a popem a wrote but just found

hide the fact that i failed again

no one knows

but i just cant pretend

up and down all these different roads

for what reason only God knows

try as i may, i just cant figure it out

what is this life really supposed to be about

try to obey and just do right

and still addiction is a daily fight

not a loser known by my wins

but addiction kicks my ass

time and time again

not a quitter

yet i always seem to fail

most of the time i create my own

personal hell

spring break is over

so now spring break is over and i have to start two new classes so now it's back to assholes and elbows nothing but work and school for 8 weeks. and i want to still try and keep everything else at a 4.0 G.P.A but if i dont make it at least i know that i gave it my best and that is all that really matters

damn i feel like death after death suffered and died

so dana, ethan, and i went to incredible pizza last night, i had a really good time

then afterwards i was supposed to go to this party but on my way there i decided to stop at the red dog saloon for a beer and some naked ladies

this waitress had some xanex's and i took three, i still feel fucked up i'll write more tomorrow when i can actually think

a little nervous

so i kinda have a date tomorrow

she is kinda seeing someone her sister hooked us up cause she's my lil sisters friend but i have enjoyed her conversation and texts over the last couple of days

we were supposed to go to this lil sports bar in yukon but her ex husband is sick and may not be able to watch their son so i told her that it would be fine if she would rather i take her and ethan to dinner

i am just going to enjoy the chance to get out for a while thank God it's spring break i aced my sociology class and i got a B i think in English i wont know my final grade until next week on english but whatever it is thats what it will be i gave it my best

my mom really hurt my feelings

so we were talking to rachel the other night and i was telling her about how bad my life has been trying to help her make the right decisions and my mom started in about how my life hasnt been that bad and how i caused most of it, now granted i have made a whole lot of bad choices, but at 15 i didnt choose to get locked up on bogus rape charges, i damn sure didnt choose to get beaten and gang raped by a bunch of niggers, i didnt choose to be scared and isolated and alone at 15 years old no i didnt and yeah i got out and used every drug i could to stop the pain and murderous thoughts in my head

have you ever laid in bed and plotted out the murder of your father and his wife and kids, fought the urge to go end the source of all of the pain inside you

seriously i'm tired of being referred to as the bad one, cause i was my parents first and maybe had their parenting skills been a little better things would have been different

i know i'm to blame for a lot of my problems, but i'll be damned to have some one tell me my life hasn't been that bad i mean i love my mom but seriously what traumatic event has she been through, she has no idea what i've been through what it's like to be beaten and raped and then just thrown in a cell, to live or die, but no one cares. to hear people call you a child molester and tell you how their gonna rape you again how it feels to stab a person in the neck at 15 and just lay in your cell and pray that they die but they dont

so for anyone who may have something to say about how i dealt with it and continue to deal with it daily all i have to say is how the fuck do you think you would have dealt with it? no bullshit honestly, can you put yourself in my shoes? would you have made it this far? I think most people honestly wouldnt have? why? I hear people crying daily about this and that or what if and i think if that had been all i had to deal with or go through

and furthermore piss off who it may, I DO NOT REGRET ONE FUCKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE  every step i have taken and every word i have spoken my LORD has accounted for and I will be accountable for. and every choice i have made has led me to be the man i am today

SO AMANDA AND I ARE STILL SPEAKING

so I have spoken with amanda on and off today and i have to admit, it has done my heart good. i will admit that i made my mistakes i just wish she would admit that she has made hers. i do know that when i was in california with her i was probably the happiest i have ever been in my entire life. but now i have so much going on in oklahoma that i couldnt just pack up and move again, i've got a land payment, truck payment, and college. i'm a fool to think that she would ever come here but hey you know me and i still believe in fairy tales

I SPOKE WITH AMANDA AND THE BOYS LAST NIGHT

so i called amanda last night and spoke with her and the boys, i can not understand why it is so hard for her to admit that she still loves me and misses me. I have been sick almost all week and im just now getting over it, i have two test to study for and a 7 page research paper to write and honestly i feel like shIt plus i am quitting smoking so my nerves are on edge, but i will make it on some soldier status.

ALMOST DONE

So my first round of classes are almost over; my teacher told me tonight in sociology that "I still have a perfect score." I asked about the grade on my last assignment. She said that "She had not graded them yet, but I had nothing to worry about she had already read mine and I will recieve full credit."

I sure wish I could transfer some of those extra  credit points to my English class(lol)

No really though i truly intended on carrying a 4.0 GPA and it looks as though i'm not going to acheive that.

but all I know is that im doing my best and hey a perfect score in one class i'm even impressed with myself and we will just see how this english thing plays out.

my momma's party

so we all celebrated my moms birthday at steak and ale plus plus my aunt made sure that quite a few of my moms highschool running buddies were there

everything was going good until i got thrown out of the bar but what made it so bad was that i really didnt do anything wrong honestly i was respetful and passive and still got thrown out