mixed signals

its like sometimes she wants to talk to me and other times she forwards my phone calls to voice mail sometimes she says she loves me and sounds so sincere and other times its just like bye i dont know what to do and i didnt read any of my homework reading assignment that ill have a quiz over monday but ill get it done tomorrow

im tired i spent the day crawling around an attic rewiring this old house that we should have torn down. but i did have a pretty good day i spoke with Amanda the whole way to work, it was just nice it was alot closer to what it used to be than what it has been in a while

when she says she loves me

it reminds me of the happiness we once shared. it makes my heart beat the beat of happiness and joy, it is like nothing else even matters

man im tired, i just got off of work and i have two chapters to read but i just found out that i dont have to move until i finish the semester which helps i was not looking forward to crashing at dope houses and trying to do college and work. There was a time when dope houses was the only place i was comfortable but several months ago i picked my home girl up at her uncles house( a dope house) and was like u need to come on. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i was just uncomfortable. she told me the Joe she remembered would walk into any dope house anywhere and feel right at home start calling shots and telling people to move around. That joe doesnt exist anymore. when i got jumped the other night i got back to roberts and dustin was like come on joe lets go get em. Once upon a time I wouldnt have stopped until they were all dead. but i look back now on the man i had always been, and i see a lot of things i didnt like. at the same time it is really hard trying to be this me, because im not used to backing down, in fact i have none of that in me. whats worse than that is not only am i fighting with myself on the issue but people that used to know me are asking whats up why haven't you handled that. and all i can think about is a woman who does not love me, before i went to yucca valley valley if someone had jumped me it would have been over with for them if i couldnt find them one on one i would have gotten a hold of jay and the two of us could handle 4 anybodies it didnt make a fuck. but i have strived so hard to make so many changes like when frankie jumped on me and i had that full beat but i was like dog im not doing this i let him up and he split my eye. i just want something different out of life and i have been working very hard to acheive what i want but most of the time it doesnt seem worth it

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE

Have you ever loved someone before you ever met? Has someone taken so much of your heart, and you wish they would love it or just let you have it back? I cannot get past(over) whate ever you may call it I cant stop missing Amanda. I have missed her everyday for almost two years now. We talk from time to time, mostly she is mean to me but then sometimes, I can feel her again, so strong so I hold on a little longer. I love her so much and I dont think that she will ever know how much i truly do care

good news that i need

after work today i got a letter from school, it was an invite to an honors fraternity because of my G.P.A these people will help with scholarships and everything

here we go again

so i got jumped the other night by 4 guys, and i guess u could say i had it coming maybe. this guy called me a pussy a couple of weeks ago, but i had my 6 year old nephew with me so i didnt stop but it really pissed me off so the next time i saw him i called him out but he wouldnt fight, any ways thursday night after class i went to this party at my sisters house and dude was there. some shit happened he called some people that came and didnt do shit, anyways friday i went to this dudes house, and i guess he is one of their cousins ive known him for years but didnt know that anyways i went into his bodyshop and shut the door down when i did my "buddy" locked the shop which was not entirely un common in the evening time but about that time the two guys that i had clled out and didnt wanna fight came out and another dude stepped up and they all swang out towards the end of the fight i thought i was gonna lose my legs but the owner of the shop and oldest of all of us stepped out and i was just fighting the two, which was okay i had that but out of no where the fourth guy smashed a motorecycle helmet over my head about the time i was going black i took one in the nose that woke me up and soaked me with blood any ways as im getting a hold of dude that smashed my nose the owner of the shop yelled its done, man im mad but i was glad it was done, for the moment he asked me if it was squashed, i told him it was, but hell no this shit aint squashed, plus it cost me my place to live so i have to move my Rv in 30 days which is fine i have land but i have school here for 8 weeks so for a month im gonna have to figure something out in el ghetto and for those of u who know me thats not good all the change in my life but i will always be me whatever that means i only grow and learn and mature, but realize i will always be striving towards what God wants me to be he knows my steps before i take them, so my mistakes are all accounted for in his book they are there before i make them and each one is like the potter with his clay, and every time it falls down he the potter re shapes the vessel anyways im rambling i need some sleep, but more than sleep i need some rest