so i got my apt yesterday its small as hell but i had to move by the first im still tryingto buy these 2 houses, one for myself and one for my lil sister for hergraduation gift i feel so much better th last couple of days but this weekend will be hard cause its jays birthday rest in peace brother. i hav been talking to jennnifer a lot the girl in myrtle beach i thnk shes something else

not enough sleep

i was in bed by 9 o'clock but i tossed and turned all night i dont feel like i got near enough sleep, but now i have to be up for work and i feel exhausted physically mentally and emotionally. i just want to curl back up and go back to bed but i cannot. i owe i owe so off to work i go

I am your constant companion.I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.I am at your command.Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,For I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.I am easily managed, just be firm with me.Those who are great, I have made great.Those who are failures, I have made failures.I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of amachine and the intelligence of a person.You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.Show me how you want it done. Educate me. Train me.Lead me. Reward me.And I will then...do it automatically.I am your servant.Who am I?I am a habit.


The author of the above is unknown, but the words are right on target. If you make good habits, they in turn will make you. But like the weeds in the garden, bad habits can take over your life. Make a decision today to pull those weeds.

cant figure it out

how can i sometimes be so full of love and life, and other times like now all i can do is cry. why cant i just bury the past. why do memories have to last and last. and i have plenty of good ones why dont they come to mind, instead of this nightmare buried inside. will i ever be able to just enjoy life, and not ever have to worry about crumbling inside. i can be having a perfect day and then out of nowhere a single thought can shatter my day. a conversation about my dad or watching a young boy and his dad. talking to a single mom whos ex has nothing to do with their child can all just send me back to that shower where i was fighting for my life, or that cell where i was all alone beaten and cold, i know its sad a grown man feeling like that scared lil boy all over again but when it hits me there i am that lil boy and i dont know what to do. when i was younger it was get high and fight or a long line of one night stands, all sorts of things but nothing ever truly makes those feelings go away, meth deadens the pain until i start to come down then i have to use again i can be clean for 6 months and out of no where those thoughts and feelings start eating at me and i fight and i fight then the suicidal thoughts start to overwhelm me and thats when i normally use i just want to know that one day ill be able to stop those thoughts from destroying me but so far they still do

suicidal thoughts

when everyone is enjoying holiday cheer, that is the time i most want to disappear suicidal thoughts invade my brain, so much anguish, to much pain. i fight my feelings the best i can, when i run out of fight there i am again. at the local dope house self medicate, because this pain I can not take. no my lifes not a party i dont get high to have a good time, i just want these memories out of my mind. i try to stay focused keep my eye on the ball, but everytime i stumble, every time i fall. i keep picking myself up and only God knows why, because personally i feel like im all out of tries.

when your best just isnt good enough

when your best isnt good enough and no one understands, they say just forget about it move on and be a man. but they were at home in their cozy beds while my life was being stripped away, one thrust at a time. and for 15 years now no matter how high i get i cant erase the memories from my mind. they say ive made no progress but to that i disagree. because no matter how broke ive been i still havent made meth to make it. i wish that i were stronger, but how strong can one man be, i didnt ask to be a big brother, but ive tried to be the best one that i can be, im sorry that im not stronger and i really wish this could be about everyone else but quite frankly it is not, i know i need to be a better role model for rachel and mary and for dylan and jeremy and christopher, and all i can tell them is enjoy being young stay in school and stay away from drugs, cause i dont really remember being young. i mean kinda i remember hunting and good times then i remember my parents splitting up and although there were good times after that most of those are few and far between the times i was passed back and forth and then the berry house then drugs then highpointe and yes excuses are like assholes and to be honest ive never really tried to make excuses for it i get through each day the best i can and im sorry that through the holidays my family suffers but i promise you this i dont think the pain they know through the holidays match mine maybe it does and i wasnt to high to come in and visit i tried to come in and visit and mom was going off but i did get high through the holidays so yes another broken promise from a brknheartedman i always try to do better and honestly i cant even figure out why but im cold and tired and done crying for the day

READY TO GIVE UP

well anyone who knows me knows im not a quitter maybe that is why addiction has always kicked my ass. lol but no really i think im at the end of my rope, ive been busting my ass this last year with work and school but for why my felonies are all still there i cant get a drivers licence i still dont have a good job. my world seems to be crumbling around me and i dont know what to do i have to move by the first and I dont know where to cause i still havent found a place i could move back to my land but that would make me feel like a coward cause i ran again. i have to beat my addiction here and i dont want to leave rachel. and the truth is i am scared im scared of moving cause i know me and i know that i fuck up i try to make fast money i fuck up and get high. i just dont know what to fucken do and i have a short time to figure it out. well im gonna get off of here and try to figure some shit out

a new year

as we aproach the newly coming year i cant help but wonder what lies ahead. i know the potential that i have and all that i am capable of. i am just scared of not knowing how to act. sometimes like at church when i slip up and curse or when i relapse or i am confrontd in a situation and i dont know how i am supposed to act. i know what i would have done or what i want to do. when i cant pay my bills, i know what i want to do, i know whee my mind always goes first selling dope and robbing folk. sand i cant even say i go to it because it works, cause it normally still leaves me flat on my face. its just what i know the bad boy that doesnt give a fuck hurts a lot less than someone who does and is trying but cant quite seem to get it so no matter how hard i try or how far i come or how far i continue to go. when i fall short, when i dont measure up, it kinda defeats all the times i did measure up, it kinda reminds me that im not superman.. i cant fly or stop bullets. i do not have x ray vision or any other supr power. for that matter i come from a lower middle class broken home. i live from paycheck to paycheck and several times this year i thought i was gonna lose it all. but somehow i keep making it. but now at the first of the year im leaving my safety net. my home base, my reality check it has been embarassing living behind my mom in an rv for the last year but u know what it has for th most part kept me clean and sobr and when i hav relkapsed i always havee to come home to mommas house but before long ill judt be comming home to me well and robert i asked him to be my roomate caus hes my lil sober living buddy wll its almost time to go so merry christmas and happy new year may this one be filled with joy, hope, and love but most of all sobriety and success at school and in finding a job in my profession that im going to colleege for.

so i met this girl on line and i like her alot but she lives in myrtle beach south carolinathats a long way away from me i told her i would come get her at the first of the year if she wanted to move down here we havent worked all week so im gonna have to spend my moving money on my truck payment this week but ill figure it out i always do somehow thats how we do it where im fromwell i havent got to talk to my sweet heart today i misss her

surely it has to get easier sometime, with addiction, finances, fines, being so lonely, when does a person get to enjoy life there hasnt been much joy to my life here lately, to be honest it has been all i could do to just keep going i know its pathetic but it is what it is

staying sober

staying sober this time of year is always so hard for me,not like the rest of the year is easy. but this time of year is when i remember the most. when i hurt the most when i escape the most it used to be from early november thru january but with jays death on september 11 now it starts a lil bit early. i owe my mom and sisters at least a better attempt then what i have been giving it. well i have to go peace

a break

tonight was my last final of the semester finally a little break now if i could just get one financially and emotionally and spiritually i would be all set well im at least thankful for what ive got and that is a lil break

well i was inducted into phi theta kappa an honor society at school, but i have been fucking up a whole lot here lately, and really i am scared to death of not making, but i have to, i cant have come this far to not finish it. I have done so well this last year in school and the truth is I did that by only half assing it. I didnt have to put out no where near my best efforts at any time in my college experience thus far. but my boss sent me a text this evening saying that he didnt think that he needed me tomorrow and that we would talk about thursday tomorrow sometime. I can not afford to be unemployed, i just overvcame, let me re phrase that God just pulled me through one financial situation that had i not of figured something out it was the one that was gonna break me, now this. I try not to let all of the pressure build up. I try not to dwell in the past, i try not to get high on meth, but honestly all im ever doing is trying and i try try try, to normally say why why why. i guess im really to chicken shit to pull all of myself into something because if i do that and fail, well i know something that at one time was all i knew, and if i fail after giving it everything ive got im afraid of where i might go or how i might act, simply because im a jack ass, i like fast cars i like fast women and at one time i loved fast money and drugs. i gave that life all i had. and it was all i knew, and now with the life that i am trying to live sometimes i feel lost, like i dont know how to act or maybe that i know how im supposed to act but im not ready to any ways wah wah wah blah blah blah the balls in my court my hands and its up to me no one to blame if i fail no but or because its do or die sink or swim and ill either make it or i wont but relapses short comings failures and all im gonna fail trying if i fail and if i do make it it well damn sure be because i fought tooth and nail for it cause i have and its not much. just a little reputation, but i know that i have always known where i stood and always knew where i was standing when the smoke cleared , and that is by the people i loved and i am so thankful for all of the many times i have failed and they have still stood beside me.

scholarship

well it looks like i am going to get a full ride scholarship to pretty much any college of my choice thatnks to me grades even though i know its true it doesnt quite seem real
still now all i have to do is decide where i want to go to college at

my sisters essay

Anona Powers
McBride: ENG1213, 8:00am
5 Nov. 2008
Essay 3
Chains
What does it mean to be locked in a cave? I believe there are many people locked inside caves of their own minds; Locked in the darkness about the truths and realities of the real world. In Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” Plato tells a story of human beings who have been locked in an underground cave since their childhood, and have their legs and necks chained so there is no movement, so that they can only see what is presented in front of them (547). For some people that cave is love. When we love somebody, that love is unconditional, like the chains that were there so that the prisoners could not move, and it is hard to see through to the truth about people that we love. Rather you love that person because they are your spouse, because they are your sibling, or because they are your father, it doesn’t matter it is still hard to see through to the truth of who they really are.
When people are married they see only what they want and believe that this is the one person who they can trust that would never hurt them. There are so many couples that believe their spouse would not cheat on them when in fact, they are doing that very thing. When we love somebody we love all the good and it is so hard to see or believe any bad because those chains hold us back from seeing the truth.” how could they see anything but the shadows if they were never allowed to move their heads” (Plato 547). My ex-husband was blinded by the love he had for me, and believed his wife could do no wrong. Everyone told him that I was cheating on him and, being unfaithful, but he was locked in this cave of darkness, bounded by these chains of love where he was kept him from moving, where he could not see the truth. Plato describes the cave as being dark. The only light was a fire burning in the distance, so all the prisoners could see was the shadows in front of them (Plato 547). That darkness made him see only what was in front of him. One day, I enlightened him. I told him the truth of my unfaithfulness and brought him into reality. Now with his new wife, that cave of darkness and those chains of love does not blind him to the truths and reality. Not only did he get enlightened, but so did everyone that witnessed this whole darkness this whole cave of being blinded by love.
Growing up with just one sibling to play with, to talk too, and to love makes two people very close, especially if they are close in age. I grew up with an older brother and we have been inseparable since I can remember. For the longest time, I was trapped in a cave about his drug addiction and what he was becoming. Growin up I thought that he could hang the moon if I needed. My chains of love, that I had for him blinded me. I could not see what was happening to him. The cave I lived in was so dark to the realities of what was actually happening around me. I could not see that he was getting so skinny, so sick; looking like death was upon him. All I could see was my brother the one I love so much that could do nothing wrong or harm anyone including my brother himself. I could not see that he was robbing people to eat and that his whole life was crumbling around him. When I seen the light and realized what was going on, it was like the prisoners seeing the sun for the first time. “And if he is compelled to look straight at the light, will he not have a pain in his eyes which will make him turn away to take refuge” (Plato 548). The pain I felt in my heart, like the pain the prisoner felt in his eyes, at the sight of reality and truth of which I had not known, made me want to go back into my cave and back into my darkness. I was not the only one in a cave. brother is in a cave too, thinking that the only way to kill his pain is to do drugs. He has came half way out of his cave and I’m hopeing that our families chains of love will bring him into the light
While children are growing up, they usually but not always, think their parents can do no wrong and will be there through thick and then no matter what. As children, we do not know much about people, values, morals and such things. It is a parent’s job to teach their children these things. Growing up I thought my fathers’ children meant the world to him. I’ve been in cave since I was a child thinking that we were his world and that we were what matters first and foremost. As an adult, I’m learning that everything I know and love about my father is a darkness, a lie. My love for him has kept me from seeing who he really is. Finding out that my father is in this world for him and not his children, has been very heartbreaking and very painful. I broke those chains of love and came into reality and into the light that his world does not involve my brother, my sister, and I.
Love is like the prisoners chains it keeps us from seeing anything other than what is right in front of us. Love can make us a prisoner of our own cave of darkness, which can make people do things, feel things, and believe things that are untrue or morally wrong. If we find that we have been in a cave, that other people are in, we need to enlighten them and help bring them out of this darkness. Plato says, “The virtue of wisdom more than anything else contains a divine element which always remains” (550). When we enlighten people of such a darkness, whatever their cave my consist of, that wisdom will always be there in case they start to turn around and go back into their cave the wisdom they have learned will keep them out of the dark.





Works Cited
Plato. “Allegory of the Cave.” Isaacs et al 577-52. Isaacs, Jessica, eds., et al. The Power of Language; The Language of Power. 2nd ed. Boston: Pearson Custom, 2006.

last night

so last night shannon called to tell me her class had been canceled and wanted to know if i could come over and study, i said yes i was suprised cause while we were studying she slipped me a note asking if we could have sex again with no commitment i said sure so we ended up studying each other again then the chapter i think ii did well on the test tonight even though i didnt study the book nearly as much as i studied her, anyways its good times to say the least with no worries about getting hurt. it is what it is whatever that is anyways i have a chapter to read so goodnight cruel world

so tired

damn it man i am tired , i over slept yesterday until 10:00 o'clock my boss was kind of pissed im just worn out man work and school and now that i have been helping shannon study im really tired cause it takes me longer to get through a chapter because im having to show her where im finding the stuff and explaining why i think that will be the information on the test, im really not sure what this girl is looking for and to be honest her tubes are tied and i dont have any kids of my own and i want one really bad so i dont really see us going anywhere other than being friends anyways off to work i go

this girl

so this girl in my class asked me last night if we could study together i told her sure, now im wondering if its studying she really wants or does she have ulterior motives and if she does have ulterior motives, is she wanting a man or just someone to boink her. i guess ill find out tonight, it would be nice to find a significant other i am tired of being lonely

does it ever get better

as if being sick were not enough, and not being able to afford my fines, or being able to get a tag now my radiator is leaking. i cant afford a new radiator hell i cant afford a used radiator. plus i am moving in 6 weeks. i am really stressed out, did i mention my love life sucks ass. can i not meet a good girl i met this girl i have been talking to at the park and she doesn't like kids, how can u not like kids seriously i even like bad kids, how can a person look at a child and feel hate or dislike, i cant even be friends with a person like that really. any ways wah wah wah i sound like a cry baby huh

on a very positive note i am supposed to have like 10 kids going to church w/ me tomorrow, and even if i have to fill my radiator up with water at every block ill get them there, there are still just several things i need to get right in my life, my temper and unbridled tongue to start with, i need to quit smoking, shit i went from cigs to cigars and honestly i cough worse now

i do feel a little better since i have been hitting the weights again but i haven't really been consistent with it, u know life happens

well i said i was gonna blog some of my loder entries that i wrote down but maybe not im not so sure im comfortable with that

old entries

so homework is going slow but i found an entry from dec 22 2003 right before i went to prison

sometimes when i wake up i feel destined to do great things and sometimes when i wake up just being alive fills me with hate, i think that my calling is to help teenage kids to make better choices in their life my only problem is that im always broke and how can i run a center when im always high on crank and coke. if i could just get this needle out of my arm i could teach others to do the same living life with a needle in your arm steals all of your ambitions and dreams, and in life there are so much more important things

still feel like hell

i have been sick since last week and i still feel like hell. My boss had to take his wife to the hospital so we are taking the day off and i didnt complain even though i couldnt afford to miss any work. i have some study notes to do before class on thursday and 2 chapters to read so im gonna get that done then go through some of my old journals and find some entries to post a reminder of why i struggle so hard now to change and better my life

uhhhh

man i feel like shit this head cold has really kicked my ass, and on top of that now today my stomach is all upset. I feel like im gonna hurl everywhere and i have to leave for work in like 20 minutes, so i should prolly be getting my shoes on. i missed work Wednesday cause it was raining and i didnt wanna work in the rain with this bad ass cold, so i definitely cannot miss today, i still havent published any of my entries that are wrote down inmy spirals but i will get around to it

wow i wrote a lot

so i pulled out all of my old journals (the ones in spiral notebooks) to show my lil sister damn i forgot how many i had ive got like 3 bags and 9 or ten journals per bag, I am going to read through them and post some old entries, but there sure is some crazy shit in those old journals

what we had, what we lost

sexy eyes

those lips

first time at the park with miah

me and chris when he came to visit

the boys at the tomb of Christ, Christ park yucca valley

my lil country boy





thats what it was about

first day in yucca







my favorite pic

sexy evil eyes

those lips again

how long it has been

my lil man










she looks good in my shirt

before we ever met





so i have been doing a lot of thinking and i am deleting amanda's number out of my phone, she has my number if she wants to talk she will call, i had to do this once before cause its just to much for me to take, to much rejection from the one who owns my heart for what cause i cant help but to call, hoping she is in a good mood and for a moment we connect again, but more often than not i get blowed off and listen to her talk shit, as much as i love her i dont need nor deserve that, so as i sip on this bottle of whiskey, this toast is to u amanda to what we had and what we lost, i pray the very best for u

lifting weights and having a good time

so we had a good time last night ate some good food hit some good weight and got DRUNK. anyways heres some pics

i feel pretty good today

so last night i went to roberts and lifted weights for an hour or so i feel good today, we did chests last night and tonight after class we are gonna do arms. i really miss working out

amanda hasnt answered the phone to me since yesterday morning, really it is frustrating to me but its like a lady told me at church last night when i was talking about her, she said you know joe its her loss well i gotta go to work peace

what would Jesus do?

Is more than just a catchy phrase that sold a lot of bracelets, it is a philsphy for how we should all base our desicions on. I am sad to say that my life more often than not resembles that of what would satan do. Not really but yeah, i lose my temper, i am prone to be in fights although I am learning to back down that whole turn the other cheek is a little to much for me. tonights message really hit home for me, it was on talking the talk and not walking the walk, i witness to a lot of un believers, and i can tell them ther history of the church and even about other religions and tell them stories in the bible but where at a party where i am drinking and possibly before the night is over fighting.

I know im never gonna be perfect but i know im also not holding up my end of the deal, however i dont think it is all truly a lack of effort cause God and everyone else should be able to see the changes i have made and the obstacles of those changes. see for me and maybe all people, it is not just the struggle of the addiction it is a self identification struggle("inside joke" its from being joe mother fucking powers to just being Joe)

and a person may ask whats wrong with that and the truth is nothing is wrong with that, but how does just Joe act especially in the presence of someone expecting joe motherfucking powers
or in some situations u only know how to act one way kinda causes an idendity crisis in a person okay maybe not in any person but in me it sure the hell has

i know what i want and i know what God wants out of me or at least i think i do and all though i am working torwards that i still have a hard time seeing myself acheive it i mean theres gotta be a reason people that know me or used to know me laugh when i tell them im gonna be a drug counselor, right and hell when i have relapsed i laugh to but its not a funny ha ha laugh its a see they must be rightbut i dust myself off and keep going but then that lil voice says why what for, for this, this is what your working so hard for
anyways blah blah blah wah wah wah im going to bed if anyone does read this a prayer or 2 wouldnt hurt, in fact i believe in the power of prayer and faith and i have plenty of faith in God but not so much in myself anyhow goodnight

are all women really that stupid

so i went to church this morning and tiffany was there (the ex that asked me if i thought she was my bitch while i was fighting this cage fighter and asked her to gather up my things) she needed a ride to wal-mart and asked if i would take her i did but she acted like she thought we might hook up again (seriously are people that stupid)

then i think about my relationship with amanda and i know that yes we are that stupid or at least i am

before i went to cali she was always avalible to me via phone now its like lot of times she blows me off and knowing her she is either doing it on purpose or she has a light weight boyfriend. either way i guess it really doesnt matter cause im the one that still calls her. imagine that an honor student at school but sometimes im dumb as a box of rocks

on a positive note i just finished my homework and even had time to work on my r.v. it is amazing how i make being an honor student look easy but in reality it is hard as hell and keeps me worn pretty thin. the accomplishment itself doesnt wear me thin it is the acting as if its easy. but i really dont know how to express difficulty or hardship i have always been looked upon for strength by those close to me so if i show im struggling then i show weakness and i cant do that. its just not me

a friend of mine heard about some of the difficulties that i have been going through and sent me a text saying she was worried about me i told her i was alright and she reminded me that i say that even when im not alright but that it is my way of making it through im just alright. ill make it i always have i always will no matter what comes along ill make it one foot in front of the other soldier stepping. at the time she asked no i was not all right but i am now and i knew i would be so my answer was im alright and if ever im not all right then i call nonie or dustin and somehow it is all all right

getting ready to go to church

well im up for church, i guess candy got really drunk last night cause i had all kinds of texts when i woke up, poor girl i dont know why she fell in love with me like that i told her i wasnt feeling it and it broke her heart, but everytime she gets drunk she sends me all kinds of texts.
i must have gotten pretty buzzed up cause i guess i gave my number to some girl at burger king cause she called and woke me up at like midnight i prolly shouldnt even go out in public when i have been drinking, cause i always wind up with strange girls calling or i get into a fight. oh well at least i didnt get into any fights, but i dont really like my sleep being disturbed by some chick i dont even remember lol but i guess thats my own fault

mixed signals

its like sometimes she wants to talk to me and other times she forwards my phone calls to voice mail sometimes she says she loves me and sounds so sincere and other times its just like bye i dont know what to do and i didnt read any of my homework reading assignment that ill have a quiz over monday but ill get it done tomorrow

im tired i spent the day crawling around an attic rewiring this old house that we should have torn down. but i did have a pretty good day i spoke with Amanda the whole way to work, it was just nice it was alot closer to what it used to be than what it has been in a while

when she says she loves me

it reminds me of the happiness we once shared. it makes my heart beat the beat of happiness and joy, it is like nothing else even matters

man im tired, i just got off of work and i have two chapters to read but i just found out that i dont have to move until i finish the semester which helps i was not looking forward to crashing at dope houses and trying to do college and work. There was a time when dope houses was the only place i was comfortable but several months ago i picked my home girl up at her uncles house( a dope house) and was like u need to come on. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i was just uncomfortable. she told me the Joe she remembered would walk into any dope house anywhere and feel right at home start calling shots and telling people to move around. That joe doesnt exist anymore. when i got jumped the other night i got back to roberts and dustin was like come on joe lets go get em. Once upon a time I wouldnt have stopped until they were all dead. but i look back now on the man i had always been, and i see a lot of things i didnt like. at the same time it is really hard trying to be this me, because im not used to backing down, in fact i have none of that in me. whats worse than that is not only am i fighting with myself on the issue but people that used to know me are asking whats up why haven't you handled that. and all i can think about is a woman who does not love me, before i went to yucca valley valley if someone had jumped me it would have been over with for them if i couldnt find them one on one i would have gotten a hold of jay and the two of us could handle 4 anybodies it didnt make a fuck. but i have strived so hard to make so many changes like when frankie jumped on me and i had that full beat but i was like dog im not doing this i let him up and he split my eye. i just want something different out of life and i have been working very hard to acheive what i want but most of the time it doesnt seem worth it

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE

Have you ever loved someone before you ever met? Has someone taken so much of your heart, and you wish they would love it or just let you have it back? I cannot get past(over) whate ever you may call it I cant stop missing Amanda. I have missed her everyday for almost two years now. We talk from time to time, mostly she is mean to me but then sometimes, I can feel her again, so strong so I hold on a little longer. I love her so much and I dont think that she will ever know how much i truly do care

good news that i need

after work today i got a letter from school, it was an invite to an honors fraternity because of my G.P.A these people will help with scholarships and everything

here we go again

so i got jumped the other night by 4 guys, and i guess u could say i had it coming maybe. this guy called me a pussy a couple of weeks ago, but i had my 6 year old nephew with me so i didnt stop but it really pissed me off so the next time i saw him i called him out but he wouldnt fight, any ways thursday night after class i went to this party at my sisters house and dude was there. some shit happened he called some people that came and didnt do shit, anyways friday i went to this dudes house, and i guess he is one of their cousins ive known him for years but didnt know that anyways i went into his bodyshop and shut the door down when i did my "buddy" locked the shop which was not entirely un common in the evening time but about that time the two guys that i had clled out and didnt wanna fight came out and another dude stepped up and they all swang out towards the end of the fight i thought i was gonna lose my legs but the owner of the shop and oldest of all of us stepped out and i was just fighting the two, which was okay i had that but out of no where the fourth guy smashed a motorecycle helmet over my head about the time i was going black i took one in the nose that woke me up and soaked me with blood any ways as im getting a hold of dude that smashed my nose the owner of the shop yelled its done, man im mad but i was glad it was done, for the moment he asked me if it was squashed, i told him it was, but hell no this shit aint squashed, plus it cost me my place to live so i have to move my Rv in 30 days which is fine i have land but i have school here for 8 weeks so for a month im gonna have to figure something out in el ghetto and for those of u who know me thats not good all the change in my life but i will always be me whatever that means i only grow and learn and mature, but realize i will always be striving towards what God wants me to be he knows my steps before i take them, so my mistakes are all accounted for in his book they are there before i make them and each one is like the potter with his clay, and every time it falls down he the potter re shapes the vessel anyways im rambling i need some sleep, but more than sleep i need some rest

BROKEN HEARTS

well i broke a good ladies heart and did not mean 2 actually i broke it twice my sister introduced me to this girl who fell in love, i told her i was not really feeling it ad she left crying, then i told her maybe we could move slow and take some time but i still was not feeling it so i broke up with her now she is heartbroken and i in no way meant to mislead her i honestly thought that at least she would appreciate my honesty, my sister rachel told me that she thought i was still hung up on amanda i dont think thats it but i do believe in fairy tales and candy wasnt my fairy tale. Im still doing good in college although i am not impressed with the paper i finished tonight but it is due tomorrow so even though im not impresssed with it im turning it in

A PRAYER THAT I RECIEVED VIA E MAIL I FOUND IT TO BE VERY APPROPRIATE

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,

I thank You for my being able to see

and to hear this morning.

I'm blessed because You are

a forgiving God and

an understanding God.

You have done so much for me

and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything

I have done, said or thought

that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe

from all danger and harm.

Help me to start this day

with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Let me make the best of each and every day

to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind

that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper

over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response

when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray,

You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be

a blessing to others.

Keep me strong that I may help the weak...

Keep me uplifted that I may have

words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost

and can't find their way.

I pray for those that are misjudged

and misunderstood.

I pray for those who

don't know You intimately.

GETTING CAUGHT UP

well i got my essay done last night, now tonight i have to finish my seminar paper and my study notes but im getting it all caught up so that makes me feel a whole lot better, college is only hard if you do not stay focused but smetimes i have a hard time staying focused. this week however i have to stay focused if i want to entertain any thoughts of making an A

DAY ONE

why can i not get this right, i am calling this day one, actually i have been sober for a couple of days but i was still coming down i started messing with this girl tonya, and before i knew it had been up a couple of days and seriously almost lost everything i have going for me. i broke up with candy last night but now i feel horrible today i never meant to hurt her i just was not feeling it and i wanted to because she is such a great girl and i know she would do anything for me, the thing is she deserves the same i dont want to settle just because she would give me everything i need i need to be able to give that to her as well. to me a marriage is an equal partnership and if i dont feel for her the way she feels for me than it is not really fair to her we have still spoken a couple times today i just do not know what to do

why is the answer never easy

so i have been talking to this girl in tecumseh named candy but she is trying to get serious way to fast and she is very needy of my time and i dont have very much time with work and and school and im really not feeling it. why cant i just have the fairy tale the good wife and a couple of kids, build a house on my land, i  was supposed to have my rough draft of my seminar paper done tonight and i didnt get it finished im not sure  if i can handle a girlfriend right now

how can i be so smart and still be so dumb

how can i be so smart and still be so dumb, I know that God has preserved me for one set purpose. Now it is on me and has been for a long time and although I am doing some of the things that it will take to fulfill that purpose I haven't been able to do the one thing it will take

To Young To Feel This Old

So I broke my rib Friday I think, Mike and Dustin don't think it's broke cause I haven't went to get it x-rayed, but a broke rib is a feeling you will never forget and I had one that I had x-rayed, and this makes the third time I have had a broken rib. I dont see any need to go to the hospital though because all they do is give you pain pills and I didnt take them the first time or the second time and I dont need them this time. I will heal, although not as well as I used to.

The funny thing is how I broke it, I broke it the same way as my first one, wrestling with a youngster, my lil sister has this boyfriend who is traing to be a cage fighter so I wanted to see how good he actually is, and lets just say he earned my respect.

So my computer class is a little harder than I expected it to be, but I think I will be fine, I would do a lot better if i could quit smoking pot and drinking beer. After class when I needed to be doing homework I was drinking and smoking with Jimmy, then came home to do my homework stoned and half drunk. I only got one of the two assignments done then decided to write in my journal, but I have found that stopping when your mind says to and doing something that takes off the stress actually helps. When i try to keep going when my mind doesn't want to i normally just get frustrated and don't accomplish very much.

Well I guess gonna call it a night I have to do some attic work at 7 A. M tomorrow morning and like I said I think my rib is broke so you can imagine how much fun that is going to be

WOMEN

so i guess jennifers crack head boyfriend got out of jail and she is going to take him back, women always leave me confused.

but duvacha texted me this morning just to say hi and that she has been thinking about and missing me, i think rather than going to yucky valley i think im gonna take a trip to san francisco, i mean why not

who really knows what im gonna do my plans always change, but i could damn sure use a road trip for real, i dont know why but i always get that itch to just take off, sometimes a man just has to get away, think, live, breath. just to enjoy life, and also to realize and remember where it is he,or I came from and where i am going or trying to go well its time to go back to work peace

 

my biggest fans

so when i thought i had H.I.V my sister wrote some really touching poems in her journal i just kept reading them and reading them over and over again, wondering how i could be so stupid, and i still havent figured that one out. but i decided to write a little something about the force that drives me, and that force should be God, and he does drive me, but that force is my sister nonie, our whole lives there is nothing that she would ask me for that i didnt give, her accept sobriety. then when i thought my addiction had caused me a slow, horrible death, what did joe do, ill give u one guess I GOT HIGH can u say dumb ass. and i was reading my sisters poems and looking at pics and crying and just wondering how can i be a hero to nonie and rachel and even my cousin chris, im not hero materiel, im still that  scared little boy that cant stay sober. im going to college to be a drug counselor as i sit here and smoke a bowl of pot and write about my recent relapse, what the fuck is wrong with me. sometimes i think ill never get it right. and i wonder why i even try, then i see nonie or my nephews, illtalk to my brother in law that has went out on limb after limb, and loves me, and even with every mistake he believes in me. when my cousin chris told me i was his real life hero, it exploded inside me, i always wanted his life, his mom and dads got money their together still, u know one big happy family, chris grew up in the american dream. although are paths in life pretty much go the same way even though we had different up bringings. on rachels myspace i am her hero, i just wish i could deserve to be that hero

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how can i be

how can i ever be

this i man i see

standing in the mirror looking at me

laughing like its a joke

he says im chasing a dream

but i wont succeed

i want to prove him wrong

but i cant even put down the bong

how can i be the man God sees

 

home for lunch

well im home for lunch and im tired as fuck and i have class tonight, i thought i was gonna get to meet jennifer this week end but i guess not im still going to shawnee though i need a break from the city for real

WAITING ON COUNTERTOPS

Well i have been waiting on countertops for two days now and i am ready to be at work plus jennifer is busy so i am going stirr crazy i need to work or talk to her im just bored

what do i do

so i met this girl i like, and normally i send people my journal but i am scared to death that it will be to much but i guess that means that i would be to much which is normally the case.i send my journal to people cause i want them to know that real me, un cut and raw.

people can either love me or hate me but they cant say i was generic or fake, i try to just be me and most of the time that is to much for people to take

amanda is on another one of her kicks she sent me an e mail saying that we should go our seperate ways hell we did that over a year ago but i have always tried to still be around for her boys even though i am 1800 miles away they need positive male encouragement and guidance

I SERVE A MIGHTY GOD

SO IM CLEAN NO H.I.V

in so many ways im still kinda shocked but i know God has always kept me safe, i quit smoking pot as of today and im really getting my life focused like it should be, I have been blessed so many times in so many ways it is time to stop taking that for granted

Ill know in the morning

im going to be tested in the morning ill know by 9:00 if i have H.I.V or not, and im scared to death this entry is done in red because the bible says by HIS stripes we are healed and i believe that. God has kept me safe so many times I am gonna quit smoking pot and weed if i am clean and really give my life to God and hopefully this girl jennifer she is really something else

GET TESTED TOMORROW

so mike has a funeral to go to tomorrow so i am going to get tested i wont getthe results back for two weeks though so that sucks, but in two weeks i will know.

to be honest i am scared to death like i have never been scared before but i believe everything will be okay it has to be

THIS JUST CAN NOTBE PLEASE GOD DONT LET IT BE

you always think that could not happen to me, or whatever

last NIGHT CHASITY TOLD ME THAT MITCH HAS AIDS, AND ON MY BIRTHDAY WHEN WE WENT TO THE TITTY BAR AND HAD A THREESOME WITH KARI WE ALSO SHOT DOPE, WE SHARED THE NEEDLE I BLEACHED IT  BUT WHEN CHAS TOLD ME  THAT MITCH HAS AIDS EVERYTHING JUST STOPPED.

i never expected to live this long to tell you the truth, between, drunken crazy driving, drug overdoses, wars on the streeet. wars in my mind.

and just when it looks like im going to actually see what i am made of and what i can be and do

i find out that it may be to late for any of that to matter

today has seemed un real to me i went to the hospital. to have them test me for aids, i called before i went up and they told me on the phone that they could do it and then  when we get\up there they tell me that they can not do it, that i need  to see a doctor, i could not believe  that she  couldn't test me,she didnt even act like she  cared

i have been through many things,. and at times i have felt like i could not go any further, but then i do

PLEASE GOD TAKE THIS CUP FROM ME

LORD LET THIS NOT  BE MY PORTION

FATHER I HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN YOU THE GLORY FOR MY LIFE THE PRAISE AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF ACCOMPLISHED GOALS I ALWAYS GI\VE TO YOU FATHER BECAUSE WITH OUT YOU I AM NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.

ACTUALLY THAT IS UNTRUE BUT I Am not nearly strong enough to find out that it hAS ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING

i have always just put one foot in front of  the other taking soldier steps, no matter what just keep moving forward,

 but there is no forward  from this

father your word not mine says that by his stripes we ARE HEALED I INO WAY WANTED TO FATHER I BELIEVE YOUR WORD PLEASE HEAL ME MEND ME FATHER

 

I THINK MY HEART STOPPED

 when amanda told me she loved me, i was in beachelors at the register and my mouth dropped and i couldnt speak. the teller knows me from being in there quite often and was like whats up joe i couldnt even speak, I just got off of the phone with her, but she didnt tell me she loved me this time, I wanted to tell her how much i have missed her and the boys, that I want her to be my wife, but i am not moving back to california, im going in october to visit, but i have 7 acres of land here, a good church and pastor, i just became a sunday school teacher, i am going to be a youth pastor hear but there is not a big youth here. i would like so much for Amanda to come here and be a part of my life, to share our lives together. but i dont want to have sex until i am married, weird coming from me right, but i am serious about being devoted to God I want to just live right in the eyes of God. I want to fulfill what I know He put me here for, and if i do not accomplish it then what have i went through so much shit for, for what reason did i make it through all of that shit to fail, but to succeed there are so many things about myself that I am trying to change, that i have to change. My pastor told me he had the resources to get some sober living homes started, im just not ready, i still smoke pot, and im not gonna be a two sided coin i need to be tranparent every part of my life needs to be able to be seen with out shame or condradiction to that which i teach. If Amanda showed any real interest in coming to Oklahoma it would not take me long to move a trailor to my land and have it remodeled and ready for her and the boys. I dont think that is what she wants I dont know. I know I miss her and the boys I think we could have a good life here. I am half way through my associates in psychology, and then im gonna start on my bachelors degree. all i can do is pray about it, and hope that there is still a spark in her eyes for me when i get there in october i spoke to my pastor about her tonight that is why it was so strange that she told me she loved me tonight. well i got to do some bible study before i call amanda tonight

WAKE UP

Im not sober all the time, you bring me down, at least you try

I must be running out of luck, cause your just not drunk enough to fuck

Wake up im pounding on the door, im not the man i was before

where the hell are u, when i need you

im not angry all the time, you push me down at least you try

you walked away from me when i needed u

MY BAD BUT THAT IS JUST A BAD ASS SONG SO I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE WHAT I WAS LISTENING TO, NOW ITS ON THE STAK

anyways i spoke with amanda last night, the first time in a while, now she is probably gonna be mad cause i called her when i got off work and she said she was at work so i told her to call me when she got off, but i think im gonna be asleep, i got like 3 hours of sleep last night, and it was like 109 degrees today and we were blowing insulation in an attic, im tired as hell and i think im calling it a night. but my cell phone doubles as my alarm so it will be right by me. any ways peace out and God bless

 

CHURCH

today the pastors message was disconnected christains who call out to God but who do not serve him and in so many ways I fit that description, not because I dont try, I do try to serve God and I try to live a moral life but i am weak to temptation, mainly drugs and alcohol, sometimes i wonder if i will ever reach the point i want to reach in life, basically i wonder if i will ever fulfill what god has called me to do, or will it pass me by as life keeps going faster than i do

DAMN I SHOULDA STAYED UP

well i went to sleep early last night, and i missed getting to talk to amanda. but i feel great today. this summer semester really took a lot out of me but i am getting rested up for the fall. I think maybe I am  getting my hopes up for no reason but i think about amanda and the boys all the time and the life i thought we would share together, well i better get dressed for work, peace, love and most importantly may God Bless amanda and her boys

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I THINK IM GONNA GO TO BED

it's not even 8 o'clock and i think im gonna go on and go to bed im tired plus i need to be resting now cause college starts again on august 18th but i am ready just gotta keep rocking these A's and working theses hours a little longer. Then I'll be able to get a salary paycheck, at a good job where im not killing myself in the heat in the summer and the cold in the winter. I'll have benifits and bonus's and I'll be able to be a youth pastor on the side if I can just get rid of these cigars.