how can i be so smart and still be so dumb

how can i be so smart and still be so dumb, I know that God has preserved me for one set purpose. Now it is on me and has been for a long time and although I am doing some of the things that it will take to fulfill that purpose I haven't been able to do the one thing it will take

To Young To Feel This Old

So I broke my rib Friday I think, Mike and Dustin don't think it's broke cause I haven't went to get it x-rayed, but a broke rib is a feeling you will never forget and I had one that I had x-rayed, and this makes the third time I have had a broken rib. I dont see any need to go to the hospital though because all they do is give you pain pills and I didnt take them the first time or the second time and I dont need them this time. I will heal, although not as well as I used to.

The funny thing is how I broke it, I broke it the same way as my first one, wrestling with a youngster, my lil sister has this boyfriend who is traing to be a cage fighter so I wanted to see how good he actually is, and lets just say he earned my respect.

So my computer class is a little harder than I expected it to be, but I think I will be fine, I would do a lot better if i could quit smoking pot and drinking beer. After class when I needed to be doing homework I was drinking and smoking with Jimmy, then came home to do my homework stoned and half drunk. I only got one of the two assignments done then decided to write in my journal, but I have found that stopping when your mind says to and doing something that takes off the stress actually helps. When i try to keep going when my mind doesn't want to i normally just get frustrated and don't accomplish very much.

Well I guess gonna call it a night I have to do some attic work at 7 A. M tomorrow morning and like I said I think my rib is broke so you can imagine how much fun that is going to be

WOMEN

so i guess jennifers crack head boyfriend got out of jail and she is going to take him back, women always leave me confused.

but duvacha texted me this morning just to say hi and that she has been thinking about and missing me, i think rather than going to yucky valley i think im gonna take a trip to san francisco, i mean why not

who really knows what im gonna do my plans always change, but i could damn sure use a road trip for real, i dont know why but i always get that itch to just take off, sometimes a man just has to get away, think, live, breath. just to enjoy life, and also to realize and remember where it is he,or I came from and where i am going or trying to go well its time to go back to work peace

 

my biggest fans

so when i thought i had H.I.V my sister wrote some really touching poems in her journal i just kept reading them and reading them over and over again, wondering how i could be so stupid, and i still havent figured that one out. but i decided to write a little something about the force that drives me, and that force should be God, and he does drive me, but that force is my sister nonie, our whole lives there is nothing that she would ask me for that i didnt give, her accept sobriety. then when i thought my addiction had caused me a slow, horrible death, what did joe do, ill give u one guess I GOT HIGH can u say dumb ass. and i was reading my sisters poems and looking at pics and crying and just wondering how can i be a hero to nonie and rachel and even my cousin chris, im not hero materiel, im still that  scared little boy that cant stay sober. im going to college to be a drug counselor as i sit here and smoke a bowl of pot and write about my recent relapse, what the fuck is wrong with me. sometimes i think ill never get it right. and i wonder why i even try, then i see nonie or my nephews, illtalk to my brother in law that has went out on limb after limb, and loves me, and even with every mistake he believes in me. when my cousin chris told me i was his real life hero, it exploded inside me, i always wanted his life, his mom and dads got money their together still, u know one big happy family, chris grew up in the american dream. although are paths in life pretty much go the same way even though we had different up bringings. on rachels myspace i am her hero, i just wish i could deserve to be that hero

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how can i be

how can i ever be

this i man i see

standing in the mirror looking at me

laughing like its a joke

he says im chasing a dream

but i wont succeed

i want to prove him wrong

but i cant even put down the bong

how can i be the man God sees

 

home for lunch

well im home for lunch and im tired as fuck and i have class tonight, i thought i was gonna get to meet jennifer this week end but i guess not im still going to shawnee though i need a break from the city for real

WAITING ON COUNTERTOPS

Well i have been waiting on countertops for two days now and i am ready to be at work plus jennifer is busy so i am going stirr crazy i need to work or talk to her im just bored