life

has been crazy dustin and i got in to it and he kicked me out so i have been staying with candy she wants to be with me or maybe she just wants to be with someone either way im just not mushy in love with her i dont feel like she is my fairy tale i wish she could be that would be great for me but im not feeling it but at the same time i dont want to leave

shes on her way

so i was trying to nap and lacey called and said she was headed to tecumseh to check on this job so i asked if she was coming by she said yes she had something to show me. i have no idea what it could be but i will just be happy to see her, well i say that sometimes when we are together i dont know what to think or how to act i guess there are just so many sides to me and i already showed her one side she was not to impressed with so now sometimes i have a hard time just being me any numbers of me lol that almost makes me sound crazy but in my life i have related it back to the Scripture " I can be all things in Christ who created me" and I am all things, and at the same time I am nothing nothing more than his creation but being in his creation I can be anything i have to be when i need to be if that makes any damn sense to u

like a lop i sit and wait

thats isnt gonna call, yet knowing that, i still sit and wait and fight with all the power i have inside of myself not to break down and call her. when i pray its not for things i pray for the virtues of christ, patience, love, kindness, basically my prayer are for unbelievers and restoration of myself, except the occasional prayer that God blss me with the one thing i want so badly and that is a lovely, soldier of a wife, in the words of haystak baby suzy q good with an oven and a oozie too, my only desire is that i have a good wife and a couple of bad kids lol i love saying that becaause one thing i know my kids will be good, raised with love kindness respect and dicipline but most importantly with the love of God but im called to live by faith and i try so damn hard maybe it is im not ready for them yet God know and thats what matters when He is ready, or maybe when im ready he will put everything in place

did she want to see me or just use my computer

so im not sure if lacey came to see me or just use my computer either way i guess it matters not i just had breakfast now im waiting for math class to start. i absolutley love days that i have class, i get here early eat breakfast then do my class thing, i guess im job hunting cause im not playing the games that these tricks i call my bosses are playing the day before yesterday i was mad enough to go knock her teeth down her throat for hanging up on me and i cant work for anyone that makes me that angry cause i get to thinking on things and get angry then i act a fool so blow all that off. one thing i do know is ill make it i always do thats how i do it many thanks be to God for giving me the strength and patience to endure

lacey just left

so lacey just left and man does she drive me crazy, i cant really figure her out at one time well nevermind all that my professor, mentor, and good friend dr. armold told me one time easy does it, and he is so right its just sometimes i have a hard time with easy does it im the rough and tough to the point kinda guy, im learning patience and gentleness as i get older but im still quite rough around the edges

so im waiting for lacey i watched a movie last night that resembled our relationship and i couldnt stop thinking about her anyways she promised she was coming so we will see im not sure im fighting a worthwhile fight or setting myself up for a painful heartbreak but when its all said and done ill know i fought not ran well back to hmework i go cause i do tend to run from that lol

so anyways

i went out with this girl named penny i met from work but i dont think we will ever work out cause she sees drinking as a relapse, i however got drunk as fuck last night. i dont normally drink unto drunkeness but last night i did i dont see me drinking a beer as a relapse. im a rcovering addict from meth not alcohol. and i dont ever see me being an alcoholic. i normally act stupid when i get drunk as do most people, only thing is i dont really like acting stupid or having to apologize and the truth is i normally end up doing both when i drink so thats no good for me.i like penny and i had fun i just see us being friends because we believe so differently on such a big issue, with her being a recovering addict herself i dont want to be the cause of any weak moment for her that is for sure she has 2 years of sobriety, where as i am working on 2 weeks again. not that i have ever really put a date on my sobriety my sponsor says i need to like a birthday for me i try not to think about the last time i used i keep my focus more on the last time i say no and i try to keep that ahead of the last time i use doesnt always work however. maybe i do need to see a doctor maybe i do need some meds i think i just need a good wife and some bad kids lol anyways im up early and not sure why but i do have lots to do today so peace

valentines day

so i guess its gonna be another lonely valentines day for me, on a positive note Amanda sent me her number so here in a couple of hours im gonna run up the road and call her. truth is I have missed hr a great deal and until i met lacey i was wondering if i could ever feel in a romantic way again. i guess i can but lacey surely does not deserve my heart or my love over the last week she has made that quite clear. I guess it's all good while everyone else is out doing the romantic thing i will be here doing my math homework and my open book test for my social problems class, not so romantc but its getting me where im going it's hard to believe that i almost have my associates and this time next year ill be working on my bachelors and if everything goes right hopefully i will be building my home. nothing real big just 3 or 4 bedrooms 2 bath and an office/library oh and a 2 car garage is a must with a de tached shop for me to play in but thats all next year thats why my GPA is so important to me the only way ill be able to do it is if i get all of the scholarships im applying for but the recriuter i talked to said with my GPA that shouldnt be a problem plus i automatically get 500 a semester for being phi thetta kappa so that is a plus well im gonna make some breakfast peace

big surprise

lacey never called last night big sursprise right oh well her loss really, good luck to her a finding another guy like me but i have exhausted my last efforts on her or for her but peace i have to get to class

400

so this is my 400th entry, where has time gone? so many things have happened in theses last 400 entries. So much love, so much joy, so much pain, so much sunshine and so much rain. I have shared my heart and fears with the world since the begining of 2007. I have been asked why so many times why would you want people to know these things about you. I dont write for them i write for me. This is one of my anti drugs. As you can tell by reading, it doesnt always work but it helps not just with my addiction but more so for my depression. People say I should see a doctor or get on medicine. Who knows maybe they are right, but I dont really like doctors, and I dont wanna have to take medicine. I just want to know the happiness I once felt, not so many years ago for such a short time, the happiness that made me know i can do this without drugs or committing crimes to make it. Was it her love for me, my love for her, was it my love for her sons, honestly I can not answer that question. All I know is I had an inner strngth during that time that shined so bright and I was definatly high on her love. but all this is sounding like blah blah blah. I dont know where Lacey and I stand, she is supposed to be calling but whether she actually does or not is another question all together. How did I let myself start to fall after three years of not falling for anybody three years of not caring for anybody and in less than a month this little redneck girl has taken my heart by storm but all i see coming is a really bad heart break. so the real question is why why am I still calling her or waiting for her calls, why dont i just cut it off no call it quits. The answer is Im that guy that believes in the impossible after all my bull shit i still believe in fairy tales im not saying shes mine cause honestly i may have lost my fairy tales in the desert years ago, or maybe she lost hers years ago. maybe we just lost each other or maybe we lost nothing at all who is to really say

the love and support

shown by my science teacher mrs.Rush and my class mate julie as well as others has been phenomenol, thursday before i found out what the desicion was going to be i was totally lost i didnt want to be here and i didnt want to leave i had no idea what i should do, or what i was going to do had the decision not been favorable actually thats a lie i pretty well knew what i would do and it would have made all of my efforts the last 3 years for nothing. but the support i have been given and shown has moved me so much, it just felt good to know they actually cared is was not fake their concern for me was genuine and very moving to me, im still sick as hell and mrs rush told me i could miss if i needed to but i can tell she trully is an advocate and as bad as i feel i will show her the respect that she deserves and will be there, she is a very kind, loving, and understanding woman who makes class fun, but it is much more than that her goal is to truly help people suceed well i have some things to go print so until later god bless

i still feel like shit

so i have been sick for like two weeks now i went to the hospital but i dont have the money to fill my prescriptions now m getting ready to go to class but last week seriously drained me of the joy i used to have on days i went to class now im going wondering what people are gonna think or say and hope the wrong person doesnt say the wrong thing cause im not so sure that i have the temperment to deal with it today oh well off i go on a prayer

the last 6 months has tried my strength more than you could imagine

my whole life has been an obstacle but the last 6 months well actually the last 3 years but we will just deal with the last six months has been extremely tough on me i always feel like im one decision or one mistake away from losing everything i was almost kicked out of school for drug use and my criminal record. yes i have had 2 relapses in the recent past and but i chose a professor from my other college to be my sponsor of course i had not planned on moving when i made that decision but my point is i have never been decietful about who joe powers is I AM THAT MAN if you stay current on this journal u know that is a poem i wrote sometime ago in Yucca valley. Lacey came real close to hurting my heart i sent her a text this morning that said it would probably be best if i forgot i ever met her or started to care about her. once upon a time i would have been fine with just hooking up for sex probably would have eeven been okay with it now except i found i really enjoyed her company which for me is uncommon see i love all people but their are very few i really enjoy being around for any length of time. but as sappy as it may sound when she was around i never wanted her to leave. when she laid in my arms it just felt right. see the other morning i went to see her after work and she began to tell me all of the reason she didnt see us making it my past being one of them. I told her fine that was her desicion i was going home to get some sleep. on the way home she texted me and said that we needed to talk some more that she didnt want it to be like this. i said like what im after more than being friends that fuck and if you dont want more than im gonna have to step back before i get hurt. she acted like she wanted more, then the night before last she tells me that were pretty much through but she has still been texting im to old for games, not that i dont play them well, i have one home girl that tells me she loves my game i always told her girl thats not game thats me
as shitty as my life has been i have never stopped believing in the fairy tale whatever that may mean to you and as long as there is a breath in me i will keep soldier stepping although at times im not even sure why i do so i just do it is what i do i just keep moving forward when i fall down i get up when it rains i shine i dont know what else to do i just pray that someday i will be able to look back and say it was all worth it

so i met laceys dad

he said i looked like i was on drugs or im just real burned up but thats all good i am real burned up but in a good way people think i look like a tweeker cause im so full of life and energy. its not my fault i have been blessed with this flame that burns inside of my soul that keeps me moving and bouncing and jumping around i dont have time for tv id rather study. I hope one day though he will see the love in my eyes for his daughter and know that i would never let harm come to her and that i am dead serious when i say i want to make her part of my life.

yesterday

was the greatest day i have had in a long time, see i made a comment to lacey cause my feelings were hurt cause she was tellling me about this other guy she has been talking to anyways im getting sidetracked so lacey went to the city with my to make my durango payment then we went to see rachel lacey was tired cause she didnt get much sleep the night before and had to work in a nursing home all day so she fell asleep on the way back whn i got her back to her vehicle she didnt feel like she could drive so she slept in my durango outside my job. i kept going and turning it on so she would stay warm and held her when i was slow. when i got off i asked her i she wanted to go to her explorer or come home with me she asked wht i wanted to do and i said i would love to hold u all day. so she came home with me and we held each other all day and made love several times well she says she doesnt make love but i disagree because it sure feels like she is making love all inside of me i just hope that this sexy lil country girl doesnt break my heart i know she is worried that im gonna brake hers but i dont think that could ever happen. im honest and faithful i believe myself to be a damn good man a real bad boy but a good man anyways im off to dream of lacey.