this girl

so this girl in my class asked me last night if we could study together i told her sure, now im wondering if its studying she really wants or does she have ulterior motives and if she does have ulterior motives, is she wanting a man or just someone to boink her. i guess ill find out tonight, it would be nice to find a significant other i am tired of being lonely

does it ever get better

as if being sick were not enough, and not being able to afford my fines, or being able to get a tag now my radiator is leaking. i cant afford a new radiator hell i cant afford a used radiator. plus i am moving in 6 weeks. i am really stressed out, did i mention my love life sucks ass. can i not meet a good girl i met this girl i have been talking to at the park and she doesn't like kids, how can u not like kids seriously i even like bad kids, how can a person look at a child and feel hate or dislike, i cant even be friends with a person like that really. any ways wah wah wah i sound like a cry baby huh

on a very positive note i am supposed to have like 10 kids going to church w/ me tomorrow, and even if i have to fill my radiator up with water at every block ill get them there, there are still just several things i need to get right in my life, my temper and unbridled tongue to start with, i need to quit smoking, shit i went from cigs to cigars and honestly i cough worse now

i do feel a little better since i have been hitting the weights again but i haven't really been consistent with it, u know life happens

well i said i was gonna blog some of my loder entries that i wrote down but maybe not im not so sure im comfortable with that

old entries

so homework is going slow but i found an entry from dec 22 2003 right before i went to prison

sometimes when i wake up i feel destined to do great things and sometimes when i wake up just being alive fills me with hate, i think that my calling is to help teenage kids to make better choices in their life my only problem is that im always broke and how can i run a center when im always high on crank and coke. if i could just get this needle out of my arm i could teach others to do the same living life with a needle in your arm steals all of your ambitions and dreams, and in life there are so much more important things

still feel like hell

i have been sick since last week and i still feel like hell. My boss had to take his wife to the hospital so we are taking the day off and i didnt complain even though i couldnt afford to miss any work. i have some study notes to do before class on thursday and 2 chapters to read so im gonna get that done then go through some of my old journals and find some entries to post a reminder of why i struggle so hard now to change and better my life

uhhhh

man i feel like shit this head cold has really kicked my ass, and on top of that now today my stomach is all upset. I feel like im gonna hurl everywhere and i have to leave for work in like 20 minutes, so i should prolly be getting my shoes on. i missed work Wednesday cause it was raining and i didnt wanna work in the rain with this bad ass cold, so i definitely cannot miss today, i still havent published any of my entries that are wrote down inmy spirals but i will get around to it

wow i wrote a lot

so i pulled out all of my old journals (the ones in spiral notebooks) to show my lil sister damn i forgot how many i had ive got like 3 bags and 9 or ten journals per bag, I am going to read through them and post some old entries, but there sure is some crazy shit in those old journals

what we had, what we lost

sexy eyes

those lips

first time at the park with miah

me and chris when he came to visit

the boys at the tomb of Christ, Christ park yucca valley

my lil country boy





thats what it was about

first day in yucca







my favorite pic

sexy evil eyes

those lips again

how long it has been

my lil man










she looks good in my shirt

before we ever met





so i have been doing a lot of thinking and i am deleting amanda's number out of my phone, she has my number if she wants to talk she will call, i had to do this once before cause its just to much for me to take, to much rejection from the one who owns my heart for what cause i cant help but to call, hoping she is in a good mood and for a moment we connect again, but more often than not i get blowed off and listen to her talk shit, as much as i love her i dont need nor deserve that, so as i sip on this bottle of whiskey, this toast is to u amanda to what we had and what we lost, i pray the very best for u

lifting weights and having a good time

so we had a good time last night ate some good food hit some good weight and got DRUNK. anyways heres some pics

i feel pretty good today

so last night i went to roberts and lifted weights for an hour or so i feel good today, we did chests last night and tonight after class we are gonna do arms. i really miss working out

amanda hasnt answered the phone to me since yesterday morning, really it is frustrating to me but its like a lady told me at church last night when i was talking about her, she said you know joe its her loss well i gotta go to work peace

what would Jesus do?

Is more than just a catchy phrase that sold a lot of bracelets, it is a philsphy for how we should all base our desicions on. I am sad to say that my life more often than not resembles that of what would satan do. Not really but yeah, i lose my temper, i am prone to be in fights although I am learning to back down that whole turn the other cheek is a little to much for me. tonights message really hit home for me, it was on talking the talk and not walking the walk, i witness to a lot of un believers, and i can tell them ther history of the church and even about other religions and tell them stories in the bible but where at a party where i am drinking and possibly before the night is over fighting.

I know im never gonna be perfect but i know im also not holding up my end of the deal, however i dont think it is all truly a lack of effort cause God and everyone else should be able to see the changes i have made and the obstacles of those changes. see for me and maybe all people, it is not just the struggle of the addiction it is a self identification struggle("inside joke" its from being joe mother fucking powers to just being Joe)

and a person may ask whats wrong with that and the truth is nothing is wrong with that, but how does just Joe act especially in the presence of someone expecting joe motherfucking powers
or in some situations u only know how to act one way kinda causes an idendity crisis in a person okay maybe not in any person but in me it sure the hell has

i know what i want and i know what God wants out of me or at least i think i do and all though i am working torwards that i still have a hard time seeing myself acheive it i mean theres gotta be a reason people that know me or used to know me laugh when i tell them im gonna be a drug counselor, right and hell when i have relapsed i laugh to but its not a funny ha ha laugh its a see they must be rightbut i dust myself off and keep going but then that lil voice says why what for, for this, this is what your working so hard for
anyways blah blah blah wah wah wah im going to bed if anyone does read this a prayer or 2 wouldnt hurt, in fact i believe in the power of prayer and faith and i have plenty of faith in God but not so much in myself anyhow goodnight

are all women really that stupid

so i went to church this morning and tiffany was there (the ex that asked me if i thought she was my bitch while i was fighting this cage fighter and asked her to gather up my things) she needed a ride to wal-mart and asked if i would take her i did but she acted like she thought we might hook up again (seriously are people that stupid)

then i think about my relationship with amanda and i know that yes we are that stupid or at least i am

before i went to cali she was always avalible to me via phone now its like lot of times she blows me off and knowing her she is either doing it on purpose or she has a light weight boyfriend. either way i guess it really doesnt matter cause im the one that still calls her. imagine that an honor student at school but sometimes im dumb as a box of rocks

on a positive note i just finished my homework and even had time to work on my r.v. it is amazing how i make being an honor student look easy but in reality it is hard as hell and keeps me worn pretty thin. the accomplishment itself doesnt wear me thin it is the acting as if its easy. but i really dont know how to express difficulty or hardship i have always been looked upon for strength by those close to me so if i show im struggling then i show weakness and i cant do that. its just not me

a friend of mine heard about some of the difficulties that i have been going through and sent me a text saying she was worried about me i told her i was alright and she reminded me that i say that even when im not alright but that it is my way of making it through im just alright. ill make it i always have i always will no matter what comes along ill make it one foot in front of the other soldier stepping. at the time she asked no i was not all right but i am now and i knew i would be so my answer was im alright and if ever im not all right then i call nonie or dustin and somehow it is all all right

getting ready to go to church

well im up for church, i guess candy got really drunk last night cause i had all kinds of texts when i woke up, poor girl i dont know why she fell in love with me like that i told her i wasnt feeling it and it broke her heart, but everytime she gets drunk she sends me all kinds of texts.
i must have gotten pretty buzzed up cause i guess i gave my number to some girl at burger king cause she called and woke me up at like midnight i prolly shouldnt even go out in public when i have been drinking, cause i always wind up with strange girls calling or i get into a fight. oh well at least i didnt get into any fights, but i dont really like my sleep being disturbed by some chick i dont even remember lol but i guess thats my own fault

mixed signals

its like sometimes she wants to talk to me and other times she forwards my phone calls to voice mail sometimes she says she loves me and sounds so sincere and other times its just like bye i dont know what to do and i didnt read any of my homework reading assignment that ill have a quiz over monday but ill get it done tomorrow

im tired i spent the day crawling around an attic rewiring this old house that we should have torn down. but i did have a pretty good day i spoke with Amanda the whole way to work, it was just nice it was alot closer to what it used to be than what it has been in a while

when she says she loves me

it reminds me of the happiness we once shared. it makes my heart beat the beat of happiness and joy, it is like nothing else even matters

man im tired, i just got off of work and i have two chapters to read but i just found out that i dont have to move until i finish the semester which helps i was not looking forward to crashing at dope houses and trying to do college and work. There was a time when dope houses was the only place i was comfortable but several months ago i picked my home girl up at her uncles house( a dope house) and was like u need to come on. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i was just uncomfortable. she told me the Joe she remembered would walk into any dope house anywhere and feel right at home start calling shots and telling people to move around. That joe doesnt exist anymore. when i got jumped the other night i got back to roberts and dustin was like come on joe lets go get em. Once upon a time I wouldnt have stopped until they were all dead. but i look back now on the man i had always been, and i see a lot of things i didnt like. at the same time it is really hard trying to be this me, because im not used to backing down, in fact i have none of that in me. whats worse than that is not only am i fighting with myself on the issue but people that used to know me are asking whats up why haven't you handled that. and all i can think about is a woman who does not love me, before i went to yucca valley valley if someone had jumped me it would have been over with for them if i couldnt find them one on one i would have gotten a hold of jay and the two of us could handle 4 anybodies it didnt make a fuck. but i have strived so hard to make so many changes like when frankie jumped on me and i had that full beat but i was like dog im not doing this i let him up and he split my eye. i just want something different out of life and i have been working very hard to acheive what i want but most of the time it doesnt seem worth it

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE

Have you ever loved someone before you ever met? Has someone taken so much of your heart, and you wish they would love it or just let you have it back? I cannot get past(over) whate ever you may call it I cant stop missing Amanda. I have missed her everyday for almost two years now. We talk from time to time, mostly she is mean to me but then sometimes, I can feel her again, so strong so I hold on a little longer. I love her so much and I dont think that she will ever know how much i truly do care

good news that i need

after work today i got a letter from school, it was an invite to an honors fraternity because of my G.P.A these people will help with scholarships and everything

here we go again

so i got jumped the other night by 4 guys, and i guess u could say i had it coming maybe. this guy called me a pussy a couple of weeks ago, but i had my 6 year old nephew with me so i didnt stop but it really pissed me off so the next time i saw him i called him out but he wouldnt fight, any ways thursday night after class i went to this party at my sisters house and dude was there. some shit happened he called some people that came and didnt do shit, anyways friday i went to this dudes house, and i guess he is one of their cousins ive known him for years but didnt know that anyways i went into his bodyshop and shut the door down when i did my "buddy" locked the shop which was not entirely un common in the evening time but about that time the two guys that i had clled out and didnt wanna fight came out and another dude stepped up and they all swang out towards the end of the fight i thought i was gonna lose my legs but the owner of the shop and oldest of all of us stepped out and i was just fighting the two, which was okay i had that but out of no where the fourth guy smashed a motorecycle helmet over my head about the time i was going black i took one in the nose that woke me up and soaked me with blood any ways as im getting a hold of dude that smashed my nose the owner of the shop yelled its done, man im mad but i was glad it was done, for the moment he asked me if it was squashed, i told him it was, but hell no this shit aint squashed, plus it cost me my place to live so i have to move my Rv in 30 days which is fine i have land but i have school here for 8 weeks so for a month im gonna have to figure something out in el ghetto and for those of u who know me thats not good all the change in my life but i will always be me whatever that means i only grow and learn and mature, but realize i will always be striving towards what God wants me to be he knows my steps before i take them, so my mistakes are all accounted for in his book they are there before i make them and each one is like the potter with his clay, and every time it falls down he the potter re shapes the vessel anyways im rambling i need some sleep, but more than sleep i need some rest