how can i be so smart and still be so dumb

how can i be so smart and still be so dumb, I know that God has preserved me for one set purpose. Now it is on me and has been for a long time and although I am doing some of the things that it will take to fulfill that purpose I haven't been able to do the one thing it will take

To Young To Feel This Old

So I broke my rib Friday I think, Mike and Dustin don't think it's broke cause I haven't went to get it x-rayed, but a broke rib is a feeling you will never forget and I had one that I had x-rayed, and this makes the third time I have had a broken rib. I dont see any need to go to the hospital though because all they do is give you pain pills and I didnt take them the first time or the second time and I dont need them this time. I will heal, although not as well as I used to.

The funny thing is how I broke it, I broke it the same way as my first one, wrestling with a youngster, my lil sister has this boyfriend who is traing to be a cage fighter so I wanted to see how good he actually is, and lets just say he earned my respect.

So my computer class is a little harder than I expected it to be, but I think I will be fine, I would do a lot better if i could quit smoking pot and drinking beer. After class when I needed to be doing homework I was drinking and smoking with Jimmy, then came home to do my homework stoned and half drunk. I only got one of the two assignments done then decided to write in my journal, but I have found that stopping when your mind says to and doing something that takes off the stress actually helps. When i try to keep going when my mind doesn't want to i normally just get frustrated and don't accomplish very much.

Well I guess gonna call it a night I have to do some attic work at 7 A. M tomorrow morning and like I said I think my rib is broke so you can imagine how much fun that is going to be

WOMEN

so i guess jennifers crack head boyfriend got out of jail and she is going to take him back, women always leave me confused.

but duvacha texted me this morning just to say hi and that she has been thinking about and missing me, i think rather than going to yucky valley i think im gonna take a trip to san francisco, i mean why not

who really knows what im gonna do my plans always change, but i could damn sure use a road trip for real, i dont know why but i always get that itch to just take off, sometimes a man just has to get away, think, live, breath. just to enjoy life, and also to realize and remember where it is he,or I came from and where i am going or trying to go well its time to go back to work peace

 

my biggest fans

so when i thought i had H.I.V my sister wrote some really touching poems in her journal i just kept reading them and reading them over and over again, wondering how i could be so stupid, and i still havent figured that one out. but i decided to write a little something about the force that drives me, and that force should be God, and he does drive me, but that force is my sister nonie, our whole lives there is nothing that she would ask me for that i didnt give, her accept sobriety. then when i thought my addiction had caused me a slow, horrible death, what did joe do, ill give u one guess I GOT HIGH can u say dumb ass. and i was reading my sisters poems and looking at pics and crying and just wondering how can i be a hero to nonie and rachel and even my cousin chris, im not hero materiel, im still that  scared little boy that cant stay sober. im going to college to be a drug counselor as i sit here and smoke a bowl of pot and write about my recent relapse, what the fuck is wrong with me. sometimes i think ill never get it right. and i wonder why i even try, then i see nonie or my nephews, illtalk to my brother in law that has went out on limb after limb, and loves me, and even with every mistake he believes in me. when my cousin chris told me i was his real life hero, it exploded inside me, i always wanted his life, his mom and dads got money their together still, u know one big happy family, chris grew up in the american dream. although are paths in life pretty much go the same way even though we had different up bringings. on rachels myspace i am her hero, i just wish i could deserve to be that hero

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how can i be

how can i ever be

this i man i see

standing in the mirror looking at me

laughing like its a joke

he says im chasing a dream

but i wont succeed

i want to prove him wrong

but i cant even put down the bong

how can i be the man God sees

 

home for lunch

well im home for lunch and im tired as fuck and i have class tonight, i thought i was gonna get to meet jennifer this week end but i guess not im still going to shawnee though i need a break from the city for real

WAITING ON COUNTERTOPS

Well i have been waiting on countertops for two days now and i am ready to be at work plus jennifer is busy so i am going stirr crazy i need to work or talk to her im just bored

what do i do

so i met this girl i like, and normally i send people my journal but i am scared to death that it will be to much but i guess that means that i would be to much which is normally the case.i send my journal to people cause i want them to know that real me, un cut and raw.

people can either love me or hate me but they cant say i was generic or fake, i try to just be me and most of the time that is to much for people to take

amanda is on another one of her kicks she sent me an e mail saying that we should go our seperate ways hell we did that over a year ago but i have always tried to still be around for her boys even though i am 1800 miles away they need positive male encouragement and guidance

I SERVE A MIGHTY GOD

SO IM CLEAN NO H.I.V

in so many ways im still kinda shocked but i know God has always kept me safe, i quit smoking pot as of today and im really getting my life focused like it should be, I have been blessed so many times in so many ways it is time to stop taking that for granted

Ill know in the morning

im going to be tested in the morning ill know by 9:00 if i have H.I.V or not, and im scared to death this entry is done in red because the bible says by HIS stripes we are healed and i believe that. God has kept me safe so many times I am gonna quit smoking pot and weed if i am clean and really give my life to God and hopefully this girl jennifer she is really something else

GET TESTED TOMORROW

so mike has a funeral to go to tomorrow so i am going to get tested i wont getthe results back for two weeks though so that sucks, but in two weeks i will know.

to be honest i am scared to death like i have never been scared before but i believe everything will be okay it has to be

THIS JUST CAN NOTBE PLEASE GOD DONT LET IT BE

you always think that could not happen to me, or whatever

last NIGHT CHASITY TOLD ME THAT MITCH HAS AIDS, AND ON MY BIRTHDAY WHEN WE WENT TO THE TITTY BAR AND HAD A THREESOME WITH KARI WE ALSO SHOT DOPE, WE SHARED THE NEEDLE I BLEACHED IT  BUT WHEN CHAS TOLD ME  THAT MITCH HAS AIDS EVERYTHING JUST STOPPED.

i never expected to live this long to tell you the truth, between, drunken crazy driving, drug overdoses, wars on the streeet. wars in my mind.

and just when it looks like im going to actually see what i am made of and what i can be and do

i find out that it may be to late for any of that to matter

today has seemed un real to me i went to the hospital. to have them test me for aids, i called before i went up and they told me on the phone that they could do it and then  when we get\up there they tell me that they can not do it, that i need  to see a doctor, i could not believe  that she  couldn't test me,she didnt even act like she  cared

i have been through many things,. and at times i have felt like i could not go any further, but then i do

PLEASE GOD TAKE THIS CUP FROM ME

LORD LET THIS NOT  BE MY PORTION

FATHER I HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN YOU THE GLORY FOR MY LIFE THE PRAISE AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF ACCOMPLISHED GOALS I ALWAYS GI\VE TO YOU FATHER BECAUSE WITH OUT YOU I AM NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.

ACTUALLY THAT IS UNTRUE BUT I Am not nearly strong enough to find out that it hAS ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING

i have always just put one foot in front of  the other taking soldier steps, no matter what just keep moving forward,

 but there is no forward  from this

father your word not mine says that by his stripes we ARE HEALED I INO WAY WANTED TO FATHER I BELIEVE YOUR WORD PLEASE HEAL ME MEND ME FATHER

 

I THINK MY HEART STOPPED

 when amanda told me she loved me, i was in beachelors at the register and my mouth dropped and i couldnt speak. the teller knows me from being in there quite often and was like whats up joe i couldnt even speak, I just got off of the phone with her, but she didnt tell me she loved me this time, I wanted to tell her how much i have missed her and the boys, that I want her to be my wife, but i am not moving back to california, im going in october to visit, but i have 7 acres of land here, a good church and pastor, i just became a sunday school teacher, i am going to be a youth pastor hear but there is not a big youth here. i would like so much for Amanda to come here and be a part of my life, to share our lives together. but i dont want to have sex until i am married, weird coming from me right, but i am serious about being devoted to God I want to just live right in the eyes of God. I want to fulfill what I know He put me here for, and if i do not accomplish it then what have i went through so much shit for, for what reason did i make it through all of that shit to fail, but to succeed there are so many things about myself that I am trying to change, that i have to change. My pastor told me he had the resources to get some sober living homes started, im just not ready, i still smoke pot, and im not gonna be a two sided coin i need to be tranparent every part of my life needs to be able to be seen with out shame or condradiction to that which i teach. If Amanda showed any real interest in coming to Oklahoma it would not take me long to move a trailor to my land and have it remodeled and ready for her and the boys. I dont think that is what she wants I dont know. I know I miss her and the boys I think we could have a good life here. I am half way through my associates in psychology, and then im gonna start on my bachelors degree. all i can do is pray about it, and hope that there is still a spark in her eyes for me when i get there in october i spoke to my pastor about her tonight that is why it was so strange that she told me she loved me tonight. well i got to do some bible study before i call amanda tonight

WAKE UP

Im not sober all the time, you bring me down, at least you try

I must be running out of luck, cause your just not drunk enough to fuck

Wake up im pounding on the door, im not the man i was before

where the hell are u, when i need you

im not angry all the time, you push me down at least you try

you walked away from me when i needed u

MY BAD BUT THAT IS JUST A BAD ASS SONG SO I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE WHAT I WAS LISTENING TO, NOW ITS ON THE STAK

anyways i spoke with amanda last night, the first time in a while, now she is probably gonna be mad cause i called her when i got off work and she said she was at work so i told her to call me when she got off, but i think im gonna be asleep, i got like 3 hours of sleep last night, and it was like 109 degrees today and we were blowing insulation in an attic, im tired as hell and i think im calling it a night. but my cell phone doubles as my alarm so it will be right by me. any ways peace out and God bless

 

CHURCH

today the pastors message was disconnected christains who call out to God but who do not serve him and in so many ways I fit that description, not because I dont try, I do try to serve God and I try to live a moral life but i am weak to temptation, mainly drugs and alcohol, sometimes i wonder if i will ever reach the point i want to reach in life, basically i wonder if i will ever fulfill what god has called me to do, or will it pass me by as life keeps going faster than i do

DAMN I SHOULDA STAYED UP

well i went to sleep early last night, and i missed getting to talk to amanda. but i feel great today. this summer semester really took a lot out of me but i am getting rested up for the fall. I think maybe I am  getting my hopes up for no reason but i think about amanda and the boys all the time and the life i thought we would share together, well i better get dressed for work, peace, love and most importantly may God Bless amanda and her boys

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