so i'm tore up on the inside

so i'm three paragraphs into chapter one and i can not stop the tears and i'm not even to the hard part. i am unlocking memories that for years i have tried to erase with drugs and even failed suicide attempts.I can only pray that God gives me the strength to write this book because inside i'm all tore up

I FINALLY STARTED MY BOOK

SO I FINALLY STARTED MY BOOK THEY CALL ME COWBOY IT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE MY STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS MY FAILURES AND DEFEAT MY NEVER SAY QUIT OR I GIVE UP ATTITUDE EVEN AFTER MY FATHER ABANDONED ME EVEN AFTER BEING BRUTALLY RAPED.BEATING AN ADDICTION TO HEROIN AND COCAINE AND MY ON GOING BATTLE WITH MY ADDICTION TO METH WHITCH I DO BELIEVE IS ANOTHER BATTLE THAT I HAVE FINALLY DEFEATED AFTER SO MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS AND I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITH OUT MY SISTER OR MOTHER OR BROTHER IN LAW OR WITH OUT AMANDA I DONT THINK SHE WILL EVER KNOW HOW MUCH I REALLY DO CARE OR HOW MUCH LOVE I AM CAPABLE OF

I'M SUCH A DUMB ASS

seriously i am such a dumb ass i woke up with every intention to start my book this morning, it is time but i am to fucking stupid to even find the note pad or writing function on this fucking machine.i can work on cars,build houses,ride horses,hunt and track,but for the life of me i can not figure out computers and technology,hell i have a hard time operating the remote control to our dvr which by the way Nonie you should get that no more commercials or rewinding your tape so you can record tomorrows you can record 2 shows at once u need to tell Dustin you want it Amanda loves it any ways i feel better now so peace

LAST NIGHT WAS REALLY SPEACIAL TO ME

SO LAST NIGHT WAS REAL SPECIAL TO ME JUST HOLDING MY GIRL IN MY ARMS SHE IS SO AMAZING AND SHE MEANS SO VERY MUCH TO ME I COULD NOT IMAGINE HAVING TO GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT HER BY MY SIDE OR WAKING UP TO HER BEAUTY

he's on his way home

well my little cousin went on his soul search and now he is on his way home i am a little disappointed in him cause he did something that i consider to be a little heartless and cold but at the same time i have also done the same thing i guess maybe i held him to a higher standard than i do myself any ways we had a blast and i was happy to see him but i wish it had been my sister instead any ways i hope he found what it was he was looking for in himself but i doubt it cause in a way he took his journey on his mothers tit i would never tell him that but i think when a  man goes on a soul search i feel as though he should make his own way on his own resources and skills.it just is not the same if you have your moms credit card and a pocket full of cash that is not a soul search that is a vacation i personally think his mom and dad should have handed him a set of keys a hundred dollars and said kick rocks find your way and along the way find yourself of course he does have a son and maybe that could not have been done

TO AMANDA

                              I LOVE YOU

             I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOU NEED ME                                  I LOVE YOU CAUSE I NEED YOU TO            

    I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOU HELPED ME THROUGH 

SHIT I JUST COULD NOT SEEM TO GET THROUGH

           I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOUR BEAUTIFUL

              I LOVE IT WHEN YOU KISS ME

                 AND TELL ME I HAVE TO STAY

                     I LOVE YOU WHEN YOUR ANGRY 

                       AND TURN AND WALK AWAY

                      I LOVE YOU IN THE MORNING

                           I LOVE YOU ALL DAY LONG  

                         AND I LOVE YOU THE MOST

                        BECAUSE YOU ARE SO STRONG           

well i didnt quit

so i made it 7 hours without a smoke then bummed one from a guy at work i really thought that i may have been ready to do it my cousin has come and gone again i'll write more about that tonight and add pics but right now i'm going upstairs to hold amanda