worn out

these boys have done nothing but cried and whined all day i am so ready for my sister to get here.

hell i am ready to eat dinner and go to bed

dustin managed to wake me up

so dustin managed to wake me up before he left wich sucks cause i tossed and turned all night wondering how she can already have some dude posted up like i never meant anything at all to her

i guess that would make nonie correct again when she said amanda never cared for me like she put on that she did

what i can't figure is why a woman would be talking about marraige and having kids together one day and then end it all over one little argument

and then to add insult to injury have her newest john answer the phone when i called

all i can say is she had a good man and she threw me away

she will be damn lucky to find another man like me and even if she does she will take him for granted and fuck it up

 

damn she moves fast

so i called amanda today and some guy answered the phone

damn she moves fast already has another man around those precious boys

i hope she knows what she's doing but i'd have never imagined her to be such a whore

just the cowboy in me

so for years i have said i was gonna ride a bull and this year is the year i think it is august that i can do it i'll have to make sure. my cousin chris said if i did it he would i dont know if he knew that i was for real and it doesn't matter if he rides or not i'm going to

i'm hoping that serena is here when i do it cause one thing i have always been able to count on is her faith in me it is not as strong as my sisters hell no ones is, but with both of them there i bet i get my 8 seconds

i might not make it look good like a cowboy but i'm not looking for a career or a medal just a thrill

so this morning amanda is probably waking up with jeff, wonder if he's gonna tell her how beautiful she is, or if he is gonna carry miah to the potty and let him know that it's alright cause he doesn't like waking up. or if he is gonna take interests in johnathons life, his feelings and desires  his goals and fears

some bitch told me yesterday that i live in the past and that i'm waiting for something i want but cant have

i guess that is true

because i still wake up expecting amanda to be beside me and the boys to be just a room away,, watching cartoons if it's a week end or sleeping soundly monday through friday.

but tell me this how do you not think about it if that is what you put all of yourself into plans dreams and goals

sure i've made new plans set new goals, but the fact is they are still in my dreams

guess that's just the cowboy in me

long long road ahead of me now

a fake ass bitch once told me that i wanted the easy life and i thought she was dead wrong, but thinking back she was probably more right than she will ever know cause it was easy with her and the boys.

working 7 days a week, 10 hour days sometimes 12 hour days, it was easy cause i wanted to give them the world,well maybe not the world but everything that i could.that was easy see she was trying to be hurtful when she said it but it was so so true.

i entitled this entry long long road ahead of me now but it probably will not be any longer or harder than the many roads behind me

and heartbreak and love loss aside it's good to be home, it's good to be joe

i've got a lot to do by the first of the year to have a bad ass home ready and the money put back for my trip cause i am gonna take any where from 2 months to one year out of my life and just travel and live for the day and find that spark that used to make me quite unique. that shit eating grin that used to make me quite irresistable

my ex wife told me last night that it was good to see that i had finally realized that i was a great guy deserving of a great woman and that she was sorry that she was not that woman serena is a great friend just not really a great wife but i do miss knowing that there was always some one there for me through thick and thin

it hurts me knowing that she can not get over me and move on my sister said she never will she loves me with all that she is

i just got home

so we lost electric last night for like two hours i didnt know how long it would be down so i called my sister to let her know why i was not on the comp any more or could not answer the phone. anyways they called my little cousin to come get me, he was drunk and partying with this cute big girl. so we went back to her place and there was a couple that lived their as well and they are getting married today but have only known each other a month so i related my last experience w/them since i was so ready to marry this fake ass ho, that really didnt give a damn about joe.

i guess the dude kinda got salty and my cousin was like dont take no offense my cousin just calls it like he sees it he cant be anything but real and most folk cant whoop him.

anyways we got real drunk and i was doing a whole lot of thinking see i am a hero and role model to so many of my younger family members that i did not even realize. when they look at me they see strength my little cousin told this house full of people that he could have never endured all that i've been through that it would have broke him down and killed him along time ago. i told him no you wouldve made it just like i have.

i guess my point is now i need to deserve all of that respect and honor, because it really is an honor to mean so much to so many. the fact that my life struggles, victory's and defeats have had such an impact on my family and they look to me for strength and encouragement

serena called last night she is really worried about me she said joe i know you and that she does second only to my sister i really wish i could love her like i used to but i just can't. i know for a fact that woman will love me with all she has until the day she dies she loved me when i was a junkie, a foofer, a waiter, a dope cook, wife beater, convict, fugitive, killer.her love never waivered and really her faith in me never did either she saw past all of the hurt and pain and anger in my eyes. she saw the love in me that i did not even know i had at that time.and slowly she chipped all of the stone away from my heart and it started to beat and i for the first time felt love.

but i was so young and stupid and i destroyed what we could have had you know in the year and a half we have been apart she has only been on one date not cause she could not get one just cause she knows they are not me that is love

my sister says you only find that kind of love once in a life time but i dont believe that i have just not been ready for it and one day i will be

amanda has a date tonight good for her but that just shows she never cared and never will

just woke up

so i just woke up i slept almost all day just me and dollar she is just like hercules let me tell you so i read amanda's journal how fucking lame so she is taking adam on her vacation and if i'm not mistaken that is the guy she was talking to the first time i was at the bus station so all in all she is a lying whore, big suprise, not really to tell you the truth i expected it, i  kind of knew when she threw me out there was someone else involved, she kept saying she wasn't talking to any other guy's but you know whores are full of lies