt that I felt when I found out the Michelle had fucked a cab driver on the way home from the bar.Then to make it worse she had an affair with another guy she met at another bar.Who I might add was a bitch ass punk that got his ass smashed out on his own door step  while his neigbors watched,punk.  any ways I don't even know if I could handle her going to the bar but I should be able to

so last night was damn near perfect

last night was so wonderful , we didn't do anything but eat frozen pizza cause we forgot to pull anything out for dinner.Then Jonothan and I did our bible study after Amanda and i snuggled, it was just a quiet night with the ones I love.The only way it could have been better is we were in Oklahoma or if my sister was here.Then I wake up this morning and I have an e mail from the whore that did everything she could do to destroy me.I sent her a response telling her to leave my family and I alone any ways peace 

happy mothers day

well yesterday was mothers day and i think everything went really well it wasn't as nice or as romantic as i had hoped for but i definitely think that Amanda enjoyed it.I did find her the perfect gift and something for my mom and sister nonie so score for mothers day

last night was great

last night was pretty great we didn't do anything special, just hung out around the house but to me that is special.I work so much that the time i get to spend with Amanda and the boys means the world to me.The quite little moment when miah lays his head on my shoulder or when i'm snuggling with Amanda on the couch.Even just going to get the laundry with Jonathan.I can't wait to go back to being an electrician.Even though I made the same amount of money as a maintenance man at the flying j truck stop as i did as an apprentice i always felt better when i could say i'm an apprentice rather than i work at a truck stop.And as an apprentice you are moving towards something.Not just making ends meat.I just want to be able to give amanda and the boys the world.

nightmares

so i was woke up last night or this morning rather by my own nightmares.which is quite wierd cause i haven't had nightmares in years.but it was  not like your normal nightmare with monsters or death or shit like that.In my nightmare I had pissed amanda off and she had left me anyways i  kept trying to call her but i could not get any phone to work the numbers on some of the phones were mixed up and not in the right order and then other phones would go dead just as soon as I got through.I know for some of you reading this your saying thats not a nightmare thats just some stupid silly dream.to that I say fuck off cause it felt like a fucking nightmare to me.I woke up devastated and crushed , kind of silly hunh.

dwelling in the past

i've been told that i dwell in the past and i have been doing an awful lot of thinking on the matter and i dont think that it is so much that i dwell on the past as the past dwells in me.i focus on my future and i work hard to accomplish what i want out of life.but my memories, issues and pain do always seem to kick my ass and everytime things fall into place i somehow seem to mess it all up.i've been succesful so many times and fucked it off time and time again. anyways blah blah blah

isolation

                   isolation isolation murder makes you cold

               isolation isolation now the truth is being told

                the truth now can never make up for my past

                        i buried this shit along time ago

                  i guess i should have left that coffin closed

                cause now my memories have me in a choke hold

                i don't want your pity or expect you to understand

                   i lived a big part of my life a broken man

               but broken as i was i always held my head high

                 never afraid to fight for what i thought was right

                                            but mistakes and all

                              always a soldier in MY LORDS eyes

almost there

well i'm fucking beat my shoulder has been hurting for two days now,but i am almost there.One week from today I am taking two days off ad i'm not gonna do anything on those two days except smoke a lot of pot and write.Then i'll be back on a month run of work,but at least those two days should catch me up on rest and relaxation.I am so proud of jonathan he has been having  a problem at school with getting tickets and he has not gotten any in the last two days..I know that being good at school is hard and so is being a kid but he is trying so damn hard and I just wanted to say I am really proud of him and his effort

my little guy is three

jeremiah had his birthday party yesterday he was so happy.No matter what is going on when jonathan or jeremiah smiles it cuts right to my heart.I only wish that I could make Amanda smile more.Sometimes I feel like she is never satisfied or happy,and I am doing all that i can.I worked like 80 hours this last week I am beat and I still have 10 days to go before I am taking a day off.I dont know maybe I am just tired and bitchy or whiny but I doubt it

pain from the past

   wow memories and life can sure be painful at times i just got a message from my little sister on my my space,but I am not talking about from rachel or nonie.This message was from my little sister Searra, the one I was accused of molesting,she hates her mother as well.She told me that she thought that i was mad at her because not only did her mom file bogus rape charges on me but she filed a restraing order on me for everyone in her household.The next time that i saw searra my mother and i had been fighting and i was kinda on the streets.I needed to take a shit so i went to my grandparents house.we have never knocked at our families house so i walked right in  and my dad and his cunt was there and so was searra.Searra ran up and hugged me as the rest of my"family" was yelling at me to leave.I ended up walking to the school behind my aunts house and shit in between the buildings and cried wondering what I had done to make my father and grandparents hate me.I was only 16 and had the emotional scars of an old man ,I was all alone and to be honest I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die,but I couldnt because even though my mother and i were fighting her and my sisters were depending on me if not my mom nonie and rachel were,and I did my best to never let them down.Anyways so I never saw her again but now that she is old enough she is telling what really happened and even though it does not change all that i went through it still shows anyone who ever doubted me that they were wrong and they can suck my dick

poetry for thought

                         a man and a woman both of them strong 

        a man and woman who had both been hurting way to long                

               you can call it destiny you can call it fate

                    but their is no way that this can be wrong

   she makes me smile when she tries to pretend that she's still mad

    and my heart skipped a beat when Jeremiah called me dad

                    sometimes we argue sometimes we fight

       but most of the time i just say okay baby i know your right

        their is no describing how i feel when i hold her in my arms

            or how wonderful it is to wake up to her sweet face

and I'll never let her go because there is no way she could be replaced

getting somewhere

well even though i have only managed to get two pages done on my book i still feel like i am getting some where i have been saying for a real long time i was going to write this book and i don't know how long it will take and i really don't care but now at least i am getting somewhere. i work so much that i really dont have much time to work on it just an hour every morning.so it is also getting closer to time for amanda's vacation i can't wait for her to meet my family well it is almost time for work

trust issues

so my past relationships and experiences are causing some serious problems in the relationship i am in now.Last night I got into a big fight with my girl who is quite possibly the greatest woman i have ever known.I felt as though she was flirting with this guy on her pot space thing and my ex was an unfaithful whore and i promised myself when we split up that i would never allow myself to be done like that again.my girl says she would never cheat on me but so did michelle.i know that they are two totally different people and it is not fair for Amanda to have to pay for what someone else had done.i also have a bad habit of getting mad and saying things that i do not mean just to be hurtful i know that it is wrong afterwards but i have been hurt my whole life and i have always dealt with it by hurting back.I have only given my heart to two women other than Amanda and neither one of them ever came close to deserving my love.so now i can not help but to be careful with my heart and my love.I want nothing more in life than to be a good husband and father.I have never needed fame or fortune just a good wife a couple of bad kids and a little piece of land way back in the woods.i know that if we can make it we can accomplish great things together and have everything that we both want and deserve out of life

what do i do

so amanda and i have had 2 pretty bad fights this week last night and saturday.i dont know what to do i love this woman to death but i hate arguing and fighting