so i got my apt yesterday its small as hell but i had to move by the first im still tryingto buy these 2 houses, one for myself and one for my lil sister for hergraduation gift i feel so much better th last couple of days but this weekend will be hard cause its jays birthday rest in peace brother. i hav been talking to jennnifer a lot the girl in myrtle beach i thnk shes something else

not enough sleep

i was in bed by 9 o'clock but i tossed and turned all night i dont feel like i got near enough sleep, but now i have to be up for work and i feel exhausted physically mentally and emotionally. i just want to curl back up and go back to bed but i cannot. i owe i owe so off to work i go

I am your constant companion.I am your greatest asset or heaviest burden.I will push you up to success or down to disappointment.I am at your command.Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me,For I can do them quickly, correctly, and profitably.I am easily managed, just be firm with me.Those who are great, I have made great.Those who are failures, I have made failures.I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of amachine and the intelligence of a person.You can run me for profit, or you can run me for ruin.Show me how you want it done. Educate me. Train me.Lead me. Reward me.And I will then...do it automatically.I am your servant.Who am I?I am a habit.


The author of the above is unknown, but the words are right on target. If you make good habits, they in turn will make you. But like the weeds in the garden, bad habits can take over your life. Make a decision today to pull those weeds.

cant figure it out

how can i sometimes be so full of love and life, and other times like now all i can do is cry. why cant i just bury the past. why do memories have to last and last. and i have plenty of good ones why dont they come to mind, instead of this nightmare buried inside. will i ever be able to just enjoy life, and not ever have to worry about crumbling inside. i can be having a perfect day and then out of nowhere a single thought can shatter my day. a conversation about my dad or watching a young boy and his dad. talking to a single mom whos ex has nothing to do with their child can all just send me back to that shower where i was fighting for my life, or that cell where i was all alone beaten and cold, i know its sad a grown man feeling like that scared lil boy all over again but when it hits me there i am that lil boy and i dont know what to do. when i was younger it was get high and fight or a long line of one night stands, all sorts of things but nothing ever truly makes those feelings go away, meth deadens the pain until i start to come down then i have to use again i can be clean for 6 months and out of no where those thoughts and feelings start eating at me and i fight and i fight then the suicidal thoughts start to overwhelm me and thats when i normally use i just want to know that one day ill be able to stop those thoughts from destroying me but so far they still do

suicidal thoughts

when everyone is enjoying holiday cheer, that is the time i most want to disappear suicidal thoughts invade my brain, so much anguish, to much pain. i fight my feelings the best i can, when i run out of fight there i am again. at the local dope house self medicate, because this pain I can not take. no my lifes not a party i dont get high to have a good time, i just want these memories out of my mind. i try to stay focused keep my eye on the ball, but everytime i stumble, every time i fall. i keep picking myself up and only God knows why, because personally i feel like im all out of tries.

when your best just isnt good enough

when your best isnt good enough and no one understands, they say just forget about it move on and be a man. but they were at home in their cozy beds while my life was being stripped away, one thrust at a time. and for 15 years now no matter how high i get i cant erase the memories from my mind. they say ive made no progress but to that i disagree. because no matter how broke ive been i still havent made meth to make it. i wish that i were stronger, but how strong can one man be, i didnt ask to be a big brother, but ive tried to be the best one that i can be, im sorry that im not stronger and i really wish this could be about everyone else but quite frankly it is not, i know i need to be a better role model for rachel and mary and for dylan and jeremy and christopher, and all i can tell them is enjoy being young stay in school and stay away from drugs, cause i dont really remember being young. i mean kinda i remember hunting and good times then i remember my parents splitting up and although there were good times after that most of those are few and far between the times i was passed back and forth and then the berry house then drugs then highpointe and yes excuses are like assholes and to be honest ive never really tried to make excuses for it i get through each day the best i can and im sorry that through the holidays my family suffers but i promise you this i dont think the pain they know through the holidays match mine maybe it does and i wasnt to high to come in and visit i tried to come in and visit and mom was going off but i did get high through the holidays so yes another broken promise from a brknheartedman i always try to do better and honestly i cant even figure out why but im cold and tired and done crying for the day

READY TO GIVE UP

well anyone who knows me knows im not a quitter maybe that is why addiction has always kicked my ass. lol but no really i think im at the end of my rope, ive been busting my ass this last year with work and school but for why my felonies are all still there i cant get a drivers licence i still dont have a good job. my world seems to be crumbling around me and i dont know what to do i have to move by the first and I dont know where to cause i still havent found a place i could move back to my land but that would make me feel like a coward cause i ran again. i have to beat my addiction here and i dont want to leave rachel. and the truth is i am scared im scared of moving cause i know me and i know that i fuck up i try to make fast money i fuck up and get high. i just dont know what to fucken do and i have a short time to figure it out. well im gonna get off of here and try to figure some shit out

a new year

as we aproach the newly coming year i cant help but wonder what lies ahead. i know the potential that i have and all that i am capable of. i am just scared of not knowing how to act. sometimes like at church when i slip up and curse or when i relapse or i am confrontd in a situation and i dont know how i am supposed to act. i know what i would have done or what i want to do. when i cant pay my bills, i know what i want to do, i know whee my mind always goes first selling dope and robbing folk. sand i cant even say i go to it because it works, cause it normally still leaves me flat on my face. its just what i know the bad boy that doesnt give a fuck hurts a lot less than someone who does and is trying but cant quite seem to get it so no matter how hard i try or how far i come or how far i continue to go. when i fall short, when i dont measure up, it kinda defeats all the times i did measure up, it kinda reminds me that im not superman.. i cant fly or stop bullets. i do not have x ray vision or any other supr power. for that matter i come from a lower middle class broken home. i live from paycheck to paycheck and several times this year i thought i was gonna lose it all. but somehow i keep making it. but now at the first of the year im leaving my safety net. my home base, my reality check it has been embarassing living behind my mom in an rv for the last year but u know what it has for th most part kept me clean and sobr and when i hav relkapsed i always havee to come home to mommas house but before long ill judt be comming home to me well and robert i asked him to be my roomate caus hes my lil sober living buddy wll its almost time to go so merry christmas and happy new year may this one be filled with joy, hope, and love but most of all sobriety and success at school and in finding a job in my profession that im going to colleege for.

so i met this girl on line and i like her alot but she lives in myrtle beach south carolinathats a long way away from me i told her i would come get her at the first of the year if she wanted to move down here we havent worked all week so im gonna have to spend my moving money on my truck payment this week but ill figure it out i always do somehow thats how we do it where im fromwell i havent got to talk to my sweet heart today i misss her

surely it has to get easier sometime, with addiction, finances, fines, being so lonely, when does a person get to enjoy life there hasnt been much joy to my life here lately, to be honest it has been all i could do to just keep going i know its pathetic but it is what it is

staying sober

staying sober this time of year is always so hard for me,not like the rest of the year is easy. but this time of year is when i remember the most. when i hurt the most when i escape the most it used to be from early november thru january but with jays death on september 11 now it starts a lil bit early. i owe my mom and sisters at least a better attempt then what i have been giving it. well i have to go peace

a break

tonight was my last final of the semester finally a little break now if i could just get one financially and emotionally and spiritually i would be all set well im at least thankful for what ive got and that is a lil break

well i was inducted into phi theta kappa an honor society at school, but i have been fucking up a whole lot here lately, and really i am scared to death of not making, but i have to, i cant have come this far to not finish it. I have done so well this last year in school and the truth is I did that by only half assing it. I didnt have to put out no where near my best efforts at any time in my college experience thus far. but my boss sent me a text this evening saying that he didnt think that he needed me tomorrow and that we would talk about thursday tomorrow sometime. I can not afford to be unemployed, i just overvcame, let me re phrase that God just pulled me through one financial situation that had i not of figured something out it was the one that was gonna break me, now this. I try not to let all of the pressure build up. I try not to dwell in the past, i try not to get high on meth, but honestly all im ever doing is trying and i try try try, to normally say why why why. i guess im really to chicken shit to pull all of myself into something because if i do that and fail, well i know something that at one time was all i knew, and if i fail after giving it everything ive got im afraid of where i might go or how i might act, simply because im a jack ass, i like fast cars i like fast women and at one time i loved fast money and drugs. i gave that life all i had. and it was all i knew, and now with the life that i am trying to live sometimes i feel lost, like i dont know how to act or maybe that i know how im supposed to act but im not ready to any ways wah wah wah blah blah blah the balls in my court my hands and its up to me no one to blame if i fail no but or because its do or die sink or swim and ill either make it or i wont but relapses short comings failures and all im gonna fail trying if i fail and if i do make it it well damn sure be because i fought tooth and nail for it cause i have and its not much. just a little reputation, but i know that i have always known where i stood and always knew where i was standing when the smoke cleared , and that is by the people i loved and i am so thankful for all of the many times i have failed and they have still stood beside me.