a new year

as we aproach the newly coming year i cant help but wonder what lies ahead. i know the potential that i have and all that i am capable of. i am just scared of not knowing how to act. sometimes like at church when i slip up and curse or when i relapse or i am confrontd in a situation and i dont know how i am supposed to act. i know what i would have done or what i want to do. when i cant pay my bills, i know what i want to do, i know whee my mind always goes first selling dope and robbing folk. sand i cant even say i go to it because it works, cause it normally still leaves me flat on my face. its just what i know the bad boy that doesnt give a fuck hurts a lot less than someone who does and is trying but cant quite seem to get it so no matter how hard i try or how far i come or how far i continue to go. when i fall short, when i dont measure up, it kinda defeats all the times i did measure up, it kinda reminds me that im not superman.. i cant fly or stop bullets. i do not have x ray vision or any other supr power. for that matter i come from a lower middle class broken home. i live from paycheck to paycheck and several times this year i thought i was gonna lose it all. but somehow i keep making it. but now at the first of the year im leaving my safety net. my home base, my reality check it has been embarassing living behind my mom in an rv for the last year but u know what it has for th most part kept me clean and sobr and when i hav relkapsed i always havee to come home to mommas house but before long ill judt be comming home to me well and robert i asked him to be my roomate caus hes my lil sober living buddy wll its almost time to go so merry christmas and happy new year may this one be filled with joy, hope, and love but most of all sobriety and success at school and in finding a job in my profession that im going to colleege for.