so i think it is time

so in one month Amanda and i are going on vacation to oklahoma and she has told me that i can't expect her to to like  or be nice to my dad and she is right i honestly can not ask that of her.

at times it is real hard for me to be respectful and nice to him and now i honestly think that it is time for me to tell him how i really feel to tell him how much pain he has caused me and at times after i talk to him and then look in johnathons and jerimiahs eyes i wonder how any man can do their son like that.i raised three step kids for 8 years and i love them dearly and i could never turn my back on them ever

I am going to do it at my moms house with my sister and mom and dustin and mike I am gonna tell him that in order for him to be a part of my life he is gonna have to admitt that he was wrong and his wife is gonna have to admitt that she was wrong.Of course at that moment i will no longer have a father because he is a coward who wont stand up to his wife not even for his own son. while he was in her comfy house or riding her fucking harley i was in juvenile detention getting beaten and raped every time my cell door opened it was a fight for me most of which i lost because it was me against a whole pod never all at the same time but never less than 3 unless i attacked one as soon as my door popped and beat him until a gaurd locked me up again. only to be released a broken drug addict who woke up every day wishing he hadnt.and that is how i would spend most of the last 11 years hating life so much that it was just easier for me to stick a needle in my arm and forget the pain that sometimes seems so over bearing and the anger that i am scared one day may send me back to prison.most days since i have been here with amanda and the boys everything is fine i dont know what triggers my thoughts or why i sometimes just start thinking about how much of a coward my father is

any ways i am not a boy any more i am a man and i have done more for my 3 step kids that man ever did for me.but i was young and i to made a lot of mistakes but i have a really great woman really great kids and i am dope free and now when i start having these dark thoughts i write or read the bible with the kids but i dont think hey i wanna do a shot of dope

but i do need to draw the line with my father and he can either admitt his wrong and be a father or kick fucking rocks

damn i wish i could hold her all day

well Dave is running late and Amanda is taking the day off and i just wish that i could crawl back in bed with her and hold her all day long that would be my idea of a perfect way to spend this day. instead I'll have to miss and long for her all day long she is definitely where my heart is at and where my thoughts are all day

baby i love you and i hope that you get the rest and relaxation that you have been needing and i want you to know that all day long i will be missing you

damn i love her

so last night was so fucking wonderful all though i am paying for it now because i did not get shit for sleep.

Amanda and I laid in each others arms all night as i caressed her soft silky skin.she kept telling me how much she loves me and how much she needs me and it made me glow on the inside.

I wish every night could be just like that

well with a little more sleep

AMANDA BABY I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW AND U ARE STUCK WITH ME FOREVER CAUSE I DON'T GIVE UP I DON'T KNOW HOW

 

they are worth it

so my girl has been talking about quitting smoking pot for a while now and I have been very very hesitant,because to be honest I am an unstable person and marijuana stabilizes me.When I was in prison my mom mentioned me getting put on anti depressants. I did not like that idea because all though prescription medicine is legal i am not very impressed with the idea of trading one addiction for another.Any ways the other day after our big fight and my trip to the bus station  i went across the street to get some smoke they could not get any but where smoking so i stayed and smoked.when i heard Amanda calling me i came outside and when the heat hit me i felt all blah and we still had laundry to do so i started thinking maybe i would try this non smoking thing i told Amanda that we were gonna get a lil bit of smoke to get through the week end and on Monday we would quit.monday morning went just like any other alarm clock went off at 4 am and i started doing my journal and book. I had not been awake long when i heard her sisters boyfriend arguing with the neigbor.it was no big deal just some Mohawk drama.any ways i woke amanda up for work and she left.the kids and i had a pretty good day .Johnathan wanted to play at trishes so i took Cory and miah to the park while we were out cory ran off so as i was chasing him a guy my girl knows called me over so him and his ol'lady could smoke with me and then give me some.that really pissed amanda off but near as much as it disappointed her.see she is counting on me to be strong and i was not, even though her and the boys are worth it

more drama

so if you read my journal you know I lost my job because a 300 pound coward tried to threaten me and because of his size or who he is I guess he thought that I would bow down except I can not bow down to anyone other than my king my savior, Christ the king,and my God calls me to be meek and mild and I try to be that but He also calls us to be assertive soldiers to his army see being meek does not mean being weak.The man that called me out is supposed to be a Christian and has a sober living home,but he is a racist and a bigot which at times I can be as well but I am not trying to parade myself as more than I am.Any ways his step son is one of my girlfriends friends best friend. I was at his house last night and he said something about it I told him what happened but felt tension and left. So I see him today and I tell him that I don't want my falling out with his friends dad to cause problems over here.He told me that he knew them for years and if some one gives orders he'll ride with some home boys to do whatever , cause josh is that man. I can not say anything about any man all I can say is I AM THAT MAN whatever that may mean to you but I have a dilemma and it is this. I am trying very hard to leave that man buried, retired whatever because I have been that man not because that man is who I am but who I have always had to be to survive but at the same time I know men that are more dangerous than me that would kill for me and all of that and this is non sense.To me this is a dead issue but I pray to my God who has always given me strength and wisdom and protection.To guide my heart and feet with his wisdom and protect me and my family like he always has before and as always grant me my strength when i need it and his forgiveness when its done.

another great day

so yesterday was another almost perfect day.even though i fell asleep and didnt wake up in time to get the house clean for amanda.she did not come in and start a fight but rather just started cleaning. i felt like a piece of shit for not having the house clean because i know that she had had a bad day and was tired.we had a really great dinner and love makings and then went to bed.If only everyday could be so perfect

 

my boys

me johnathon and miah

so they are not mine by blood but these boys make my day worth waking up to. we spent the day riding bikes and playing at the park now miah is sleeping and i am thinking about taking a nap before i clean and cook the steaks that i have marinating my baby is having a hard day cause they are short handed where she works at so i'm gonna masage her when she gets home and then serve her a great dinner

good night