if they only knew

if they only knew the demons i fight,or how heavy your head can get when no matter what you keep it held high trying to laugh and smile and have a happy life with all of this pain i hold deep inside if they only knew why it is so hard to sleep all the memories that i wish i didnt have to keep a man can escape from the cops but there is no escape from your own thoughts

MY WORLD

GROWING UP MY BEST FRIEND WAS ALWAYS MY LITTLE SISTER SHE GOT ME INTO A LOT OF FIGHTS AND EVEN GOT MY ASS KICKED SEVERAL TIMES.WE GREW UP IN A GOOD HOME EVEN THO MY MOM IS KINDA A HIPPIE AND MY DAD IS THE BIKER TYPE WE WERE STILL TAUGHT MORALS AND VALUES.BUT WHEN MY MOM AND DAD GOT DIVORCED MY MOM GOT WITH AN ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC AND MY DAD GOT WITH A CONTROLLING BITCH .MY DAD ABANDONED ME WHEN I WAS 15 AND MY LIFE HAS BEEN A CONSTANT BATTLE OF ADDICTION AND SURVIVING ON MY OWN.BUT NO MATTER HOW BAD I FUCKED UP OR HOW CRAZY AND VIOLENT I GOT OR HOW STRUNG OUT I GOT THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE PERSON THAT NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING IN ME. THAT PERSON IS MY LITTLE SISTER ANONA, OR AS I CALL HER MY NONIE PONY.SHE LOVES ME MORE RESPECTS ME MORE AND BELIEVES IN ME MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS OR EVER WILL.SHE HAS MORE FAITH IN ME THAN EVEN I DO AND WHEN I THINK I CANT DO SOMETHING I REMEMBER THAT MY LITTLE SISTER Doesn't BELIEVE THERE IS ANYTHING THAT I CAN NOT DO AND THEN I JUST DO IT, I HAVE BEEN SHOT IN FRONT OF HER WHILE I WAS IN A KNIFE FIGHT SHE HAS SEEN ME FIGHT GROUPS OF GUYS SHE SAW ME CALL OUT EVERY NIGGER AND GANG BANGER ON NW 10ST OKC.SHE KNOWS THE HEART OF THE MAN I AM AND IF IT WAS NOT FOR HER AND MY MOM I WOULD NOT BE HALF THE MAN THAT I AM. THANK YOU PONY FOR ALWAYS BELIEVING IN ME AND I HAVE PULLED OFF SOME CRAZY SHIT AND I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE CRIED A LOT OF TEARS AND HAD A LOT OF NIGHTMARES BECAUSE OF MY LIFE CHOICES AND STANDING UP FOR MY Beliefs BUT THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM AND THE MIGHTY GOD THAT I SERVE HAS ALWAYS KEPT ME SAFE AND IF HE CHOOSES THAT MY TIME COMES FIGHTING MY Beliefs THAN MY DEATH IS STILL AN HONOR BUT IN SHORT THANK YOU NONIE FOR ALWAYS BELIEVING IN ME

what makes you who you are

what is it that makes you who you are is it your friends your parents your girlfriend your kids or your past.or is it your beliefs

actually it is all of those things my lil sister is having some issues aout how she got where she is today

all i can say is  i dont think there is one person alive that at some time in there life has thought "man i should be so much farther in life by now"

and at the same time everyone has things they have done that they wish they hadn't have done

hearts they should not have broken and bridges they should not have burned

all i know is i've made plenty of mistakes and everyone of those mistakes formed me into the man i am today

and i can say  honestly i am proud of who i am and what i stand for

mistakes,flaws and everything else that makes me me so hold your head high and be proud of you

now i'm really lost

well now i'm completly fucking lost when i first got here i had no problems pleasing my girl in bed and now i guess i can't

for that matter it seems like most of the time i can't please her even though i do everything that i can to try and make her happy it seems as though every attempt i make is just another failure

i am really at a loss as to what to do, i want with all of my heart for this to work.

damn i'm exhausted

man i must be getting fucking old,i can remember a time when i could work 10 to 12 hours a day 7 days a week until it rained and i couldn't work, with no problems i wasn't tired or drained and i have been only working like half as hard as i used to for only like 8 1/2 to 9 hours a day for only 7 days and i'm exhausted and still have 7 more days before i can take a day off.but i have already comitted myself so i'm just gonna have to cowboy up and get through it

working on 4:20

well it looks like i'm gonna be working on 4:20 which kind of sucks because this particular holiday means quite a bit to me.

and not because it's a day dedicated to getting high but because it is the anniversary of the murder of my dear friend HERCULES

my dog that the city of el reno found to be vicious and uncontrollable and ordered to be destroyed on this day several years ago i however thought that i could save my dog and went to the animal control office beat up a dog catcher and took my dog it caused me to go through a high speed chase and yes i got caught and went to jail but anyways Friday i blaze for the dog

well today is my second day ar barr lumber it really is a cake job

and my boss likes me so i'm gonna be able to get like 10 hours of overtime every pay check that will definatly help

plus my scheduled days off our different from amanda's which in a way sucks cause we won't have as much time together but when he's got work i can work with dave on my days off.and then once a month or so i can trade days with someone so that amnada and i and the boys can go do something