almost there

well i'm fucking beat my shoulder has been hurting for two days now,but i am almost there.One week from today I am taking two days off ad i'm not gonna do anything on those two days except smoke a lot of pot and write.Then i'll be back on a month run of work,but at least those two days should catch me up on rest and relaxation.I am so proud of jonathan he has been having  a problem at school with getting tickets and he has not gotten any in the last two days..I know that being good at school is hard and so is being a kid but he is trying so damn hard and I just wanted to say I am really proud of him and his effort

my little guy is three

jeremiah had his birthday party yesterday he was so happy.No matter what is going on when jonathan or jeremiah smiles it cuts right to my heart.I only wish that I could make Amanda smile more.Sometimes I feel like she is never satisfied or happy,and I am doing all that i can.I worked like 80 hours this last week I am beat and I still have 10 days to go before I am taking a day off.I dont know maybe I am just tired and bitchy or whiny but I doubt it

pain from the past

   wow memories and life can sure be painful at times i just got a message from my little sister on my my space,but I am not talking about from rachel or nonie.This message was from my little sister Searra, the one I was accused of molesting,she hates her mother as well.She told me that she thought that i was mad at her because not only did her mom file bogus rape charges on me but she filed a restraing order on me for everyone in her household.The next time that i saw searra my mother and i had been fighting and i was kinda on the streets.I needed to take a shit so i went to my grandparents house.we have never knocked at our families house so i walked right in  and my dad and his cunt was there and so was searra.Searra ran up and hugged me as the rest of my"family" was yelling at me to leave.I ended up walking to the school behind my aunts house and shit in between the buildings and cried wondering what I had done to make my father and grandparents hate me.I was only 16 and had the emotional scars of an old man ,I was all alone and to be honest I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die,but I couldnt because even though my mother and i were fighting her and my sisters were depending on me if not my mom nonie and rachel were,and I did my best to never let them down.Anyways so I never saw her again but now that she is old enough she is telling what really happened and even though it does not change all that i went through it still shows anyone who ever doubted me that they were wrong and they can suck my dick

poetry for thought

                         a man and a woman both of them strong 

        a man and woman who had both been hurting way to long                

               you can call it destiny you can call it fate

                    but their is no way that this can be wrong

   she makes me smile when she tries to pretend that she's still mad

    and my heart skipped a beat when Jeremiah called me dad

                    sometimes we argue sometimes we fight

       but most of the time i just say okay baby i know your right

        their is no describing how i feel when i hold her in my arms

            or how wonderful it is to wake up to her sweet face

and I'll never let her go because there is no way she could be replaced

getting somewhere

well even though i have only managed to get two pages done on my book i still feel like i am getting some where i have been saying for a real long time i was going to write this book and i don't know how long it will take and i really don't care but now at least i am getting somewhere. i work so much that i really dont have much time to work on it just an hour every morning.so it is also getting closer to time for amanda's vacation i can't wait for her to meet my family well it is almost time for work

trust issues

so my past relationships and experiences are causing some serious problems in the relationship i am in now.Last night I got into a big fight with my girl who is quite possibly the greatest woman i have ever known.I felt as though she was flirting with this guy on her pot space thing and my ex was an unfaithful whore and i promised myself when we split up that i would never allow myself to be done like that again.my girl says she would never cheat on me but so did michelle.i know that they are two totally different people and it is not fair for Amanda to have to pay for what someone else had done.i also have a bad habit of getting mad and saying things that i do not mean just to be hurtful i know that it is wrong afterwards but i have been hurt my whole life and i have always dealt with it by hurting back.I have only given my heart to two women other than Amanda and neither one of them ever came close to deserving my love.so now i can not help but to be careful with my heart and my love.I want nothing more in life than to be a good husband and father.I have never needed fame or fortune just a good wife a couple of bad kids and a little piece of land way back in the woods.i know that if we can make it we can accomplish great things together and have everything that we both want and deserve out of life

what do i do

so amanda and i have had 2 pretty bad fights this week last night and saturday.i dont know what to do i love this woman to death but i hate arguing and fighting