I THINK MY HEART STOPPED

 when amanda told me she loved me, i was in beachelors at the register and my mouth dropped and i couldnt speak. the teller knows me from being in there quite often and was like whats up joe i couldnt even speak, I just got off of the phone with her, but she didnt tell me she loved me this time, I wanted to tell her how much i have missed her and the boys, that I want her to be my wife, but i am not moving back to california, im going in october to visit, but i have 7 acres of land here, a good church and pastor, i just became a sunday school teacher, i am going to be a youth pastor hear but there is not a big youth here. i would like so much for Amanda to come here and be a part of my life, to share our lives together. but i dont want to have sex until i am married, weird coming from me right, but i am serious about being devoted to God I want to just live right in the eyes of God. I want to fulfill what I know He put me here for, and if i do not accomplish it then what have i went through so much shit for, for what reason did i make it through all of that shit to fail, but to succeed there are so many things about myself that I am trying to change, that i have to change. My pastor told me he had the resources to get some sober living homes started, im just not ready, i still smoke pot, and im not gonna be a two sided coin i need to be tranparent every part of my life needs to be able to be seen with out shame or condradiction to that which i teach. If Amanda showed any real interest in coming to Oklahoma it would not take me long to move a trailor to my land and have it remodeled and ready for her and the boys. I dont think that is what she wants I dont know. I know I miss her and the boys I think we could have a good life here. I am half way through my associates in psychology, and then im gonna start on my bachelors degree. all i can do is pray about it, and hope that there is still a spark in her eyes for me when i get there in october i spoke to my pastor about her tonight that is why it was so strange that she told me she loved me tonight. well i got to do some bible study before i call amanda tonight