so so all alone

so today has sucked ass on top of having to worry about a bull shit drug test to keep a job i desperatly want to keep, in los alamos you can't even drink at a bar until you  get good and drunk no these sissy's want to throw you out just when your having a good time they say damn you look drunk well no shit that was my goal now make me a drink. my thing is this i dont normally drink but in trying to be responsible and not smoking pot i drink right wrong or indifferent that is what i do. i personally would much rather just smoke a joint but our govcrment and job forces seem to think that smoking a joint at night makes you un fit to work during the day, but go get drunk brag about how much you drank and feel like shit and work like shit, and your one of them. i guess the question i'm asking myself is do i want to be like them, and i know the answer hell no i like being me. aside from only having one friend who doubles as my brother in law. since i have given up what i know as life and survival i feel more and more lonely each day. today almost broke me, had it not been for my stubborn pride, my hunger to suceed and my family today would have broke me and the truth is today did break me i just didn't break but i am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and i dont know how much longer i can go on and i don't even know what would make it better all i want is to be loved, not lusted after, not wanted for possesions i can give just loved for being me, flaws and all i am loud i am cocky I AM JOE POWERS and i just want to be accepted for that. i just want to find one good woman who won't lie to me, steal from me, or cheat on me, but the truth is i am giving up on believing in fairy tales it is what it is and i guess a fairy tale is not in store for me just pain, hurt, lonliness and loss.it is what it is, and for me it is not and they lived happily ever after it just is not