were gonna make it cause i need her

so the night before last Amanda and I got into a pretty big fight over some pretty petty shit that could have been avoided with a little bit of communication.I am a pretty laid back mellow guy and I do my best not to get angry or lose my temper.I love Amanda and the boys and the life that we are trying to build together.It is just that I am a very deep emotional person that has been hurt and crushed so many times.At times I just have to take a little time for me or I become like a fucking time bomb.If I don't  all of my feelings and thoughts come out in the form of anger and depression.Over the years I have learned how to tell when I am getting close or how not to explode or implode.I just hope that Amanda can understand how much I love her and the boys and that we can learn to communicate a little bit better.I also hope that I can get past my trust issues and insecurites.I want to be able to trust Amanda ,I know that not every woman is the same and she shouldn't have to prove anything because of what someone else did but it is like the other night when she said something about going to the bar while I watched the king of the cage fight on pay per view.My heart dropped in to my stomach and then I remembered all of the hurt that I felt when I found out the Michelle had fucked a cab driver on the way home from the bar.Then to make it worse she had an affair with another guy she met at another bar.Who I might add was a bitch ass punk that got his ass smashed out on his own door step  while his neigbors watched,punk.  any ways I don't even know if I could handle her going to the bar but I should be able to

so last night was damn near perfect

last night was so wonderful , we didn't do anything but eat frozen pizza cause we forgot to pull anything out for dinner.Then Jonothan and I did our bible study after Amanda and i snuggled, it was just a quiet night with the ones I love.The only way it could have been better is we were in Oklahoma or if my sister was here.Then I wake up this morning and I have an e mail from the whore that did everything she could do to destroy me.I sent her a response telling her to leave my family and I alone any ways peace 

happy mothers day

well yesterday was mothers day and i think everything went really well it wasn't as nice or as romantic as i had hoped for but i definitely think that Amanda enjoyed it.I did find her the perfect gift and something for my mom and sister nonie so score for mothers day

last night was great

last night was pretty great we didn't do anything special, just hung out around the house but to me that is special.I work so much that the time i get to spend with Amanda and the boys means the world to me.The quite little moment when miah lays his head on my shoulder or when i'm snuggling with Amanda on the couch.Even just going to get the laundry with Jonathan.I can't wait to go back to being an electrician.Even though I made the same amount of money as a maintenance man at the flying j truck stop as i did as an apprentice i always felt better when i could say i'm an apprentice rather than i work at a truck stop.And as an apprentice you are moving towards something.Not just making ends meat.I just want to be able to give amanda and the boys the world.

nightmares

so i was woke up last night or this morning rather by my own nightmares.which is quite wierd cause i haven't had nightmares in years.but it was  not like your normal nightmare with monsters or death or shit like that.In my nightmare I had pissed amanda off and she had left me anyways i  kept trying to call her but i could not get any phone to work the numbers on some of the phones were mixed up and not in the right order and then other phones would go dead just as soon as I got through.I know for some of you reading this your saying thats not a nightmare thats just some stupid silly dream.to that I say fuck off cause it felt like a fucking nightmare to me.I woke up devastated and crushed , kind of silly hunh.

dwelling in the past

i've been told that i dwell in the past and i have been doing an awful lot of thinking on the matter and i dont think that it is so much that i dwell on the past as the past dwells in me.i focus on my future and i work hard to accomplish what i want out of life.but my memories, issues and pain do always seem to kick my ass and everytime things fall into place i somehow seem to mess it all up.i've been succesful so many times and fucked it off time and time again. anyways blah blah blah

isolation

                   isolation isolation murder makes you cold

               isolation isolation now the truth is being told

                the truth now can never make up for my past

                        i buried this shit along time ago

                  i guess i should have left that coffin closed

                cause now my memories have me in a choke hold

                i don't want your pity or expect you to understand

                   i lived a big part of my life a broken man

               but broken as i was i always held my head high

                 never afraid to fight for what i thought was right

                                            but mistakes and all

                              always a soldier in MY LORDS eyes