well i've helped michelle leave ricky for the last time, and i wont ask my family to put them self out again so they can help her play her little games
if she really needs something and has no one else to call i'm sure i wont turn my back. i'm not nearly as cold hearted as several women i know i guess that is why it is so hard for me to comprehend how easy they make being heartless look
okay so now i'm a little nervous
the last time i saw michelle i was still completly stuck on amanda BUT NOW AMANDA IS BARELY EVEN A MEMORY
and i remember how deeply i loved michelle how i would have done anything for her
i remember stopping by papa's for money and there being a number
it was chanda michelle was trying to get a hold of me, after court i waited for a day and a half until she finally called
she wanted me back but not the me i had become she would have went crazy hell i almost have went crazy
so she went back to ricky and i honestly never blamed her for that how could i blame her when i would have done the same thing if i was woman with kids
but whats gonna happen now
well she is here we will see
so michelle left ricky, she is on her way now to pick up me and dillon so i can go to the scrap yard
i loved this girl like no other at one time and she hurt me bad real bad
one thing i know for fact she really did and does love me,, amanda never did
see i promised michelle a real long time ago that i would never give up on her as a person and that if she really needed something i would always be there and i keep my promises all except one sorry nonie
so she will be here in like an hour
on another note amanda finally got to get out of her lil desert project apartment it's about time yay for amanda maybe she will finally get off of her momma's tit probably not
so i've been called and called myself a soldier so many times but how much of a soldier am i
never ran from a man or group of men, well except jay and a tire iron lol
but over the years i've ran from myself, or hid my true self, killed my true self and numbed my self with drugs
when things are good my true self can be seen and i'm all good, but when shit starts going sideways in my life i've always had a crutch to supress all of my hurts and pains that i've really never dealt with just kept locked away and numbed with a needle
and now that I AM trying to stay clean i'm not being able to handle myself i can't handle my own thoughts my own memories, losses mistakes
there are only a few words in my heart that keep me going
can't means won't and you will
one foot in front of another keeps a man moving boy
ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER
but my feet are getting heavy
and i'm not even sure what i keep putting one foot in front of the other for
i'm not really sure what is going on inside me i have always kinda prided myself on being this strong individual that would not let anything break me
i went to the city monday to continue job hunting and the only good thing that came out of that trip was i got to see my grandfather.
anyways i went to see chasity now remember her father is a crankster gangster, an old school gunslinger. and he wanted to kill me. when she opened the door she said i you sure are bound and determined.
i said bound and determined to what she said either hook up with me or have my daddy kill you i'm just not sure wich one it is that you really want.
i told her hell this aint nothing like that i'm here as a friend and i know your daddy wants me dead i just much rather be killed fighting face to face then to let someone shoot me in the back besides that i go where i want when i want say what i want when i want cause i'm me and just cause someone might want to kill me that wont stop me hell others have tried and more will come and i will always be joe
anyways about that time he pulled up plumb spun and a lil crazy looking when he came in instead of going back to his room like he had been doing he sat down on the couch everyone continued their conversations until i said can we handle this like men.
on that note he revealed the 44 magnum that i guess had been in his hand the whole time . I said no like men without the blades, heaters, and bloody mess on your daughters floor
long story short that's handled
so i leave and went to catch the bus and the fucking bus driver didnt stop, so i ran the 3 quarters of a mile to the next stop he would hit on the way back through i got there in time but when he opened the doors he was all grinning at me like he did that shit on purpose. i took my seat and a couple stops later a lil old lady got on in a wheel chair and this piece of shit just kept being rude to her. i took it as long as i could then i pulled the stop request cord standing before he could even slow down and screaming and yelling at this fat fucking bus driver about how fucking rude he was i noticed he was reaching for his lil taser and out of reflex i slung opened my knife his taser was stuck so i told him he didnt know how close to death he had just came and got off of the bus.
i damn near killed that piece of shit that scared me a lil because i know that i would not even have been remorseful about taking his life only destroying mine
so ricky broke michelles computer and slammed her head into a wall she called and said she was gonna try to go to her brothers he lives in the next town over she said if she made it she was gonna stop here first, i woke up alone so i guess she didn't make it i called her homegirls but got no answer my sister is in el reno right now at my moms so if you read this michelle nonie is there she will help
so i think i'm checking myself into the nut house before i go off and kill somebody
i'm sorry for the things i said but now you need to hear me
it wasn't your toothless punk of an old man that gave you money at the sands motel so we could get into a trailor but you threw me out soon after he got there
it wasn't him getting his ass kicked by carl trying to help you
for almost 12 years i've put up with his shit and i have been telling you how it makes me feel for like three years and ever since i got back i've told you he needs to shut his mouth before i kick his ass
i tried to tell you at sharons and you told me to shut up i went in the living and looked michelle right in the eye and told her alright i'm done next time i'm just gonna sock him
i guess i lied cause it happened again and everyone says i disrespected your house well i'm so fucking sorry but every muscle in my body was tense and it took everything i had not to kick his ass so i left not disrespecting you at all
but what did you do you wanted to follow me outside screaming and yelling just like you used to do to carl right before he would beat you
i'm sorry for disrespecting you i love you more than anything in the world next to nonie it is a sin but i think i love my sister even more than i love god
i hope i'm wrong about that cause if so that will be what sends me to hell but know this i would go to hell and back for her
but because of the night before last the next time i see mike i'm gonna kick his ass like he's never experienced and that sucks because it will probably be at thanksgiving well unless i'm not allowed to come because of that comment but he has proven to me that that is exactly what it's gonna take to make him shut up.and i'm sorry it has to be like this but you and him have made it that way
him because he can't stop running his mouth even to someone who could kick his ass with out even breaking a sweat and you for not telling him to leave everytime he starts and meaning it
i have not had a visit with you in 11 years without listenig to him put me down hell not even a phone call where i didn't have to listen to him in the background even when i was in california doing right
so i'm gonna ask you this who really disrespected you your son who out of respect for you has taken it for years when i could have kicked his ass at any time and made it stop or the sissy that you call a husband that won't do it on a job site or in his truck or even when your not home in fact he doesn't normally even do it when it's just me you and him
no the punk waits until my sister and mom and dustin are there why cause in my opinion he is a scary bitch
so at this point none of that matters because after the next time i see him he wont address me by anything but sir that i promise
thursday i walked like 12 miles job hunting, then i helped a hitch hiker get money off of his benifits card. so he rented a room and took me to the titty bar he left early but i closed er down
on the way back to the room i stopped by chasity's her husband and i used to be friends or so i thought.when i came in she smiled real big you know the ear to ear kind of smile then she said i don't know if you should be here so i asked her if she was asking me to leave she said of course not but my dad wants to kill you and he will be here in a minute i told her that i knew that when i walked up but i still walked up
when her dad got there it got crazy for a minute but she told him this is my house he went outside with his knife so i got mine and started to go out she said no he'll come in in a min just watch him anyways we ended up going to the lake and watching the sun come up before we went to braums for some biscuits and gravy then she took me back to my room so i could sleep
when we woke up shane said he wanted some weed so i called chasity when she got there she asked if i wanted to run some errands with her
on the way back to the room she asked if i minded if we made a pit stop i said no not at all so we went to this little bar on the s.e side of okc, now thats my type of girl she aint no scared lil fake ass ho thats a bad side of okc and a bad ass lil biker pub
several buckets of beer and about four double crown and cokes later it was time to go things got pretty hot and heavy in the car on the way home while she was driving we couldn't keep our hands off of each other i was pulling her hair and biting her neck when she almost hit a van but that didnt even slow us down
when we got back to the room i wound up beating shane up for disrespecting chas and i made him leave so we could be alone when i got in bed with her she started kinda flipping out cause she married lenny on valentines day and even though she is fed up and made those vows based on the lies he told her those vows are real to her
the next day i went to roof a house on like 3 hours of sleep and hung over my brother in law and i got into it mainly cause i was hot tired andhungover but i walked off
then when we all got to my moms mike started running his mouth again lol i just realized something he always waits until he is around my mom to do that shit he could've done it on the way home but he always waits until my mom is around
anyways i've let that loud mouth sissy disrespect me for the last time
