wow i wrote a lot

so i pulled out all of my old journals (the ones in spiral notebooks) to show my lil sister damn i forgot how many i had ive got like 3 bags and 9 or ten journals per bag, I am going to read through them and post some old entries, but there sure is some crazy shit in those old journals

what we had, what we lost

sexy eyes

those lips

first time at the park with miah

me and chris when he came to visit

the boys at the tomb of Christ, Christ park yucca valley

my lil country boy





thats what it was about

first day in yucca







my favorite pic

sexy evil eyes

those lips again

how long it has been

my lil man










she looks good in my shirt

before we ever met





so i have been doing a lot of thinking and i am deleting amanda's number out of my phone, she has my number if she wants to talk she will call, i had to do this once before cause its just to much for me to take, to much rejection from the one who owns my heart for what cause i cant help but to call, hoping she is in a good mood and for a moment we connect again, but more often than not i get blowed off and listen to her talk shit, as much as i love her i dont need nor deserve that, so as i sip on this bottle of whiskey, this toast is to u amanda to what we had and what we lost, i pray the very best for u

lifting weights and having a good time

so we had a good time last night ate some good food hit some good weight and got DRUNK. anyways heres some pics

i feel pretty good today

so last night i went to roberts and lifted weights for an hour or so i feel good today, we did chests last night and tonight after class we are gonna do arms. i really miss working out

amanda hasnt answered the phone to me since yesterday morning, really it is frustrating to me but its like a lady told me at church last night when i was talking about her, she said you know joe its her loss well i gotta go to work peace

what would Jesus do?

Is more than just a catchy phrase that sold a lot of bracelets, it is a philsphy for how we should all base our desicions on. I am sad to say that my life more often than not resembles that of what would satan do. Not really but yeah, i lose my temper, i am prone to be in fights although I am learning to back down that whole turn the other cheek is a little to much for me. tonights message really hit home for me, it was on talking the talk and not walking the walk, i witness to a lot of un believers, and i can tell them ther history of the church and even about other religions and tell them stories in the bible but where at a party where i am drinking and possibly before the night is over fighting.

I know im never gonna be perfect but i know im also not holding up my end of the deal, however i dont think it is all truly a lack of effort cause God and everyone else should be able to see the changes i have made and the obstacles of those changes. see for me and maybe all people, it is not just the struggle of the addiction it is a self identification struggle("inside joke" its from being joe mother fucking powers to just being Joe)

and a person may ask whats wrong with that and the truth is nothing is wrong with that, but how does just Joe act especially in the presence of someone expecting joe motherfucking powers
or in some situations u only know how to act one way kinda causes an idendity crisis in a person okay maybe not in any person but in me it sure the hell has

i know what i want and i know what God wants out of me or at least i think i do and all though i am working torwards that i still have a hard time seeing myself acheive it i mean theres gotta be a reason people that know me or used to know me laugh when i tell them im gonna be a drug counselor, right and hell when i have relapsed i laugh to but its not a funny ha ha laugh its a see they must be rightbut i dust myself off and keep going but then that lil voice says why what for, for this, this is what your working so hard for
anyways blah blah blah wah wah wah im going to bed if anyone does read this a prayer or 2 wouldnt hurt, in fact i believe in the power of prayer and faith and i have plenty of faith in God but not so much in myself anyhow goodnight

are all women really that stupid

so i went to church this morning and tiffany was there (the ex that asked me if i thought she was my bitch while i was fighting this cage fighter and asked her to gather up my things) she needed a ride to wal-mart and asked if i would take her i did but she acted like she thought we might hook up again (seriously are people that stupid)

then i think about my relationship with amanda and i know that yes we are that stupid or at least i am

before i went to cali she was always avalible to me via phone now its like lot of times she blows me off and knowing her she is either doing it on purpose or she has a light weight boyfriend. either way i guess it really doesnt matter cause im the one that still calls her. imagine that an honor student at school but sometimes im dumb as a box of rocks

on a positive note i just finished my homework and even had time to work on my r.v. it is amazing how i make being an honor student look easy but in reality it is hard as hell and keeps me worn pretty thin. the accomplishment itself doesnt wear me thin it is the acting as if its easy. but i really dont know how to express difficulty or hardship i have always been looked upon for strength by those close to me so if i show im struggling then i show weakness and i cant do that. its just not me

a friend of mine heard about some of the difficulties that i have been going through and sent me a text saying she was worried about me i told her i was alright and she reminded me that i say that even when im not alright but that it is my way of making it through im just alright. ill make it i always have i always will no matter what comes along ill make it one foot in front of the other soldier stepping. at the time she asked no i was not all right but i am now and i knew i would be so my answer was im alright and if ever im not all right then i call nonie or dustin and somehow it is all all right

getting ready to go to church

well im up for church, i guess candy got really drunk last night cause i had all kinds of texts when i woke up, poor girl i dont know why she fell in love with me like that i told her i wasnt feeling it and it broke her heart, but everytime she gets drunk she sends me all kinds of texts.
i must have gotten pretty buzzed up cause i guess i gave my number to some girl at burger king cause she called and woke me up at like midnight i prolly shouldnt even go out in public when i have been drinking, cause i always wind up with strange girls calling or i get into a fight. oh well at least i didnt get into any fights, but i dont really like my sleep being disturbed by some chick i dont even remember lol but i guess thats my own fault