independance day

THIS IS SO FUCKING YOU I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MY EYES

so that is a comment my lil sister sent me and she knows you can't break me

and this is who i am to her and my nephews and my lil sister rachel

and that never ceases to amaze me since i have been a junkie,thief,killer been to prison but i have never paraded around like something i'm not always been honest and ready to die for mine something like a soldier

but i've been doing a lot of thinking i have let my family down so many times

and then get my shit together only to fuck everything off again

when i got back from california i had 7 months clean

and was not back a week

before i was getting high and hitting licks

then my partner tried to kill me so i called my sister to let her know what just happened i told her i would call in about an hour but it started raining and i had hell getting where i was going pointe is i did not call and my sister and mom went looking in el reno at houses they should not have had to go

because they know me and some of my friends, it kind of hurt my feelings that my mom and sister thought i was in a gutter dead somewhere

i was raised by them there streets shot,stabbed, run over three times

and this much i know you can't kill me till GOD says so

but i think i have a job building coils for electric poles it's 10 dollars an hour and cake

i can put a trailor on lot one and honestly i think thats what i need to do to stay clean

stay close to my sister

 

 

 

they should almost be home

well chris came and got hunter and nonie and dustin should be here any minute now with a hootie to smoke then it's sweet dreams for me this day has been way to fucking long

worn out

these boys have done nothing but cried and whined all day i am so ready for my sister to get here.

hell i am ready to eat dinner and go to bed

dustin managed to wake me up

so dustin managed to wake me up before he left wich sucks cause i tossed and turned all night wondering how she can already have some dude posted up like i never meant anything at all to her

i guess that would make nonie correct again when she said amanda never cared for me like she put on that she did

what i can't figure is why a woman would be talking about marraige and having kids together one day and then end it all over one little argument

and then to add insult to injury have her newest john answer the phone when i called

all i can say is she had a good man and she threw me away

she will be damn lucky to find another man like me and even if she does she will take him for granted and fuck it up

 

damn she moves fast

so i called amanda today and some guy answered the phone

damn she moves fast already has another man around those precious boys

i hope she knows what she's doing but i'd have never imagined her to be such a whore

just the cowboy in me

so for years i have said i was gonna ride a bull and this year is the year i think it is august that i can do it i'll have to make sure. my cousin chris said if i did it he would i dont know if he knew that i was for real and it doesn't matter if he rides or not i'm going to

i'm hoping that serena is here when i do it cause one thing i have always been able to count on is her faith in me it is not as strong as my sisters hell no ones is, but with both of them there i bet i get my 8 seconds

i might not make it look good like a cowboy but i'm not looking for a career or a medal just a thrill

so this morning amanda is probably waking up with jeff, wonder if he's gonna tell her how beautiful she is, or if he is gonna carry miah to the potty and let him know that it's alright cause he doesn't like waking up. or if he is gonna take interests in johnathons life, his feelings and desires  his goals and fears

some bitch told me yesterday that i live in the past and that i'm waiting for something i want but cant have

i guess that is true

because i still wake up expecting amanda to be beside me and the boys to be just a room away,, watching cartoons if it's a week end or sleeping soundly monday through friday.

but tell me this how do you not think about it if that is what you put all of yourself into plans dreams and goals

sure i've made new plans set new goals, but the fact is they are still in my dreams

guess that's just the cowboy in me

long long road ahead of me now

a fake ass bitch once told me that i wanted the easy life and i thought she was dead wrong, but thinking back she was probably more right than she will ever know cause it was easy with her and the boys.

working 7 days a week, 10 hour days sometimes 12 hour days, it was easy cause i wanted to give them the world,well maybe not the world but everything that i could.that was easy see she was trying to be hurtful when she said it but it was so so true.

i entitled this entry long long road ahead of me now but it probably will not be any longer or harder than the many roads behind me

and heartbreak and love loss aside it's good to be home, it's good to be joe

i've got a lot to do by the first of the year to have a bad ass home ready and the money put back for my trip cause i am gonna take any where from 2 months to one year out of my life and just travel and live for the day and find that spark that used to make me quite unique. that shit eating grin that used to make me quite irresistable

my ex wife told me last night that it was good to see that i had finally realized that i was a great guy deserving of a great woman and that she was sorry that she was not that woman serena is a great friend just not really a great wife but i do miss knowing that there was always some one there for me through thick and thin

it hurts me knowing that she can not get over me and move on my sister said she never will she loves me with all that she is