another friend is dead

another one of my friends past on this week end we were not nearly as close as jay and i although i knew him a lot longer

death is just so final there are no do overs or im sorry's

people just die and if things are left unsaid or un finished

then they stay that way so tell the ones you love how much you love them everyday

a poem one of my ex's wrote

A Drug in this Town
Current mood: miserable
Category: Life

 

There’s a drug in this town that can always be found
If you’ve tried it you’re a fool, it is mean, it is cruel
I can tell you these things because they’re tried and they’re true
And though you can’t see it, it has probably hurt you

They say it takes your money, your teeth, and your fat
But people who’ve been there know it takes more than that
It takes your ambition, your pride, and your heart
It thwarts you purpose in life, your own special part

It’s deceptive; if feels like it may give more than take
But it substitutes real qualities with ones that are fake
Until you no longer can function yourself
And what was once naturally yours, now sits on a shelf

No time for deep thinking, no time for your soul
No time for your spirit to learn and to grow
Your physical body now depends on the drug
Without it all systems move like a slug

Things that happen with people in life that aren’t right
Don’t deal with it, stuff it, keep it in there, hold it tight
Knowing it doesn’t take much to feel back on top
Just snort a quick line, smoke a puff, slam a drop

Your life looks good on the surface above a rotten foundation
Underneath are depression, hopelessness and stagnation
You never see improvement, you never see change
You never move forward, your problems are always the same

It makes you thoughtless and it makes you hard
Life rushes past fast but it leaves you scarred
You’re always so busy, there’s so much to do
But in the end you’ve done nothing and you’re no longer you

So walk away now, far away if you can
Never look back and never give in
Take what’s left of your Self and leave all the strife
And give thanks to God for your precious life

damn i think i got strep throat

so i have been coughing for two days and my lil sister went to the doctor and has strep throat so i think i got strep throat i can not afford to get sick i got work and school and i just dont have time to be sick

so i fucked up

so i got high over spring break and two weeks ago i got high again and every one found out about it my mom is mad cause i apologized to my lil sister and not her yet it was more cause rachel needed it right then i heard from a friend of hers that she was really pissed off i try so hard and still manage to always fall short but not short in distance but short by weight 0.25 grams or other wise known as 25 cents

the truth is

last night i wrote some things that may be construed as offensive the truth is i was mad and hurt. i have done nothing wrong and the truth is i do love amanda and as much as i love her i love her boys twice that much this morning i was getting my lil brother ready for school and could not stop thinking about jerimiah and jonothan

but should i feel bad about being a single man, i think not i am single, hard working and good looking man and so what if sometimes i whore around i'm single does that negate my love for amanda no but should i wait for a woman who has no love for me no

damn damn damn

so i partied way to much over spring break but i went to two bad ass parties, but i wound up in bed with someone i shouldn't have, now class has started back and english comp two looks like it's gonna be way harder than comp one and comp one kicked my ass i made an 85 which blew my 4.0 out of the water

then last night my mom and i got into it which caused so much pain that i normally have a handle on to break loose. had it not been for my land and truck being in my brother in laws name and my phone being in my sisters name i would have left last night and just drove until i couldnt drive anymore

it's just that here everyone brings up my past and my mistakes and very few people even seem to notice that aside from my addiction and my temper, I believe that i am real close to being what God calls us to be. I'm not fake or phony i'm one of the most giving and loving person that a person could ever meet. i will do anything for my family or a friend, keep in mind that i have very few FRIENDS i have buddies and homies but if i call you my friend than know that i would kill for you or die for you without hesitation or thought

my mom said that my addiction had become a lifestyle where as my sister knew moderation the difference is my sister never got kicked out of our house for trying to protect our mom when she was being tossed around or spit on but i did no less than once a month from the time i was 14 to 17. where does a person that age go when they have no place to go THEY GO ANYWHERE THEY CAN and more often than not its dope houses or if its a girl its perverted old men

my mom said she had drug problems with me before the berry house i smoked pot that was it but i went to church volunteered my time building church of the rock and helped them remodel a night club into a worship center and youth center and came home one night to have my every hope and dream torn apart

and now that im finally starting to dream and do right nothing i ever do is right im always in the way honestly last night i was a close to being suicidal as i have ever been and had it not been for nonie and rachel i dont know what i would have done i'm not saying i would have killed my self but im sure i would have fucked off everything i have accomplished and probably not even cared well i was supposed to be studying so holla

BEEN A WHILE

well it's been a while since i wrote a real entry i have been extremely busy but this week end ill update you on my life