long long road ahead of me now

a fake ass bitch once told me that i wanted the easy life and i thought she was dead wrong, but thinking back she was probably more right than she will ever know cause it was easy with her and the boys.

working 7 days a week, 10 hour days sometimes 12 hour days, it was easy cause i wanted to give them the world,well maybe not the world but everything that i could.that was easy see she was trying to be hurtful when she said it but it was so so true.

i entitled this entry long long road ahead of me now but it probably will not be any longer or harder than the many roads behind me

and heartbreak and love loss aside it's good to be home, it's good to be joe

i've got a lot to do by the first of the year to have a bad ass home ready and the money put back for my trip cause i am gonna take any where from 2 months to one year out of my life and just travel and live for the day and find that spark that used to make me quite unique. that shit eating grin that used to make me quite irresistable

my ex wife told me last night that it was good to see that i had finally realized that i was a great guy deserving of a great woman and that she was sorry that she was not that woman serena is a great friend just not really a great wife but i do miss knowing that there was always some one there for me through thick and thin

it hurts me knowing that she can not get over me and move on my sister said she never will she loves me with all that she is

i just got home

so we lost electric last night for like two hours i didnt know how long it would be down so i called my sister to let her know why i was not on the comp any more or could not answer the phone. anyways they called my little cousin to come get me, he was drunk and partying with this cute big girl. so we went back to her place and there was a couple that lived their as well and they are getting married today but have only known each other a month so i related my last experience w/them since i was so ready to marry this fake ass ho, that really didnt give a damn about joe.

i guess the dude kinda got salty and my cousin was like dont take no offense my cousin just calls it like he sees it he cant be anything but real and most folk cant whoop him.

anyways we got real drunk and i was doing a whole lot of thinking see i am a hero and role model to so many of my younger family members that i did not even realize. when they look at me they see strength my little cousin told this house full of people that he could have never endured all that i've been through that it would have broke him down and killed him along time ago. i told him no you wouldve made it just like i have.

i guess my point is now i need to deserve all of that respect and honor, because it really is an honor to mean so much to so many. the fact that my life struggles, victory's and defeats have had such an impact on my family and they look to me for strength and encouragement

serena called last night she is really worried about me she said joe i know you and that she does second only to my sister i really wish i could love her like i used to but i just can't. i know for a fact that woman will love me with all she has until the day she dies she loved me when i was a junkie, a foofer, a waiter, a dope cook, wife beater, convict, fugitive, killer.her love never waivered and really her faith in me never did either she saw past all of the hurt and pain and anger in my eyes. she saw the love in me that i did not even know i had at that time.and slowly she chipped all of the stone away from my heart and it started to beat and i for the first time felt love.

but i was so young and stupid and i destroyed what we could have had you know in the year and a half we have been apart she has only been on one date not cause she could not get one just cause she knows they are not me that is love

my sister says you only find that kind of love once in a life time but i dont believe that i have just not been ready for it and one day i will be

amanda has a date tonight good for her but that just shows she never cared and never will

just woke up

so i just woke up i slept almost all day just me and dollar she is just like hercules let me tell you so i read amanda's journal how fucking lame so she is taking adam on her vacation and if i'm not mistaken that is the guy she was talking to the first time i was at the bus station so all in all she is a lying whore, big suprise, not really to tell you the truth i expected it, i  kind of knew when she threw me out there was someone else involved, she kept saying she wasn't talking to any other guy's but you know whores are full of lies

all by myself

well amanda starts her vacation today and in two weeks she will go back to the same life she has lived for about 2 years or maybe her new life will resemble the life she lived with that dead beat that doesnt deserve to be a dad but none of that is my problem and if it were not for those boys it wouldn't even bother me a little bit.

so enough about a  cyber whores life

so i have been doing a whole lot of fucking up since i came home my life resembles the one i ran away from guess that was the problem i ran away from it to california to a fake ass bitch and when her true colors were shown and i was forced to come home my new life bumped heads with my old life.

my partner tried to kill me because he was way to spun and i told him that i didnt have the heart for that life anymore i just came to the city to find a job no robberies or GTA'S. i told him it didn't excite me anymore and really i dont like getting high anymore. i'm to old for this shit and to good for it as well that night i wound up wet tired and no where to go until a crack whore gave me a place to stay so i smoked crack all night with her she just kept leaving and coming back with rocks guess she was sucking dick for it

then this week i went to get this job at burns construction and got off at the wrong bus stop, i went like 4 or 5 miles to far and had to walk it back in the rain so by the time i got there i was soaking wet tired and hungry. i filled out the app and called my old partners old lady he's in the joint but i've given her money weed dope rides places to stay you know just looked out so any ways she needed a hot water heater so i went to get her one when i got back i called dustin and found out he was almost home ,so i asked anne if i could crash there she said no i couldn't fucking believe it so jack gave me a ride to ma's and then saudia's when i got to saudia's she was on the couch and she had this infection under her arm like a big boil she was in a lot of pain so i helped her get her house cleaned up cause her friend shelonda was coming over

when she got there i opened the door and she said damn you look different, better i mean you always looked good but now much better i said thanks and toldher about my trip my loss how i had been clean and now i was fucking high then she asked me to get her some shit i said no not cause i didnt want to cause i did i just knew i had already fucked up and needed some sleep and to go home sober.

i got something that needs to be said this little immature girl told me to tell my fat country sister to shut her stupid ass up or some dumbass shit let me tell you something my sister has more woman in her pinky than you have in your whole family. yeah she was young and stupid once the reason you two clash is because quite frankly you still are, you know a little young and stupid cause while your talking shit about my sister sitting in your GOVT reduced income apt's known as the mohawks my sister and her husband are buying their home and their land and not some lil lot 14 acres you know how much land that is dumbass you could put the mohawks on their land 2 or 3 times and still build a house.

my sister can say what she wants to who she wants when she wants and if anyone has a problem with that she has a good man and a good brother than can make problems go away my sister has always been there for me and always will fake ass bitches like you are a dime a dozen real bitches, riders like my lil sister they come few and far in between i had one i was just to young and stupid to realize it cause no matter what she was a fucking rider i couldn't count the times i laid in her arms so close to death or when i was getting shot at and told her to leave she just parked behind a van and waited she litterally dressed  me and drug me to the car to go to the hospital when i had pnemonia she didn't call anyone for help she never left me in the car drunk i always woke up in our bed no matter where i finally fell out, and when at times i was finally to much to bear and she would leave she would always call my mom or sister just to find how i was doing hell she still does, thats not crazy, or stalking that is love

i sent amanda a my space comment once that said if you cant love me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best and it made her mad i guess because she couldn't even love me at my best

but even though i fucked up and got spun i kept sitting there thinking fuck i'm stupid 6 months clean and i'm fucking high so here is what joe is gonna do, by my birthday i will have city water, a ceptic tank and electric on lot one and i may even already have a trailor moved on it but we will see.

when i got out of prison i set a few goals and accomplished them quicker than i even imagined that i could see when most people say i cant do that i say how can i, then i do it

amanda used to always ask me are you sure you can do that or how are you gonna do that. she wanted me to tell the only person in the world that has never needed to ask me how or why, she just knew i would no matter how impossible it looked or seemed to everyone else my sister just knew i could do it.that faith and belief in me has made me three times the man i ever could have been without her so amanda why don't you shout your loud fat ass mouth in your govt apt sucking on your mamma's tit

some one once that all i wanted was the easy life yet i've been walking in the rain to find a job and i didn't call my momma for lunch and gas money

blah blah blah back to my life so i have decided to go back to school a teacher talked me out of doing what i should be doing or at least should be striving to do,but my sister and God has put me back on the right track. i am gonna be a youth and young adult drug counselor. slowly but surely i'll take care of my warrants one by one, and then i will get my licence the whole time going to school and working but on breaks from school it's all about me a motorcycle and the open road.

for the doubters and haters let me tell you how, i'll own my home, what was it she used to say he's gonna move me to a run down trailor shack or some shit like that.No i'll have a completley remodeled ,restructered trailor home 3 bed,2 bath, big kitchen, oh and a fire place, bought and paid for, utilities ha electric and water, pay my sister a little extra each month for the land payment for the school breaks and motorcycle rides and stack cash for the trip

are you one of those people who say it can't be done or at least think it can't be done by me. cool just get the fuck out of my way and watch me

aint that some shit

so ever since amanda cold heartedly kicked me out i still have been calling her almost daily , just so that she does not forget that there is a broken hearted country boy MISSING HER EVERY DAY and i get in last night and read amanda's journal and it basically saud that she thought my calls were over with and then last night i started again all i wanna know is what are you lying about. either you lied every time that you told me that you loved me or your lying now when you say u wish i would stop calling and that you are moving on so wich is it did you just not ever really love me or is this killing you to.The sad thing is i dont have to ask that question i know the answer to it, and to be honest it hurts a whole lot.well amandas vacation is coming up and there is this little piece of me that believes in fairy tales and happy endings holding out to see.but the realistic part of me knows that she is not coming and that it is really over .but the child in me still wants to believe.what is sad is she is nitt picking my insecurities that she knew i had when i got on that bus,and yes that is a character flaw. it is just i cant help but wonder where she is gonna find this dream guy that does everything else that i did for her plus love her like i do and love her boys like their own like i do.see the problem is that is impossible because no one will ever love her like i do and no other man will love those boys like i love them, and then just being realistic very few guys even think about helping their ladies around the house much less do it after 10 to 12 hours in the sun even if amanda had been off that day i still helped so really good luck on that who knows you may find it

amanda i love you more than you could ever possibly know i used to just lay there and watch you sleep a nd listen to your lil snores and think damn i am the luckiest man alive. now i lie awake longing to hold you and to hear you breathe next to me i still wake up every morning expecting you to be there and you arent i start every day with a freshly broken heart

well my beautiful angel eyes i guess as much as this kills me you have left me no choice but to say good bye.

if you would please tell the boys i love and miss them dearly and they are still more than welcome to call me if they want because even tho you didn't i had forever in mind and even tho i am saying good bye i still see you as my wife in my future that may be just one more dissapointment that i still have coming but it is how i feel and what i see

 i dont know what happened if you got scared or what but i really think that you know you want me  back

mentally emotionally and physicaly exahausted

well amanda takes her vacation in less than one week and i cant help but to wonder how we went from us taking a vacation so she could see where i came from and meet my family and then living happily ever after.

it suprises me how easy it is for her, she used to lay her head on my chest and tell me she didnt know what she would do without me. I felt like she really needed  me and appreciated me, i really thought for the most part that she was happy i was happy and i thought we were happy.

come to find out it had really been building up and instead of trying to talk about it all and making it work or at least trying she just threw me away.

on the way home i fucked up pretty bad i let some bar tramp suck my dick, i sold the jewlery that i had bought her for mothers day.

i told her about the jewlery and i thought that we were gonna work on our problems and try , but the night that i got home amanda told me that she started her monthly so she wasnt pregnant and that she thought we should go our seperate ways, so i told her about the bar tramp to hurt her and then the other night after my partner tried to kill me i called her and she didnt sound happy that i was alive or like she even cared at all, sometimes i really wonder if she ever really loved me or was she just trying to but couldnt so she made me leave then got scared that she may have been pregnant so she started talking to me until she found out that she was not pregnant because that is when she got so cold and indifferent.

i dont care what she believes i did not fuck saudia or any one else and i dont really care to all i can think of is how could i have stopped this from happening and what can i do to get her back. i wanted to make her a country boys wife and raise her to wonderful sons as my own teach them all i could and give them all i could a life that they deserve

i just cant seem to accept the fact that she really is through, that she is ready to just move on and forget she ever knew me or loved me if she ever really did i used to believe that she did but now i just dont know

my sister and dustin told me that i could move a trailor on to lot one, i guess to give me something to work for something to achieve or accomplish and i really do appreciate it and im gonna get a job and get a water meter and electric out there and then move a cheap trailor out there and totally remodel it on the inside and out.

at the same time i'm gonna buy a motorcycle and fix both of  my trucks, i'm gonna put money back so that when i get everything set up a home to come back to and reliable transportation. i'm gonna hop on my bike with a couple thousand dollars a back pack and a tent and see whats out there. before i come tie myself down again i'm gonna find me again this me the me you see in the big pictures so sure and confident, very independant and self assured

i do love amanda and the life we couldve shared together and there is a small part of me hanging on to the hope that amanda will realize that she loves and misses me before i take off  on a bike headed to no where i miss her and  her boy very badly and wish every day that i was still there with them

it's been a real long 2 weeks

in the last 2 weeks i have become a grandfather,ex-boyfriend ,hitchhiker, husteler, criminal, and a fugitive. one of my good friends tried to kill me,and then i walked like 6 miles in the rain. i called amanda but she did not care in the least.a homeless guy living in his car finally picked me up and gave me a ride to the laundry mat in the aptartments michelle and i stayed in when i first met her.while walking to get change for my clothes i ran into this bitch that put me up in a place to stay for the night. i didnt get any sleep cause of the life she was living but at least i wasnt in the rain right, the next morning i walked to saudia's but i guess she was sleeping still, so i walked the two miles back to where i was to smoke a joint and then walked back to saudias i waited outside for her to get home except when i was using her mothers phone downstairs. when she got there i used her phone to call amanda but she was still being cold nothing new i guess i shouldve expected it from her out of anger i told her i was gonna fuck saudia i didnt but now she doesnt believe me.

then all week end long i have been doing a roof i forgot how hard that shit is and when i talked to amanda she told me that all i wanted was the easy life after i had been on a roof for twelve hours, yeah real easy life bet she couldnt do it.

there has been no part of my life that was easy but i dont complain i just keep going no matter what comes my way amanda told me i needed to grow up i have been pretty well on my own since i was sixteen my mom and sister has helped me quite a bit most of wich i did not ask for i was locked up as a kid sent to prison as an adult lived in several states and cities raised three kids and im a grampa im sure ive got some growing up to do but not nearly as much as her still yet i thought we could grow up together and grow old together.

i saw michelle today and thought it would be hard but it really wasnt that spark tried to spark but was flushed out with bad memories of how badly she broke my heart

then all i could think of was amanda,johnothan and jerimiah but it does not appear as though she thinks of me. i wonder if the boys do and how they are doing if they know how much i love and miss them i want to call and talk to them but i dont want to make things worse for them

when i told my sister that i really didnt feel any thing when i saw michelle she said at least that girl had love for u she may have been a whore but she did really have love for you and i dont think amanda ever did

if it sounds to good to be true it probably is

well Amanda kicked me out a week ago Saturday and Pete came and picked me up in a semi. i spent several days working in Arizona all heartbroken and even though my oldest son and my brother was there i still felt all alone. when we got to phoenix i met a guy and 2 girls at the truck stop they took me to the bar and bought me several long island iced teas and 3 packs of smokes any ways a couple hours into the night one of the girls invited me into the woman's restroom for a blow job, maybe i should have said no but i did not i went in the restroom with her and she started giving me head she wanted me to fuck her but i said no so she finished sucking me off even swallowed then she bought me another drink and left. i had been calling Amanda for 2 days and she would not answer the phone but for some reason i called her she answered the phone she yelled at me then hung up as soon as i heard her voice i wanted to cry for what i had done in the bathroom only 20 minutes before but i was single and that was by her choice. i called the next morning and she would not answer i called her daily only to have my heartbroken time and time again.then Saturday she said that she did love and miss me and all of my pain went away but i was left with the shame  of feeling like i cheated on her. we wee even talking about getting back together but i told her she would have to come and get me if that was going to happen.when she realized i was serious she got an attitude and hung up on me but i called her yesterday morning and things seemed better i even thought she was seriously thinking about coming to get me and so did my mom but leave it to my lil sister to be right i even was willing to bet my butt hole on the fact that she was coming I'm glad no one took that bet, cause i was dead wrong when i got back to my sisters Amanda was on line and never tried to call when i got on line she told me tha we needed to talk she said that she started and that we should go our separate ways. i think i may have been in shock i really could not believe it, I'm not even sure if believe it now i wrote her some really awful things that i really don't mean but none of that even matters now, so to amanda goodbye and thank you for the memories that i will do my best to forget and i hope you do find the guy that is right for you if not for any other reason but for the boys sake

what is worse i had a woman that really loved me once and she still does she will never get over me and she has still not been with any one else and we have been separated for a year and a half, and the truth is i was not half of the man for her as i was for Amanda or Michelle. i was young and stupid i beat her, i cheated on her i called her horrible names and i stayed strung out on dope and through it all she loved me with everything she had and still does i can never be in love with her again i tried when Michelle left, but i would literally kill to meet a girl around my age who could have my kids and who could love me the way that she did and still does but honestly i have all but given up on that

these cops dont play

so i go to this breakfast with johnothan and then i watch him play for a minute before i decided to walk to the park where Amanda was with miah. i didn't realize how far away the park was when i had this  bright idea. so i get to the park and Amanda is already gone so i start walking home when a cop stops me and asks me if i had been trying to steal cars or  trying to get in to one. i told him no that i had been to a fathers day breakfast with my girlfriends son and i was trying to catch her and her youngest at the park, while i am telling him all of this he is running my name for outstanding warrants. my name comes back clean and he gives me my knife and wallet back and i start walking home again when another cop pulls up and tells me to stop that i have to go with him while he finger printed the car.now I'm really starting to get pissed because i know Amanda is either worried or mad or both the whole deal took like an hour and a half the cop told me when he was done that i was free to walk home i told him hell no your taking me home and your telling my girlfriend where the fuck i have been all fucking day, so at least he was kind enough to do that

 

fathers day breakfast

so i took today off because Johnathon is having a fathers day breakfast at school and there was no way that i was gonna let him go with out a father figure, the sad thing is that his dad will probably be there with one of his other kids.

I can't understand for the life of me how men can do that shit take care of one or two of their kids and abandoned the other ones like they do not matter or exist.

all i know is he is a great kid that has not  deserved to be hurt the way that he has been and i will do every thing that i can to fill that void in his life

one night we were having a get together and one of the guys here said that he could never be with a woman who already had kids cause he was not going to raise someone else's kid but every kid needs and deserves a mother and a father and the sad truth is very few kids anymore have both

i raised 3 kids for 8 years and as far as i am concerned those are my kids, flesh and blood .cause i would sacrifice my own flesh and blood to save theirs, no it is not easy being a step parent in fact it is probably 3 times harder than actually being their parent. cause if something goes wrong the person you were with can take the kids and legally you have no rights there is nothing you can do about it or the heard so often" your not even my real dad{or mom}" and kids never realize that they are exactly right your not their real parent that didn't want to be there for them you are the person that is there day in and day out leaving never once crossing your mind your only concern is their happiness and well being and it can be very hard at times not to just give up.

but now 8 years later all the hurtful words and all the nights wondering if they would ever even understand how much you love them and how much you had sacrificed for them has paid off in the form of my oldest son Dan he is such a good boy and every day i think about how proud of him i am he does not know it but i brag on him every chance i get

nothing to say

so i guess that my dad read my journal and he had nothing to say nor did he send me an e mail or call me or anything. tonight i had Amanda send him the first 8 pages of my book describing my abuse in detention center and my constant war on the pain that his and his wife's actions have caused me.

im not bitter or angry i have lived the life that God needed me to live to learn what i have learned and experienced the things i have experienced so that i would be the person he has called me to be

I hope the two of you make it

so on the way home from work Dave Amanda's step dad told me that he really hoped that Amanda and I make it.That meant a great deal to me not just because he has taken on the role of her father but because i really respect him as a man and a person.

I told him that I really hoped that we could make it as well, but that I have kind of felt like I was walking on egg shells since she came and got me from the bus station, don't get me wrong things have been great since then and I honestly think that even if she won't admit it Amanda also realized had much she had to lose.She is to strong and in dependant to ever admit that but I honestly do think that she felt it.

On another note all together I have decided to send my father a link to my journal. I am a little anxious and worried, because no matter what I have been through the last thing that I want to do is hurt my dad he has been depressed for years and I think that he gave up a long time ago, and I don't want to be that one thing that is to much for him to take or bear I want him to know that even after all I have been through I still love him and I forgave him a long long time ago.

I just know that it will take a real heavy load off of my shoulder and mind and maybe it will even allow him to forgive himself

i'm sorry daddy but i'm cleaning out my closet

so I don't want to hurt my dad I have no choice anytime i start to think about father hood or i talk about my dad or someone asks where my family is blah blah blah i start to think about how much he has hurt me .nothing can be said or done to change what has already happened.all i want is for him to admit that he was wrong and truly apologize from the very bottom of his heart and mean it. I need to hear him say he is sorry for what he has put me through and for not helping me when he could, and it would be nice if he could tell me that he is proud of the way i turned out after all I've been through tell me that it makes him proud to know that through it all i managed to somehow hold my head up high and never give up. he could tell me that he is proud of how i raised three kids that were almost my own age and even though i made plenty of mistakes i managed to teach them trust and respect and honesty.i don't really know exactly what i need all i know is that i need something

so we went to white water

so we went to eat Chinese and then went to white water we really had a great time Amanda and I caught tadpoles while the boys played in the mini white water rapids.

seeing the boys smile so big is the greatest feeling in the world and Amanda as well

I came here to make her a country boys wife and there is no doubt in my mind that I will do just that

i cant pay for his decisions anymore

so for almost half of my life i have had to pay for not only my wrong decisions but those of my father.In fact most of my bad decisions can be directly related to my father and his decision to choose a woman and a motorcycle over me. Now my sister and my mom think that i should not tell him how i feel or that he has to make the right decision for once and admit his wrongs or not be a part of my life

I have made a lot of bad decisions that have hurt quite a few people but everyone of those people close to me have at least gotten the closure and respect they have deserved by hearing me acknowledging my wrongs and sincerely apologizing for them and i to deserve at least that.

now don't get me wrong, I love my dad and have come to accept the fact that he is a coward and has given up. I just can't keep living like this and carrying around this guiltless shame.It is not the fact that he abandoned me when i was young and scared and needed him most, or the fact that i don't get birthday or Christmas presents or even the fact that i cant call his home phone or go to his house he has never even apologized to me or stood up to his wife for me except once and that one time was at my grandmothers funeral

all i want is for him to act like a father

i love waking up with them

I love waking up on my days off and getting my quiet time and letting my baby get some extra sleep.just hanging out with our boys, today we are going to white water and then the movies and lunch at the panda express.

I am a real addictive person and i had almost gotten so addicted to work and making money that i was getting nerve and tense. I did not realize how much we all needed these days off to spend together just enjoying life and being a family

issues

so i am not quite sure what to do about my father. i do love him but i can no longer be his scape goat or second to a ruthless cold bitch that destroyed my life and his for that matter he is so unhappy and i know the things that i have to say to him are going to hurt him but that is not my fault and i promise there is nothing that i could ever say to him or do to him that could ever come close to the pain that him and his wife has caused me.i was not a bad child i did not do well in school but i did my chores and babysat the kids polished his Harley helped him change brakes.and even though i was constantly kicked out of school i was at church every Sunday and Wednesday and volunteered remodeling old night clubs into Christian youth clubs.

okay new subject my insecurities and doubts are eating me alive, maybe it is because every time i get shit going for me and buy a home or start buying land something always happens and i lose everything and i have not had very good  experiences in relationships.

i love Amanda and i honestly don't believe that Amanda would cheat on me, but i also did not believe that she could be as cold to me as she was the night she kicked me out or the next morning when i came to wake her up, i had to see her but she had no desire to see me.

blah blah blah enough whining I'm going to bed