nothing to say

so i guess that my dad read my journal and he had nothing to say nor did he send me an e mail or call me or anything. tonight i had Amanda send him the first 8 pages of my book describing my abuse in detention center and my constant war on the pain that his and his wife's actions have caused me.

im not bitter or angry i have lived the life that God needed me to live to learn what i have learned and experienced the things i have experienced so that i would be the person he has called me to be

I hope the two of you make it

so on the way home from work Dave Amanda's step dad told me that he really hoped that Amanda and I make it.That meant a great deal to me not just because he has taken on the role of her father but because i really respect him as a man and a person.

I told him that I really hoped that we could make it as well, but that I have kind of felt like I was walking on egg shells since she came and got me from the bus station, don't get me wrong things have been great since then and I honestly think that even if she won't admit it Amanda also realized had much she had to lose.She is to strong and in dependant to ever admit that but I honestly do think that she felt it.

On another note all together I have decided to send my father a link to my journal. I am a little anxious and worried, because no matter what I have been through the last thing that I want to do is hurt my dad he has been depressed for years and I think that he gave up a long time ago, and I don't want to be that one thing that is to much for him to take or bear I want him to know that even after all I have been through I still love him and I forgave him a long long time ago.

I just know that it will take a real heavy load off of my shoulder and mind and maybe it will even allow him to forgive himself

i'm sorry daddy but i'm cleaning out my closet

so I don't want to hurt my dad I have no choice anytime i start to think about father hood or i talk about my dad or someone asks where my family is blah blah blah i start to think about how much he has hurt me .nothing can be said or done to change what has already happened.all i want is for him to admit that he was wrong and truly apologize from the very bottom of his heart and mean it. I need to hear him say he is sorry for what he has put me through and for not helping me when he could, and it would be nice if he could tell me that he is proud of the way i turned out after all I've been through tell me that it makes him proud to know that through it all i managed to somehow hold my head up high and never give up. he could tell me that he is proud of how i raised three kids that were almost my own age and even though i made plenty of mistakes i managed to teach them trust and respect and honesty.i don't really know exactly what i need all i know is that i need something

so we went to white water

so we went to eat Chinese and then went to white water we really had a great time Amanda and I caught tadpoles while the boys played in the mini white water rapids.

seeing the boys smile so big is the greatest feeling in the world and Amanda as well

I came here to make her a country boys wife and there is no doubt in my mind that I will do just that

i cant pay for his decisions anymore

so for almost half of my life i have had to pay for not only my wrong decisions but those of my father.In fact most of my bad decisions can be directly related to my father and his decision to choose a woman and a motorcycle over me. Now my sister and my mom think that i should not tell him how i feel or that he has to make the right decision for once and admit his wrongs or not be a part of my life

I have made a lot of bad decisions that have hurt quite a few people but everyone of those people close to me have at least gotten the closure and respect they have deserved by hearing me acknowledging my wrongs and sincerely apologizing for them and i to deserve at least that.

now don't get me wrong, I love my dad and have come to accept the fact that he is a coward and has given up. I just can't keep living like this and carrying around this guiltless shame.It is not the fact that he abandoned me when i was young and scared and needed him most, or the fact that i don't get birthday or Christmas presents or even the fact that i cant call his home phone or go to his house he has never even apologized to me or stood up to his wife for me except once and that one time was at my grandmothers funeral

all i want is for him to act like a father

i love waking up with them

I love waking up on my days off and getting my quiet time and letting my baby get some extra sleep.just hanging out with our boys, today we are going to white water and then the movies and lunch at the panda express.

I am a real addictive person and i had almost gotten so addicted to work and making money that i was getting nerve and tense. I did not realize how much we all needed these days off to spend together just enjoying life and being a family

issues

so i am not quite sure what to do about my father. i do love him but i can no longer be his scape goat or second to a ruthless cold bitch that destroyed my life and his for that matter he is so unhappy and i know the things that i have to say to him are going to hurt him but that is not my fault and i promise there is nothing that i could ever say to him or do to him that could ever come close to the pain that him and his wife has caused me.i was not a bad child i did not do well in school but i did my chores and babysat the kids polished his Harley helped him change brakes.and even though i was constantly kicked out of school i was at church every Sunday and Wednesday and volunteered remodeling old night clubs into Christian youth clubs.

okay new subject my insecurities and doubts are eating me alive, maybe it is because every time i get shit going for me and buy a home or start buying land something always happens and i lose everything and i have not had very good  experiences in relationships.

i love Amanda and i honestly don't believe that Amanda would cheat on me, but i also did not believe that she could be as cold to me as she was the night she kicked me out or the next morning when i came to wake her up, i had to see her but she had no desire to see me.

blah blah blah enough whining I'm going to bed