damn i must have been tired

well i didnt get anything done yesterday except to finally get some much needed rest now i'm up doing laundry before i take my durango to the shop and then go to work

on another note i'm the luckiest man alive because i'm such a fuck up a habitual line stepper but i am trying and my mistakes are getting fewer and fewer but i thank God every day for my family because without them i wouldnt stand half a chance at ever being sober or responsible

i think i have finally rid myself of the phony phony falsified friends that  have put before myself time and time again i've tried to be a better me and still be their friends but the truth is i am weak and there are parts of that life and that me that i miss and so i can not be around anyone that knows that me and this me and wants that me because they do not care about me

a so called friend of mine told me that a girl i had taken out in san fran was to good for me and it hit me she doesn't know me or where i'm trying to take my life she doesn't think very highly of me

any ways for those who love and know Joe watch me shine watch me glow

worn out

so i must be more worn out than i thought i've had a real bad head cold but no time to rest i got off work early today so i came home i thought that i would take a nap and then do some laundry but i slept until 8 pm and when i'm done here i'm going back to bed

a lot has went on but i just really dont feel like writing

i got it honest

well i have not had much time to write in my journal because i have to many bills to pay and i am doing my damnest to not break the law i tell you it is real hard some times when your overdrawn and you have bills to pay but i serve a mighty mighty God who is more than capable of providing a way.

my puppy dog smoke is getting big i love her so much when i'm driving home i can not wait to get there so we can play

better today

well i didnt do anything yesterday i felt like shit and spent most of the day on the couch trying not to vomit i'm waiting for my sister to get home from taking my nephews to school so i can go make some money work is real slow right now and i cant afford it so i'm trying to make up the difference

some times it feels like thats all i've ever done is make up the difference but the difference is now i'm not breaking the law to do so and it is a lot harder to do so

but i believe in fairy tales my faith and hope levels are high and i know i'm gonna make it

i'll never see him again

i cant believe i'll never hear my partner squeal up outside or have him call me at 3 am and need me right then i'll never see his smile again it still seems un real that i have lost my friend.

i was getting ready to go scrap some metal and pulled up my myspace page and there was jay's slide show and as i watched my heart yearned to hear him laugh or to hear him say dont act like a scary bitch

but thats not why i cry these tears i cry these tears because the world will never see jason the way a few of us knew him so loving and giving

most of the people who claim to be his friends never knew him they never saw him cry cause he felt like he was letting his parents down

jay was one of the most talented artist i've ever met and smart as anyone i know but he couldnt bring himself to believe in him

jay was as bright as any star when he was happy he would do anything for a friend and brother i miss the hell out of you

feels like winter

it was like 36 degrees this morning and has been fucking cold all day work has been slow i only got like 25 hours last week and this week is worse

i should be out side scrapping metal but instead i'm talking to amanda and i'm not really sure why she has made it clear that she is done and has been done and all she does is talk shit i'm talking to her now and she is talking shit

well it's about time to get some work done

so heres whats going on

so i told duvacha and i didnt talk to her yesterday or the day before i texted her the night before last she never responded so it's whatever.

amanda was on line yesterday  so i hit her up we talked a while and today she wouldn't answer or call back thats parr for course.

works been slow since we've been back but i've got side jobs so the Good Lord has been providing life is good i got a puppy a durango and land . i'm clean and sober and i feel great

more of me

walking down the streets, just another lonely town

walking by myself couples in love all around

all these lovely ladies, adoring eyes for their man

sometimes it's almost more than this lonley countryboy can stand

couple after couple walking hand in hand always breaks the heart of this

               BROKEN HEARTED MAN

my writings

isolated, withdrawn, utterly alone my only relief my families voice on the phone

i kick it in crowds but real friends i have few lets take a count

nonie and d i count 2 one my sister 2 the man by her side

so if we can't count family i guess i'm a friendless guy

 

to johnathon and jerimiah

I'm sorry that i can not be there to say our prayers and tuck you in at night

I'm sorry that before you go to school I am unable to say goodbye

I'm sorry that I am not there to teach you how to be young men

I'm sorry I'm not your father but in me you have a friend

so i fucked up again`

so i fucked up again in all kinds of ways so lets take a look at my latest bunch of mistakes

    betraying the trust of my family buy getting high again and that is bad but what is worse is that my brother told every one that i would be fine but i was getting high

then my ex wife comes back into town and she came home with me

but see i have a girlfriend in san francisco i haven't known her long and we only had a week to get to know each other in person but i really do like her and now i have betrayed her trust

Duvacha if you read this before i tell you know that i am so so sorry i really do like you please dont hate me 

a lovely lady

so i met this lovely woman in san francisco not only is she extremely beautiful but she conducts herself as a lady and she is very strong in her walk with Christ

my only regret is not having more time to spend with her it was refreshing to enjoy the company of a sophisticated young woman a young strong christian woman.

we talk and text i just miss her real bad i cant wait for her to come and visit

a tribute

people come and people go but soldiers live forever babies are born and grown men die

and on both occasions people cry

some people are real while others are fake but my memories of you no one can take

the times we laughed the times we cried the times we prayed Lord just let us get out alive

now i no longer have you in the flesh but i'll remember you always until death

i called him soldier

i called him soldier my partner in crime men like me and him well were one of a kind  there is no substitute we can not be replaced i still remember the last smile i saw on your face i'll never forget you the good and bad times we shared

or the dumb shit we did like we didnt even care i'll wear a piece of you

on my right arm for the rest of my life and i still feel you standing

on my right side when i have to fight

my silent soldier death in the air

i lost my soldier

while i was gone i lost one ofe my best friends he was like a brother to me he was a soldier he loved animals and kids and the homeless he will never be forgotten by those who truly knew him for who he was

the last time i saw jay we had words he wanted to fight but i never thought that i would never get to see him again i love you brother

so i'm back home

so i finally made it back from california i was at the fishermans wharf san francisco

i filled a spiral note book while i was gone but have decided not to transfer all of it

so my 8 to 10 day trip turned into 3 weeks but i made like 6 thousand dollars while i was gone well i grossed 6 thousand i only got like 4 but any how san francisco is beautiful i met a lot of people one in paticular who will have her own entry space everyone else i'll write about later

oh i bought a 2001 durango with the magnum v8 leather interior it's nice