today is the day

well i will know today if i passed my drug test, it is really kind of fucked up to me that i would not quit smoking pot for parole, but for this job i did but i guess it may have been a little to late, even if i fail the test i'm not going to give up i am going to call Tim Aduddell the owner of the company i work for and just shoot straight with him it is the only thing i know to do, i know this much working for this company has a whole lot to do with the fact that i have been able to stay sober, combined with the love and support of my family the combination of the two has given me  the strength to fight my addiction and has for the first time in my life made me believe in myself and my future and the thought that i may lose that has me scared to death but i wont let it cause me to relapse again. if my test comes back positive i hope that Tim will take into consideration that i had just lost my best friend, more than a friend my brother, that did not give me an excuse to relapse but that is the reason, i did fine until i went to the sight that he died at then it was real and really it was to much, he died at a spot we spent many a night together at, but today is the day

A LITTLE WORRIED

well i have to admitt i am a little bit worried about my drug test results tomorrow. i really feel like such a failure i have so much going for me and to think i might lose it over smoking pot makes me sick. i have had a couple of relapses but i have managed to pull my shit together, and even through my fuck ups i am proud of me, well i was proud of me but right now i am so disappointed in myself and i just don't know what to do i just pray that the Lord makes a miracle happen for me cause right now that is what it will take

so so all alone

so today has sucked ass on top of having to worry about a bull shit drug test to keep a job i desperatly want to keep, in los alamos you can't even drink at a bar until you  get good and drunk no these sissy's want to throw you out just when your having a good time they say damn you look drunk well no shit that was my goal now make me a drink. my thing is this i dont normally drink but in trying to be responsible and not smoking pot i drink right wrong or indifferent that is what i do. i personally would much rather just smoke a joint but our govcrment and job forces seem to think that smoking a joint at night makes you un fit to work during the day, but go get drunk brag about how much you drank and feel like shit and work like shit, and your one of them. i guess the question i'm asking myself is do i want to be like them, and i know the answer hell no i like being me. aside from only having one friend who doubles as my brother in law. since i have given up what i know as life and survival i feel more and more lonely each day. today almost broke me, had it not been for my stubborn pride, my hunger to suceed and my family today would have broke me and the truth is today did break me i just didn't break but i am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and i dont know how much longer i can go on and i don't even know what would make it better all i want is to be loved, not lusted after, not wanted for possesions i can give just loved for being me, flaws and all i am loud i am cocky I AM JOE POWERS and i just want to be accepted for that. i just want to find one good woman who won't lie to me, steal from me, or cheat on me, but the truth is i am giving up on believing in fairy tales it is what it is and i guess a fairy tale is not in store for me just pain, hurt, lonliness and loss.it is what it is, and for me it is not and they lived happily ever after it just is not

home sweet home

so we pulled into town last night and you know joe i spent the evening kicking it with the girl who runs the front desk and her 3 friends we sat down in the lobby and got smashed on some southern comfort and then the girl that works the desk got scared so all of her friends left except april who came up to my room we drank some beer and made out a little anyways after i go take that real hard test where you have to hit the cup i'm going to take her to lunch until later peace holla at ya boy

i leave today

we leave at 8 this morning for new mexico i'm gonna miss my family but damn do i need the money

so we are leaving on sunday

well my boss called and told me after work today that we leave on sunday 8 a.m to go to new mexico so i have spent the evening getting everything i need ready.living right in yucca valley seemed so easy but here it is a struggle every day not to resort to my old life but i have been doing pretty good today i was stressed out but now i am finally home everything is packed now i just have to do this roof tomorrow with my brother and step dad and then leave sunday and when i get back all of my bills will be caught up and i'll have several grand in the bank actually i'm hoping to have 1,000 to 15,000 in savings and like 3 grand in my checking

mom, nonie, dustin, and the boys i'm gonna be missing you but i'll be making that fat cash so love yall see ya when i get back

and JAY tomorrow when i smoke my last joint cause i'm quitting it will be dedicated to you soldier may you rest in peace i miss the fuck out of you 

life is good

so i found out today that i get to go to los alamos new mexico monday making 32.00 dollars an hour again that news came right in time since the tag title and tax is due on my durango

i've pretty well cut off all ties with anyone that i used to do dope with and i'm still single so i have been a little lonely but my puppy keeps me company i need to get some pictures on here of my puppy my lil smoke dog anyways so life is good