long long week

thursday i walked like 12 miles job hunting, then i helped a hitch hiker get money off of his benifits card. so he rented a room and took me to the titty bar he left early but i closed er down

on the way back to the room i stopped by chasity's her husband and i used to be friends or so i thought.when i came in she smiled real big you know the ear to ear kind of smile then she said i don't know if you should be here so i asked her if she was asking me to leave she said of course not but my dad wants to kill you and he will be here in a minute i told her that i knew that when i walked up but i still walked up

when her dad got there it got crazy for a minute but she told him this is my house he went outside with his knife so i got mine and started to go out she said no he'll come in in a min just watch him anyways we ended up going to the lake and watching the sun come up before we went to braums for some biscuits and gravy then she took me back to my room so i could sleep

when we woke up shane said he wanted some weed so i called chasity when she got there she asked if i wanted to run some errands with her

on the way back to the room she asked if i minded if we made a pit stop i said no not at all so we went to this little bar on the s.e side of okc, now thats my type of girl she aint no scared lil fake ass ho thats a bad side of okc and a bad ass lil biker pub

several buckets of beer and about four double crown and cokes later it was  time to go things got pretty hot and heavy in the car on the way home while she was driving we couldn't keep our hands off of each other i was pulling her hair and biting her neck when she almost hit a van but that didnt even slow us down

when we got back to the room i wound up beating shane up for disrespecting chas and  i made him leave so we could be alone when i got in bed with her she started kinda flipping out cause she married lenny on valentines day and even though she is fed up and made those vows based on the lies he told her those vows are real to her

the next day i went to roof a house on like 3 hours of sleep and hung over my brother in law and i got into it mainly cause i was hot tired andhungover but i walked off

then when we all got to my moms mike started running his mouth again lol i just realized something he always waits until he is around my mom to do that shit he could've done it on the way home but he always waits until my mom is around

anyways i've let that loud mouth sissy disrespect me for the last time

 

independance day

THIS IS SO FUCKING YOU I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MY EYES

so that is a comment my lil sister sent me and she knows you can't break me

and this is who i am to her and my nephews and my lil sister rachel

and that never ceases to amaze me since i have been a junkie,thief,killer been to prison but i have never paraded around like something i'm not always been honest and ready to die for mine something like a soldier

but i've been doing a lot of thinking i have let my family down so many times

and then get my shit together only to fuck everything off again

when i got back from california i had 7 months clean

and was not back a week

before i was getting high and hitting licks

then my partner tried to kill me so i called my sister to let her know what just happened i told her i would call in about an hour but it started raining and i had hell getting where i was going pointe is i did not call and my sister and mom went looking in el reno at houses they should not have had to go

because they know me and some of my friends, it kind of hurt my feelings that my mom and sister thought i was in a gutter dead somewhere

i was raised by them there streets shot,stabbed, run over three times

and this much i know you can't kill me till GOD says so

but i think i have a job building coils for electric poles it's 10 dollars an hour and cake

i can put a trailor on lot one and honestly i think thats what i need to do to stay clean

stay close to my sister

 

 

 

they should almost be home

well chris came and got hunter and nonie and dustin should be here any minute now with a hootie to smoke then it's sweet dreams for me this day has been way to fucking long

worn out

these boys have done nothing but cried and whined all day i am so ready for my sister to get here.

hell i am ready to eat dinner and go to bed

dustin managed to wake me up

so dustin managed to wake me up before he left wich sucks cause i tossed and turned all night wondering how she can already have some dude posted up like i never meant anything at all to her

i guess that would make nonie correct again when she said amanda never cared for me like she put on that she did

what i can't figure is why a woman would be talking about marraige and having kids together one day and then end it all over one little argument

and then to add insult to injury have her newest john answer the phone when i called

all i can say is she had a good man and she threw me away

she will be damn lucky to find another man like me and even if she does she will take him for granted and fuck it up

 

damn she moves fast

so i called amanda today and some guy answered the phone

damn she moves fast already has another man around those precious boys

i hope she knows what she's doing but i'd have never imagined her to be such a whore

just the cowboy in me

so for years i have said i was gonna ride a bull and this year is the year i think it is august that i can do it i'll have to make sure. my cousin chris said if i did it he would i dont know if he knew that i was for real and it doesn't matter if he rides or not i'm going to

i'm hoping that serena is here when i do it cause one thing i have always been able to count on is her faith in me it is not as strong as my sisters hell no ones is, but with both of them there i bet i get my 8 seconds

i might not make it look good like a cowboy but i'm not looking for a career or a medal just a thrill

so this morning amanda is probably waking up with jeff, wonder if he's gonna tell her how beautiful she is, or if he is gonna carry miah to the potty and let him know that it's alright cause he doesn't like waking up. or if he is gonna take interests in johnathons life, his feelings and desires  his goals and fears

some bitch told me yesterday that i live in the past and that i'm waiting for something i want but cant have

i guess that is true

because i still wake up expecting amanda to be beside me and the boys to be just a room away,, watching cartoons if it's a week end or sleeping soundly monday through friday.

but tell me this how do you not think about it if that is what you put all of yourself into plans dreams and goals

sure i've made new plans set new goals, but the fact is they are still in my dreams

guess that's just the cowboy in me