i hope i get my raise

well i said something to bruce about needing a raise on this check, he said we would talk about it today.it's not that i just want a raise i need one to keep up with the bills that i already have plus get a  place of my own here in el ghetto so we will see

paradise

so one of my earlier entries said i made it to paradise"idiot"

where i had made it was to the dirty ass desert of yucca valley with a mouthy spoiled bitch

but see i was running from myself and that never works, but i still made it back home to paradise and defeated the demons that for so long have haunted me

well maybe not defeated but i'm damn sure fighting them and winning one battle at a time but i was damn sure an idiot for leaving all that i have here, to go to the dirty ass desert

our pond

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my lil creek

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where i think i may build my home

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theres no place like home

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my durango on the edge of my sisters land

home sweet home

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pitts such vicious animals

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so i haven't wrote in a while

so i haven't been writing very much cause i'm staying with my mom to be close to work and sometimes  it's  hard to get time on the computer. plus i have had a staffinfection.

i've been kind of depressed here lately, i can't stop thinking of jay, i miss my soldier more than i could have ever imagined

i spent the weekend at home, it  was good to just  sit back and cuddle my smoke dog

isnt being grown up fun

so i have not got to work all week because of the ice storms and my durango payment is due i have a staffinfection and it is  pretty bad cause i thought it was just a spider bite and tried to squeeze the poison out but all that i succeeded in doing was sending more infection in to my blood stream and now i have been dizzy and nauseous all day

so i thought that i would cry u a river boo hoo hoo i feel better now dont you any ways i'm laying down before i fall down

my boys

so i got to talk to the boys the night before last but i can not seem to get this comp here at the comp lab to work or the one at my moms house cause i have been trying to put the newest pics i have recieved of miah and jonothan from amanda anyways i was so happy and at the same time so sad when i finally got to talk to them miah asked if i was ever going to come home and it broke my heart and now amanda is back to blowing me off but whatever

we are having an ice storm here in oklahoma so i didnt get to work yesterday or today and it is truck payment week but i will figure it out i always do

i think that i am getting ready to go to jays crash site for a moment and think, reflect, and give thanks to God for spareing me even though that seems almost selfish

i loved jay, i love jay like a brother, as sad as this is jays death hit me harder than my nanny's or my grampa's maybe it was cause i felt like it was there time but have such a hard time beleiving that it was jays most of his life was spent in prison he was just given the chance to live again and in some ways i am to blame for destroying that chance the bible says u cant serve 2 masters but for so long i have God be with me

home at last, at least for the week end

so i'm home for the week end it had been 2 weeks since i got to come home and see my sister, brother in law nephews and my smoke dog. i can not wait until i start school i am so EXCITED cause i know i will do really well at both school and my called profession.

i know that it is gonna be a lot of hard work but i am finally ready to tackle it, i've got the support of my family and the blessings and protection of God all mighty

i am enjoying being single but i got a really touching text from duvacha the other night i am ready to settle down but i am scared to death of allowing my self to love again

work work work

so i am up getting ready to get ready for work i have been sick all week but can not afford to miss any work so this week has been hard but this has been one of my best birthday years ever i'm not locked up or strung out, and i am getting ready too start college go me

hang overs suck ass

so mitch took me and kari to the red dog last night and i got wasted, and as always when i go out drinking i am really fucking hungover today. i can not understand how it is legal to drink and illegal to smoke marijuana.drinking and driving is responsible for an enormous amount of deaths each year, drinking causes hangovers and alcohol poisoning.and i dont know why i always drink way to much on the occasions that i do decide to go out to the club but i always do i had a great  time celebrating another year of life lived and a fresh start at a new life doing what i have needed to do for a real long time now but the truth is never reallybelieved that  could do it, i always thought that i would fail or i was not a good nough of a person to help

 

RED DOG BABY

so my birthday is tuesday but mitch is taking me to the red dog tonight to celebrate, it's kinda gonna suck cause i'm breaking up with kari i just dont have time for a steady relationship

i'm just trying to focus on me and my future, someday i'll be ready to find the one woman out there for me when i can give her all that she deserves

SO I AM ENROLLED

so i am enrolled in college i took my compas test today and enrolled in english comp 1 and sociology 101 for the first 8 weeks and english comp 2 and crime and delinquency for my second 8 weeks they are the fast track classes so i only have to go to each class once a week for 4 hours a piece but you have double the home work but it is the only way i could go full time and still work

when the advisor asked what career i wanted i told her adolecent drug counselor or prison drug counselor so she went and made my degree plan for family studies and child development it will be an arts degree but when i go for my B.A i am gonna change my major to more of an adult psychologist, it is a longer method of getting the degree i want  but i have my reasons

any ways when she came back with my degree plan she brought me a generic general studies degree plan as well and was trying to tell me about it, i told her listen lady that is a basic generic degree that kids get when they don't know really what they want but it gets them started to college

i however know exactly what i want to do and i am starting with a handicap, i am a three time convicted felon, so generic degree wont work for mei need a bad ass degree with a 4.0 G.P.A. she said "didn't you tell me you work?" I said "yes, seven days a week". she told me that what i was trying to accomplish was awfully hard. I told her why do you think i waited this wrong, but now i'm ready so we will see all prayers are much appreciated

compas test

so i did my on line financial aid last night and on my lunch break today i have to go down and take my compas test, i'm a little nervous about the whole college thing even though i know i'm gonna do great.

the only thing that sucks is that i am staying in el reno again but i dont talk to anyone out here so that shouldn't be a problem and with work and school hell i shouldn't have time to fuck up you know that old saying is true idle hands are the devils playground

growing up

so mike and i almost finished the roof today so i took the after noon off to enroll in college, but i have to wait 1 to 5 days for a pin before i can do my financial aid, i decided to enroll here at red lands this semester cause of gas prices and time so anyways maybe i'm finally growing up

doing the right thing

so it is really hard to always do the right thing when bills are stacking up judges want their fine money the weather sucks so it's hard to stay busy with side work on the week ends but 'm making it i guess instead of seminole state i'm gonna enroll in red lands oh joy.this town has an evil existence that always seems to drag me back but i have no choice if i want to hold what i've got

mikes a pretty good guy

so any  one who reads on a regular basis knows that my step dad and i have had a fair share of problems, some of them my fault and some of them were his but truly over the years we have both done quite a bit of growing and all bull shit aside i'm not  an  easy kid or step kid to have

not that i was a bad kid, quite the oppisite i'm a pretty good son and brother it has just been my own life choices and a few of my fathers that has  been real hard for everyone in my family to deal and cope with

i have caused a lot of worries and a lot of tears in my life and i thank God for all of the people who have helped me through those times even you mike much love

morning again

well it's morning again another week started in the ghetto i guess i'm gonna at least do my first semester at seminole state and then we can go from there

that will  at least make sure that i get to sleep with my puppy twice a week

and see my rowdy lil country boys, my d, and my sister/mom lol

feels good to be home

so i have been at my moms for a week to save on gas plus saying at my moms beats driving 2 hours to work then 2 hours home

my smoke dog has grown so much she is definatly my pretty girl and so much less drama then having a girlfriend

i've got to head back to el ghetto tonight so i'll be there for work tomorrow plus i haveto decide if i'm gonna en role in seminole state or o.s.u techwho knows but en rollment starts tomorrow

man i feel like shit

man i was trashed last night and now i'm paying for it today all kinds of hungover and having to roof a house in this 40 degree windy ass weather but it pays the bills well sometimes any ways it's nap time

damn i feel old

so i went to see this heather girl and hung out shot some pool played quarters what ever but like i was the oldest one there the girl i went to see well anyways, lets just say she's not for me

any how i got really fucking trashed and went and fucked my ex wife, then she drove me back to my moms where i slept in my durango my little sister came and tried to help me in the house but in case i needed to puke i wanted to stay where i was at any ways i'm getting ready to go jump on a roof so peace

happy turkey day

so last night i had to go regulate cause my 14 year old sister was drinking with some 20 year old guys, then i went back to make sure they understood and i met their 19 yearold room mate heather i've got a lot of girls trying to hook up with me but the truth is i haven't really felt it but this girl here is something else.

i didn't even know she was legal until i got home cause i asked my sister about her and she says she's 19 so i had rachel  call over there and get her on the phone we are supposed to hook up tonight so we will see whats up

as you can read for yourself amanda still reads my shit and yes i did tell her i miss her and the boys and i love all of them and still yet she wants to act like a spoiled, stubborn little brat and constantly talk shit

so any ways until tomorrow brings something new go get it how you live and do what you do

ANOTHER DAY

so i guess i didn't write in here that i told kari that i wasn't really feeling it, i write, think and feel so much that when i finish an entry most of the time i dont even know what i wrote, any how we are still talking, i have not had the gas to go see her but we still talk everyday and i guess it is not that i'm not feeling it i've just got so much going on with work, trying to go back to college and deciding wich one to go to because of where my land is compared to where my work is, so on and so forth

i spoke with amanda the other night and i guess she hurt herself at work,pretty bad i guess something about a compression fracture on her spine, but the mouthy bitch makes it hard for someone to even feel sorry for her. she is always talking shit, hell she even tries to or does actually call me an idiot all the time, but like i keep reminding her i'm not living in an apartment that the goverment reduces my rent at i am buying land, quite a bit of land actually, and to this point my college G.P.A is a what, oh yeah thats right 4.0

but don't let me brag just yet that is only one semester, but my guess is at the end of next semester it will still be a 4.0 cause that is my goal and i am a determined driven person, who is not an idiot

 

FIRST DAY

well today was my first day working with bruce, well not really i've done jobs for him but this is my first time to work for bruce full time, the work wasn't hard, the day wasn't to long and the pay is decent, so i guess this will work as i work my way through college to my desired goal of being a drug counselor and minister to athiest and agnostic believing people.

on another note i put in my journal that i told kari that it wasn't going to work cause i had planned on doing it that night and never did she called before dinner and actually it was good to hear her voice so maybe i wont break up with her

i've just went through three failed attempts at a relationship right now i'm to emotionally exhausted to even begin to try and love someone and idont want to be with anyone unless it is out of love and desire and i've seemed to have exhausted my love and desire i still have lustful desires but thats not what i'm after

life is good

so it has been a long hard bumpy road, nothing easy every day a struggle just to stay sober and strong more failurers than successes more loss than gain but i'm still standing just the same.

there has been a lot of women some phony ass tricks, some whores in bathrooms sucking my dick.

this year my heart has been broken and my body has been beat and i'm still standing just a little unsteady but on my feet

i lost a dear friend a soldier, a brother, barley made it off of parole and pissed off my mother i went to san fran and lost my job in los alamos and still i continue to chief yes i still smoke to all of my loved ones many thanks watch me shine it's finally my day

sex on a greyhound bus

so ted got to drunk to get on the bus in new mexico so i sit next to this girl kari we had  had a couple of drinks together before we got on the bus,anyways somewhere between alberqurci and amirillo we moved to the back of the bus where i d-boed a seat so we could fuck we kicked it a little bit since we've been in oklahoma but the truth is i'm not feeling it

i've been talking to amanda and even though she is a raging bitch i still feel it for her all the guys at work were always like why u still talking bout that trick the truth is i love her and her boys

but any how i'm just focusing on me and work and college and whatever comes along

I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT

so friday after we got back to the motel for lunch after our ladder training my bosss called me to his room and told me that i didn't pass my piss test after all

i had to go to ocupational medicine with john he is like a site manager any ways i asked for copies of my lab results from my u/a and was told that the goverment owned those result and that i could make a request in writing and they may or may not adress it

so they sent me home on a buss so i went from making 32 dollars an hour to being un employed with all kinds of bills isn't life funny like that

so i met a girl in new mexico

so last night i met this girl she seems pretty cool she stayed the night i took her to eat chinese and then we went to the bar to shoot some pool, my partner ted said he wanted to stay and have a drink so krista and i went back to the room ted wound up in a messs and caleed me when i got there things had settled down so krista and i came back to the room  i couldn't sleep cause i had this bad feeling so i went back to the bar as i aproached i heard a confrontation this young guy had followed ted outside and was causing a problem i got the guy to stop but ted sucker punched him long story short ted went to jail, i bonded him out this morning but he still lost his job so now i'm stuck spending all of my per diem on my room and having to use some of my check to live on but as of today i have made a little over a thousand dollars this week so i'm still cool plus that gives krista and i the room to ourselves so it's all good

I PASSED

so we got our results back yesterday and i passed i am so damn happy you would not even believe so no more poking the smot for me

today is the day

well i will know today if i passed my drug test, it is really kind of fucked up to me that i would not quit smoking pot for parole, but for this job i did but i guess it may have been a little to late, even if i fail the test i'm not going to give up i am going to call Tim Aduddell the owner of the company i work for and just shoot straight with him it is the only thing i know to do, i know this much working for this company has a whole lot to do with the fact that i have been able to stay sober, combined with the love and support of my family the combination of the two has given me  the strength to fight my addiction and has for the first time in my life made me believe in myself and my future and the thought that i may lose that has me scared to death but i wont let it cause me to relapse again. if my test comes back positive i hope that Tim will take into consideration that i had just lost my best friend, more than a friend my brother, that did not give me an excuse to relapse but that is the reason, i did fine until i went to the sight that he died at then it was real and really it was to much, he died at a spot we spent many a night together at, but today is the day

A LITTLE WORRIED

well i have to admitt i am a little bit worried about my drug test results tomorrow. i really feel like such a failure i have so much going for me and to think i might lose it over smoking pot makes me sick. i have had a couple of relapses but i have managed to pull my shit together, and even through my fuck ups i am proud of me, well i was proud of me but right now i am so disappointed in myself and i just don't know what to do i just pray that the Lord makes a miracle happen for me cause right now that is what it will take

so so all alone

so today has sucked ass on top of having to worry about a bull shit drug test to keep a job i desperatly want to keep, in los alamos you can't even drink at a bar until you  get good and drunk no these sissy's want to throw you out just when your having a good time they say damn you look drunk well no shit that was my goal now make me a drink. my thing is this i dont normally drink but in trying to be responsible and not smoking pot i drink right wrong or indifferent that is what i do. i personally would much rather just smoke a joint but our govcrment and job forces seem to think that smoking a joint at night makes you un fit to work during the day, but go get drunk brag about how much you drank and feel like shit and work like shit, and your one of them. i guess the question i'm asking myself is do i want to be like them, and i know the answer hell no i like being me. aside from only having one friend who doubles as my brother in law. since i have given up what i know as life and survival i feel more and more lonely each day. today almost broke me, had it not been for my stubborn pride, my hunger to suceed and my family today would have broke me and the truth is today did break me i just didn't break but i am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and i dont know how much longer i can go on and i don't even know what would make it better all i want is to be loved, not lusted after, not wanted for possesions i can give just loved for being me, flaws and all i am loud i am cocky I AM JOE POWERS and i just want to be accepted for that. i just want to find one good woman who won't lie to me, steal from me, or cheat on me, but the truth is i am giving up on believing in fairy tales it is what it is and i guess a fairy tale is not in store for me just pain, hurt, lonliness and loss.it is what it is, and for me it is not and they lived happily ever after it just is not

home sweet home

so we pulled into town last night and you know joe i spent the evening kicking it with the girl who runs the front desk and her 3 friends we sat down in the lobby and got smashed on some southern comfort and then the girl that works the desk got scared so all of her friends left except april who came up to my room we drank some beer and made out a little anyways after i go take that real hard test where you have to hit the cup i'm going to take her to lunch until later peace holla at ya boy

i leave today

we leave at 8 this morning for new mexico i'm gonna miss my family but damn do i need the money

so we are leaving on sunday

well my boss called and told me after work today that we leave on sunday 8 a.m to go to new mexico so i have spent the evening getting everything i need ready.living right in yucca valley seemed so easy but here it is a struggle every day not to resort to my old life but i have been doing pretty good today i was stressed out but now i am finally home everything is packed now i just have to do this roof tomorrow with my brother and step dad and then leave sunday and when i get back all of my bills will be caught up and i'll have several grand in the bank actually i'm hoping to have 1,000 to 15,000 in savings and like 3 grand in my checking

mom, nonie, dustin, and the boys i'm gonna be missing you but i'll be making that fat cash so love yall see ya when i get back

and JAY tomorrow when i smoke my last joint cause i'm quitting it will be dedicated to you soldier may you rest in peace i miss the fuck out of you 

life is good

so i found out today that i get to go to los alamos new mexico monday making 32.00 dollars an hour again that news came right in time since the tag title and tax is due on my durango

i've pretty well cut off all ties with anyone that i used to do dope with and i'm still single so i have been a little lonely but my puppy keeps me company i need to get some pictures on here of my puppy my lil smoke dog anyways so life is good

damn i must have been tired

well i didnt get anything done yesterday except to finally get some much needed rest now i'm up doing laundry before i take my durango to the shop and then go to work

on another note i'm the luckiest man alive because i'm such a fuck up a habitual line stepper but i am trying and my mistakes are getting fewer and fewer but i thank God every day for my family because without them i wouldnt stand half a chance at ever being sober or responsible

i think i have finally rid myself of the phony phony falsified friends that  have put before myself time and time again i've tried to be a better me and still be their friends but the truth is i am weak and there are parts of that life and that me that i miss and so i can not be around anyone that knows that me and this me and wants that me because they do not care about me

a so called friend of mine told me that a girl i had taken out in san fran was to good for me and it hit me she doesn't know me or where i'm trying to take my life she doesn't think very highly of me

any ways for those who love and know Joe watch me shine watch me glow

worn out

so i must be more worn out than i thought i've had a real bad head cold but no time to rest i got off work early today so i came home i thought that i would take a nap and then do some laundry but i slept until 8 pm and when i'm done here i'm going back to bed

a lot has went on but i just really dont feel like writing

i got it honest

well i have not had much time to write in my journal because i have to many bills to pay and i am doing my damnest to not break the law i tell you it is real hard some times when your overdrawn and you have bills to pay but i serve a mighty mighty God who is more than capable of providing a way.

my puppy dog smoke is getting big i love her so much when i'm driving home i can not wait to get there so we can play

better today

well i didnt do anything yesterday i felt like shit and spent most of the day on the couch trying not to vomit i'm waiting for my sister to get home from taking my nephews to school so i can go make some money work is real slow right now and i cant afford it so i'm trying to make up the difference

some times it feels like thats all i've ever done is make up the difference but the difference is now i'm not breaking the law to do so and it is a lot harder to do so

but i believe in fairy tales my faith and hope levels are high and i know i'm gonna make it

i'll never see him again

i cant believe i'll never hear my partner squeal up outside or have him call me at 3 am and need me right then i'll never see his smile again it still seems un real that i have lost my friend.

i was getting ready to go scrap some metal and pulled up my myspace page and there was jay's slide show and as i watched my heart yearned to hear him laugh or to hear him say dont act like a scary bitch

but thats not why i cry these tears i cry these tears because the world will never see jason the way a few of us knew him so loving and giving

most of the people who claim to be his friends never knew him they never saw him cry cause he felt like he was letting his parents down

jay was one of the most talented artist i've ever met and smart as anyone i know but he couldnt bring himself to believe in him

jay was as bright as any star when he was happy he would do anything for a friend and brother i miss the hell out of you

feels like winter

it was like 36 degrees this morning and has been fucking cold all day work has been slow i only got like 25 hours last week and this week is worse

i should be out side scrapping metal but instead i'm talking to amanda and i'm not really sure why she has made it clear that she is done and has been done and all she does is talk shit i'm talking to her now and she is talking shit

well it's about time to get some work done

so heres whats going on

so i told duvacha and i didnt talk to her yesterday or the day before i texted her the night before last she never responded so it's whatever.

amanda was on line yesterday  so i hit her up we talked a while and today she wouldn't answer or call back thats parr for course.

works been slow since we've been back but i've got side jobs so the Good Lord has been providing life is good i got a puppy a durango and land . i'm clean and sober and i feel great

more of me

walking down the streets, just another lonely town

walking by myself couples in love all around

all these lovely ladies, adoring eyes for their man

sometimes it's almost more than this lonley countryboy can stand

couple after couple walking hand in hand always breaks the heart of this

               BROKEN HEARTED MAN

my writings

isolated, withdrawn, utterly alone my only relief my families voice on the phone

i kick it in crowds but real friends i have few lets take a count

nonie and d i count 2 one my sister 2 the man by her side

so if we can't count family i guess i'm a friendless guy

 

to johnathon and jerimiah

I'm sorry that i can not be there to say our prayers and tuck you in at night

I'm sorry that before you go to school I am unable to say goodbye

I'm sorry that I am not there to teach you how to be young men

I'm sorry I'm not your father but in me you have a friend

so i fucked up again`

so i fucked up again in all kinds of ways so lets take a look at my latest bunch of mistakes

    betraying the trust of my family buy getting high again and that is bad but what is worse is that my brother told every one that i would be fine but i was getting high

then my ex wife comes back into town and she came home with me

but see i have a girlfriend in san francisco i haven't known her long and we only had a week to get to know each other in person but i really do like her and now i have betrayed her trust

Duvacha if you read this before i tell you know that i am so so sorry i really do like you please dont hate me 

a lovely lady

so i met this lovely woman in san francisco not only is she extremely beautiful but she conducts herself as a lady and she is very strong in her walk with Christ

my only regret is not having more time to spend with her it was refreshing to enjoy the company of a sophisticated young woman a young strong christian woman.

we talk and text i just miss her real bad i cant wait for her to come and visit

a tribute

people come and people go but soldiers live forever babies are born and grown men die

and on both occasions people cry

some people are real while others are fake but my memories of you no one can take

the times we laughed the times we cried the times we prayed Lord just let us get out alive

now i no longer have you in the flesh but i'll remember you always until death

i called him soldier

i called him soldier my partner in crime men like me and him well were one of a kind  there is no substitute we can not be replaced i still remember the last smile i saw on your face i'll never forget you the good and bad times we shared

or the dumb shit we did like we didnt even care i'll wear a piece of you

on my right arm for the rest of my life and i still feel you standing

on my right side when i have to fight

my silent soldier death in the air

i lost my soldier

while i was gone i lost one ofe my best friends he was like a brother to me he was a soldier he loved animals and kids and the homeless he will never be forgotten by those who truly knew him for who he was

the last time i saw jay we had words he wanted to fight but i never thought that i would never get to see him again i love you brother

so i'm back home

so i finally made it back from california i was at the fishermans wharf san francisco

i filled a spiral note book while i was gone but have decided not to transfer all of it

so my 8 to 10 day trip turned into 3 weeks but i made like 6 thousand dollars while i was gone well i grossed 6 thousand i only got like 4 but any how san francisco is beautiful i met a lot of people one in paticular who will have her own entry space everyone else i'll write about later

oh i bought a 2001 durango with the magnum v8 leather interior it's nice

we leave in the morning

so we leave at 6 am for san francisco my hotel is right on the beach,the room is free and i get money to live on, plus i'll be making between 1100 to 1500 dollars dollars a week bring home. i'll be gone a month to a month in a half.

amanda is back to not talking to me cause i fucked serena, you know what once again her loss i am an atractive young and single man with a good job buying land and getting ready to own my own home.

any ways serena left today she wants to try again but i can't , i wont she left when i needed her the most, not once but twice

and to my family, my heart thank you all so very much

 

well she raped me

so i said i didnt think i was gonna let serena rape me but she did any ways it's kind of hard to argue with unbridled lust and passion.

besides i am single and it's not like i was out chasing tail i had sex with a woman that i spent 6 years of my life with and had i not went to prison it would be 8 years, she hasn't been with anyone else which is more than i can say for myself or either one of my ex's since her.

i'm not gonna say my heart didn't flutter when i spoke with amanda and the boys cause God knows it did,but i can't put my life or even sexual desires on hold for a woman who has really shown no kind of interest in even talking about us having a future together

i can't sleep

so i can't sleep i've tossed and turned all night long and now i just gave up on sleep and got out of bed.everyone else is asleep so i am trying not to wake them and trying to sort out the emotions in my heart all at the same time

could it be

could there still be a chance or am i setting my self up for another heart break only time will tell

i know for there to be a chance she would have to come here cause i have a bad ass job that i'm not gonna give up land that i'm not gonna lose and a family that i dont want to live away from

 

so i heard her voice again

so i spoke to the boys and then amanda this evening now i dont think i will be able to  let serena rape me. my sister asked me what i was doing breaking my heart all over again and honestly i dont know but it was good to hear her voice

i love my job

so i havent been on line in a week or so i have been staying in okc so that i could ride a bike 16 miles to work every day. the guy who got me the job and was supposed o pick me up went to jail again and i was not gonna let that fuck up my job now i'm buying nonies old ford pick up. it is a good thing to because carl and i got in to it last night so i cant stay in the city any more i found out that when we are out of state i'll be making a prevailling wage  that ranges from 18  to 37 dollars an hour

aunt debbie got married last week and i thought i was going to jail cause sierra was there and she came up and hugged me and her mom went nuts

serena is coming to  visit she is driving here from kentucky as we speak she told me the other day that if i didnt make love to her she was gonna rape me i told her that being raped sounded kinda exciting right now she will be her between 6 pm and 9 pm

so life is good and GOD is great

so i went in today and watched the osha video's for work and i actually start tomorrow plus nonie and dustin are buying a Chrysler 300 and they are selling me the intrepid so i'll have a car with good gas milege to get back and forth to work dustin figured up what i'll be making with overtime and before taxes i'll be bringing in 1100 dollars a week now we will just see how bad uncle sam rapes me.

anyways michelle called tonight she really has a lot of nerve, i mean i got no hard feelings cause i can only blame myself for having her around in the first place but seriously i'm done i cant handle any more drama or fake ass ho's i've got way to much going for me to let some broad trick me off

speaking of fake ass ho's and drama why can't i get amanda off of my mind i still find myself thinking about her and us and wondering if i could have done something different and thats just stupid i did all i could she was the one that wasn't invested in us or a future.

anyways not that any of that shit matters i'm doing great i've got a great job a great family.i've got my head on straight and my sights set and anyone who's ever been hunting with me knows how straight i shoot, i dont miss often

i start tomorrow

so i start my new job tomorrow and i am a little nervous but i cant wait so i'll let everyone know how it goes

i start thursday

so i talked to tony and windell today and i start training thursday i'm really excited and i cant wait to go to puerto rico

through it all

so if you know me you know that i fucked up again big suprise huh michelle came around and i cant blame it on her it's just when she comes around all i really want to do is do dope and fuck like porn stars. but she left me in el reno cause, well  it really dont matter why just some classic michelle shit.

i do need to say thank you mom for not making it any worse than what it already was for me i really did appreciate that.

and through it all , all of my mistakes, God and my family have stood strong

i went down yesterday and passed my drug test for this roofing job that pays $14.00 an hour and allows me to fly all over the U.S and puerto rico and wendill my boss called last night and said that he was gonna get me a company phone and i met this guy in jail this last time if that's not the hand of a mighty God i dont know what is. i should be training tomorrow or thursday and leaving for san fransico or puerto rico next week

so to the three people who have endured so much pain and drama AND BULL SHIT because of me thank you for STAYING STRONG THROUGH IT ALL I LOVE YOU

it's good to be free again

well it's been quite a while since i've wrote in my journal, i went to jail for driving under suspension and then i had to go to canadian county jail to take care of some old warrents

but my trip to jail turned out to be a blessing i quit smoking cigarretes and met a roofer who gave me a job making  $14.00 an hour.

i've been out a week but have beenextremely busy plus my sisters phone was cut off for a minute

when i was in jail some of the guys were talking about their kids playing soccer and i started thinking about jonathon and jeremiah so i wrote the cunt and her boys

anyways  the other day nonie got an e mail from the cunt talking about i should just move on with my life. like i havent i started moving on with my life when i let that slut suck me off in arizona but those boys cant help it their momma's a cunt and it is a damn shame that they will probably never know the joy of having a father figure in their life cause their whore mom runs them all off

but any how while she is still stuck in the same spot she has been stuck at for the last 6 years i have been completly blessed i'm gonna take over the payments of lot one and pay my sister back what she has already invested in it so now i am back to buying 7 acres again and this time i'm not gonna fuck it off for anything i dont care how impossible things look i'm not gonna give up like i  did last time.

this is where i'm making my home i am supposed to be leaving for kansas either tomorrow or monday and i'm gonna be working 7 days there and then flying to new mexico to work another week so God willing when i get back i will have enough money to give my sister 500 dollars and hopefully move my trailor to my land if not then my trailor will have to wait until my next check

once i've got all that done dustin and i are going to install my septic tank and tie my water into his and just split the water bill so i dont have to come out of pocket 1200 dollars for a metor

we will probably run the water lines and the electric at the same time and that is where it gets fun cause even though i am buying an older model trailor when i get done it will be a brand new home

i'll start by completly gutting the trailor so i can build it right new studs if it's needed new insulation, new sheet rock, new floors, new carpet, and while i'm replacing all that shit and my trailor is gutted i can frame in anything that i might want to add or change anything that i want to change.

i know for fact that even if it has a bar or wet bar i'm gonna have to tear it down and build it right, plus i'm gonna want a fireplace in my living room and my master bed room for the cold country winter nights.

i already have most of what i need to build a garage on when my trailor is finished, and then in 5 or 6 years i will build my home, you know my trailor will be homey enough but thats not where i'm gonna grow old and die. i'm gonna have a nice big country home with a porch that goes all the way around and several front porch swings, a bricked in bar-b-q pit and an outside wet bar all located  around my pool and hot tub you know it's not enough to dream big but if your gonna dream big you have to be able to see yourself there in that dream and have some kind of plan of action as to how you are going to get to where it is you want to be. see i not only have a plan of action  but i know myself and what i am capable of doing so i know i will be there and i am a patient patient man and i'm prepared to fall time and time again cause i know that know matter how many times i fall i'll be right back on my feet dusting myself off and saying is that all you got

so last week end michelle was at her brothers and she came over we ended up taking my nephews and her oldest son dolan to the lake and then we stayed at her brothers and she has spent several days just kicking here with me at my sisters and up until last night it had just been on homie staus i have been trying to give her her space and just be a friend to help her find herself with no strings attached and trying my best to keep my desires and emotions in check so that i can stay in a completly neutral position to help her from so that neither one of us get hurt again or our friendship be jepordized

i want michelle to be the woman that i know she really is down deep the woman that revealed her true self the very first night that we went out. i want her to be able to show the world what i have already seen and what she just can not believe that she could ever be, but she alraedy is and doesn't even know it. she can't seem to allow herself to just or believe in something anything she wont allow herself any happiness and she deserves it and can have it. michelle i love baby always and forever even if it's just as homies when you can't count on anyone else know that you can count on me.

me and my lil country boys

so my nephews and i gathered a whole bunch of copper today, a couple hundred dollars worth, not bad for a man with no career or future, and still with no real job i make more than a glorified ass wiper, to me thats some funny shit see i moved to a place this trick has lived most of her life and with in 2 weeks i was already making more money than her but she wants to talk like i dont have anything, never a day in my life have i had to worry about what my future may hold. my plans are definatly subject to change but one thing thats for sure i have never done with out

the next few entries are poems that i have wrote since i've been home, some i wrote after fucking up and getting high others i wrote just because i could not sleep and needed to get it out.they may leave the impression that i'm sad or depressed but that really isn't the case i feel pretty good except for the times i've broke weak and gotten high, i think about amanda less and less and i only allow myself to think about jonathan and jerimiah 10 or 12 times a day, no doubt about it i gave those boys all of my heart and they will always have their place there. but i'm gonna be fine and i'm gonna make through what ever life throws my way, i always have and always will

what i know i can do

not a strong man, not easy to scare

we can scrap in the streets

or grab our guns i dont care

dont have no reverse in me and rarley do i flee

raised by the streets, slept in alley's behind dirty bars

i've robbed buisnesses and even stolen cop cars

not the life i had chosen as a boy in my youth

but so far the life i've lived has got me through

it's time for something different a chance to make my life new

but everytime i fail at that

i go back to what i know i can do

one foot in front of the other

one foot in front of the other is enough to make a man move

one foot in front of the other

damn how many times have those words got me through

one foot in front of the other as my life passes by

one foot in front of the other

why the fuck do i even try

help

the nights are cold and lonley, my thoughts keep me awake

and i often wonder, just how many times can a heart break

my answer comes

one heartbreak at a time

but i just keep on smiling pretending everything is fine

it's starting to catch up to me

thats a lie, i've already been caught and pinned down

i scream for help in my darkness, but for me no help can be found

more blah blah blah

i keep slipping and trying not to fall

i keep trying to run and can not even crawl

i know i'm smart enough, and strong enough to 

but for some fucking reason

i can not seem to do the things i'm supposed to

sneaking around trying to get high tell another story cause it's a fucking lie

it's hard for me to believe that it was just a month ago

that i had a good job and didnt do dope

for me it's so easy to be what i've always been

but i want to be the california me, i want to be him again

will i ever make it

will i ever make it, can i live right, trying to beat addiction, is a never ending fight

it was so easy 1200 miles away, a little desert town, in an entirely different state

i thought i had a good woman, with two wonderful little boys

and ever so briefly they filled my life with joy

then her real feelings came out and her true side was shown

and she made it very clear that she never loved joe

7 days in a semi, 7 days on the road

this broken hearted cowboy made his long journey home

all my time clean and not breaking the law

went right down the drain with a single trip to ma's

shooting dope and robbing folks no body in cali would reconize joe

do i not deserve love

do i not deserve love, you know the magical kind

   have i not proven myself worthy

          oh so many times

honest and faithful ,sensitive and kind

gentle and understanding

there are not many men of my kind

but all of my efforts have never seemed to do me any good

because time and time again my love is thrown out

just as easily as if it had been trash or leftover food

last night

so i talked with amanda  on line for a while last night and it made me wonder how i ever felt anything for that fake ass ho. whats funnier is she keeps calling me un educated and the first time she called me that she mis spelled un educated how funny. whats funnier than that is all she has is a high school diploma and wipes asses for a living. while i have a g.e.d  12 credit hours of college all of which was at a 4.0 g.p.a. on top of that i have completed an electrical vo-tech and have over 5 years experience in the trade of roofing and framing.

but on  a note a lot closer to my heart and my home michelle is doing okay she may actually leave ricky this time.she called last night to tell me how her dr. appointment went and to tell me that she had chandler  for the last two days. michelle you can do it sweet heart i have faith in you i know you can be that girl i met almost two years ago

the boys and i are getting ready to go to work scrapping metal i'll say this my trip to california was not in vain you know i learn something every where i go you know a little more knowledge to add to my un educated mind

time for a re-count

well lets take a re-count mikey makes one josh makes two three would be me and now your newest so again ho

as for me i have everything i need so if that is nothing than nothing is fine by me

and dont kid yourself i dont want back in your life you are definatley my past and as for stalking peoples life you are the one still commenting to my journal so who is stalking who you get real and leave me alone you were just another mistake on my long list of mistakes

some funny shit

to michelle my poem placed no blame on you "homie" just my feelings

on a funny ass note i guess while i was at michelles brothers house with her amanda wrote in her journal about me but had deleted her whole journal before i got home

but the jest of it was this i'm a loud mouth broke ass dead beat dad trailor park hick

so now lets examine the words spoken by a fat, loose, lazy project ass apartmemnt whore who's never been away from home on her own.

yes mam i am broke right now and i did come up there with nothing

but while i was there i made pretty good money and gave almost all of it to you

stupid me, fear no man and trust no bitch

so for that i knew better

now moving right along i'll get loud mouth trailor park hick all in one, yes mam i am loud and i back every bit of it. i'm not rude, or disrespectful and i do not throw my weight around i make sure i'm heard and treated with respect because i listen and treat others with respect

are you that fucking dunb or do you just not listen i dont live in a trailor park bitch, my family has land

and it is an honor for me to be called cowboy, redneck,hill billy,or hick

now as for my relationship with my step kids that is for one thing none of your fucking buisness but since you brought it up lets look at that i became a step dad at 18, i am 26 now and their mother and i have been split up for 3 years and i have never once turned my back on any one of them

those are my kids

now lets look at you mommy amanda you have two kids with 2 dads and neither one of them are around why because your a cold hearted spoiled bitch you bring different guys in and out like a revolving door i've only known you like 4 months and i can name 4 guys thats been in your bed, yeah that kinda makes you a whore

on to my next and final subject mom if you dont like what you read in my journal then do not read it.i'm not gonna change it or alter it to your liking and it is all truth except for carl didnt really hit you he just threw you around and choked you but that did not rhyme so to the world if this will make my  mommy fucking feel better carl never really hit her just abused her physically and emotionally but he really did hit me and i guess it was my fault because now my mom is saying i was supposed to have just watched them fight and do nothing to help so more blame i can take yay

to the rest of the world good night and i am doing okay i got a part time job today under the table so it wont fuck with me getting my crazy check, thanks michelle much love homie oh just cause cant believe in us doesnt mean i dont believe in you

to my little sister

before i clean up the mess me and dillan made in your living room

i just wanted to say thank you nonie for always believing in me even when i could not belive in myself there were so many times that i fell and the only reason i got back up was because i knew that you believed i would.

because of you i have been able to do things i otherwise could not do

i had a sheltered cunt in california tell me she couldn't be with someone who could not think for himself or be his own man

let me tell you something i'm damn sure my own man and been very blessed to have a ride or die sister that was there to hold me when i could not stand

inside of me

i gave her my trust, and all of the love in my heart

i know all of her flaws and how cold she can be

but that hs not changed the love i have for her

    inside of me

i gave up once yes i even left state

told myself i was moving on hell i could see no other way

i was only gone for three months the girl i went up there for

turned out to be a cunt

not really heart broken, but my feelings a little hurt

walking 10 miles a day, trying to find work

michelles leaving ricky, i guess he beat her again, and still she chooses him

even though i used to be her man

i made her a promise that i would never turn my back

and if she needed my help, all she had to do was ask

i never knew how hard that promise would be to keep

because she never fails to ask for my help

when i'm almost back on my feet

i try to be strong and not let my feelings show\

but come on now does she really expect anything else out of joe

every time she leaves him i do all that i can

just to be here for her, as a friend not her man

but how i truly feel that i'll never hide

because a man can't change

how he really feels inside

but i've run out of patience and michelle ran out of time

because i've grown oh soweary

from doing this so many times

working men

so dillan and i have been working our butts off ever since we got home we were stuck at michelles brothers for almost a week but even though  she ran back to her woman beater we all still had a pretty good time. i know dillan did we live out in the country so he doesn't get to play with other kids that often so he had a good time

boo hoo ho

abandoned as a child, accused of unthinkable things , locked in a cage with animals that looked just like men so i guess this is it this is where my story begins

accused of raping my step sister, my own father turned his back

i'm not sure if he ever really believed i did it or was he just securing his harley and covering his own back  ,locked in a juvenile detention

beaten and raped so completly  ashamed that i didn't even want to see my own face upon my release i went to live with  my grandfather but he was way to strict so i went back to my moms

my step dad had a drinking problem and my mom loves to bitch when you cobine the two it eaquals my mom getting hit i tried to protect her i tried to be stong

and just the other day my mother informed me, for that to i was wrong i spent lots of nights walking just me and my dog because it was always me who wound up homeless when carl hit my mom i finally got my lisence and even bought myself a car i was never at home but from my sister i was never far things got worse with each day that passed by i was to young to know it then but most of the reasons were because women cheat and lie i promised my mom if she left him i would help her pay the bills i was working at a pizza joint but when  i started my second job i got pretty strung out i drove my sister to school and the babies to daycare then rushed right home to find some work clothes to wear it didnt take long and we had enough for a trailor that we could call our home cause the sands motel is no kinda home we all got moved in and for once it looked like things would be okay until my mom decided she needed a dope phene stray we bumped heads from the very start he tried to act like my dad[and worthless as he may be] mike couldn't fill the part one night my mother and i had a little fight she kicked me out no big deal happened all the time leave for the night let us both calm down come home tomorrow and work our problems out  i guess i had a death wish lord knows i hated being alive but i guess God doesn't want me dead cause he damn sure knows how hard at death i tried the next morning i really dont remember another one of the Lords miracles that ieven made it home only to have a jobless junkie tell me that this was no longer my home i'm not sure what fucking bill he paid at our fucking house that gave him any fucking right and it did start a fight well if you could call it that a grown man and a 17 year old kid so fucked up i could barely walk damn he's a big man i remember being at the hospital and hearing my p.o say he's going back and that is all it took to make me crack i swallowed 2 bags of pills and pulled out my knife all i really knew was i needed to get out side as i walked out the doors pepperspray spattered my eyes and then i was on the ground that cost me 9 more months of my life but this time i was locked up with a bunch of child molesters two weeks before i turned 18 they finally let me go but drugs were all iknew tha would kill the pain inside of joe i needed money for weed so i stole some money from my grandparents got caught and was homeless again

[i deserved to be thrown out that time] learned a hard lesson from that mistake 10 years later and every time my grampa looks at me it's with that dissappointed face i got my girst apartment but not long after lost my job went from cleaning showers at a truck stop to standing on the corner slangin rocks it wasn't easy being the only white boy selling crack in the hood during all of this i got  pretty strung out i was staying in a motel pimping out this street whore when i decided to call my mom to get clean 

                                                            to be continued i  got shit to do 

MY OWN MAN

i'm my own man, i think for myself , only take advice from my sister and no other no words can describe the bond shared between my sister and her brother

people trying to tell me all of the things that i need to do and i just wish they'd shut the fuck up i live for me not you, you dont have to agree with me but take me as i am cause people trying to change me for that i wont stand i ride my own heat and pay for my own mistakes but all of mikes fucking yap yap yappin is really more than i can take

MORE OF MY INNER ME

IF MY THOUGHTS COULD KILL ME I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD ALONG TIME AGO BUT I JUST KEEP ON LIVING , WHY I TORMENT MYSELF LIKE THIS I MAY NEVER KNOW WHETHER IT BE HEART BREAK AND EMOTIONS OR MEMORIES FROM THE PAST AND IF IT'S NOT ANY OF THAT THEN IT'S CAUSE I DID ONE MORE LAST BLAST

WHAT EVER MAY BE THE REASON THE RESULT REMAINS THE SAME

TRY TO KEEP ON SMILING AND HIDING ALL OF THE  PAIN

where is superman at

              i can't seem to find myself , the real me buried deep inside

                          battered and broken, the real me has to hide

                                                so i live how i live

                                         it's no act or a show

                                                             it's just a damn shame

 this is the only i, i seem to be able to show

                          lots of people think they know me

                                                 to them this is who i am

   for some reason they could never imagine that i am really a much better man

for me it's quite the opposite i still see myself as that man and when i really think about it i can't believe i am the way i am i know that i'm better than this

i've done good several times before but when shit gets sideways i only know how to handle it in one way HEAVILY SELF MEDICATE NUMB THE PAIN AWAY

soft whispers

soft loving whispers, all turn out to be lies

          how can such a cold heart, live behind such beautiful eyes

she tells you she loves you , your all she'll ever need

       then before you know it this bitch is telling you to leave

emotions

joy seems to escape me but my pain is always there

   happiness flees from me, but hurt is always prepared

love loves to mock me, with women who do not care

how much more can i take

                   how much more must i bare

sleepless night

i close my eyes and try to go to sleep in the same bed michelle told me how much she loved and missed me as we fucked again for the first time in a long while

but i knew it in the morning i could tell by the look on her face

that tonight she would be staying at ricky's place, she tried to deny it as she pulled away

and i wanted so badly to believe her so i decided to stay all day long i wondered

hoping this time that i could be wrong, but in my heart i knew i wasn't all along

this was her last chance to have my help as a friend

and even if hell does freeze over never again will i be her man

same old song and dance

well i've helped michelle leave ricky for the last time, and i wont ask my family to put them self out again so they can help her play her little games

if she really needs something and has no one else to call i'm sure i wont turn my back. i'm not nearly as cold hearted as several women i know i guess that is why it is so hard for me to comprehend how easy they make being heartless look

a little nervous

okay so now i'm a little nervous

the last time i saw michelle i was still completly stuck on amanda BUT NOW AMANDA IS BARELY EVEN A MEMORY

and i remember how deeply i loved michelle how i would have done anything for her

i remember stopping by papa's for money and there being a number

it was chanda michelle was trying to get a hold of me, after court i waited for a day and a half until she finally called

she wanted me back but not the me i had become she would have went crazy hell i almost have went crazy

so she went back to ricky and i honestly never blamed her for that how could i blame her when i would have done the same thing if i was woman with kids

but whats gonna happen now

well she is here we will see

she's on her way

so michelle left ricky, she is on her way now to pick up me and dillon so i can go to the scrap yard

i loved this girl like no other at one time and she hurt me bad real bad

one thing i know for fact she really did and does love me,, amanda never did

see i promised michelle a real long time ago that i would never give up on her as a person and that if she really needed something i would always be there and i keep my promises all except one sorry nonie

so she will be here in like an hour

on another note amanda finally got to get out of her lil desert project apartment it's about time yay for amanda maybe she will finally get off of her momma's tit  probably not

soldier

so i've been called and called myself a soldier so many times but how much of a soldier am i

never ran from a man or group of men, well except jay and a tire iron lol

but over the years i've ran from myself, or hid my true self, killed my true self and numbed my self with drugs

when things are good my true self can be seen and i'm all good, but when shit starts going sideways in my life i've always had a crutch to supress all of my hurts and pains that i've really never dealt with just kept locked away and numbed with a needle

and now that I AM trying to stay clean i'm not being able to handle myself i can't handle my own thoughts my own memories, losses mistakes

there are only a few words in my heart that keep me going

can't means won't and you will

           one foot in front of another keeps a man moving boy

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER

               but my feet are getting heavy

and i'm not even sure what i keep putting one foot in front of the other for

losing it

i'm not really sure what is going on inside me i have always kinda prided myself on being this strong individual that would not let anything break me

i went to the city monday to continue job hunting and the only good thing that came out of that trip was i got to see my grandfather.

anyways i went to see chasity now remember her father is a crankster gangster, an old school gunslinger. and he wanted to kill me. when she opened the door she said i you sure are bound and determined.

i said bound and determined to what she said either hook up with me or have my daddy kill you i'm just not sure wich one it is that you really want.

i told her hell this aint nothing like that i'm here as a friend and i know your daddy wants me dead i just much rather be killed fighting face to face then to let someone shoot me in the back besides that i go where i want when i want say what i want when i want cause i'm me and just cause someone might want to kill me that wont stop me hell others have tried and more will come and i will always be joe

anyways about that time he pulled up plumb spun and a lil crazy looking  when he came in instead of going back to his room like he had been doing he sat down on the couch everyone continued their conversations until i said can we handle this like men.

on that note he revealed the 44 magnum that i guess had been in his hand the whole time . I said no like men without the blades, heaters, and bloody mess on your daughters floor

long story short that's handled

so i leave and went to catch the bus and the fucking bus driver didnt stop, so i ran the 3 quarters of a mile to the next stop he would hit on the way back through i got there in time but when he opened the doors he was all grinning at me like he did that shit on purpose. i took my seat and a couple stops later a lil old lady got on in a wheel chair and this piece of shit just kept being rude to her. i took it as long as i could then i pulled the stop request cord standing before he could even slow down and screaming and yelling at this fat fucking bus driver about how fucking rude he was i noticed he was reaching for his lil taser and out of reflex i slung opened my knife his taser was stuck so i told him he didnt know how close to death he had just came and got off of the bus.

i damn near killed that piece of shit that scared me a lil because i know that i would not even have been remorseful about taking his life only destroying mine

so ricky broke michelles computer and slammed her head into a wall she called and said she was gonna try to go to her brothers he lives in the next town over she said if she made it she was gonna stop here first, i woke up alone so i guess she didn't make it i called her homegirls but got no answer my sister is in el reno right now at my moms so if you read this michelle nonie is there she will help

so i think i'm checking myself into the nut house before i go off and kill somebody

momma

i'm sorry for the things i said but now you need to hear me

it wasn't your toothless punk of an old man that gave you money at the sands motel so we could get into a trailor but you threw me out soon after he got there

it wasn't him getting his ass kicked by carl trying to help you

for almost 12 years i've put up with his shit and i have been telling you how it makes me feel for like three years and ever since i got back i've told you he needs to shut his mouth before i kick his ass

i tried to tell you at sharons and you told me to shut up i went in the living and looked michelle right in the eye and told her alright i'm done next time i'm just gonna sock him

i guess i lied cause it happened again and everyone says i disrespected your house well i'm so fucking sorry but every muscle in my body was tense and it took everything i had not to kick his ass so i left not disrespecting you at all

but what did you do you wanted to follow me outside screaming and yelling just like you used to do to carl right before he would beat you

i'm sorry for disrespecting you i love you more than anything in the world next to nonie it is a sin but i think i love my sister even more than i love god

i hope i'm wrong about that cause if so that will be what sends me to hell but know this i would go to hell and back for her

but because of the night before last the next time i see mike i'm gonna kick his ass like he's never experienced and that sucks because it will probably be at thanksgiving well unless i'm not allowed to come because of that comment but he has proven to me that that is exactly what it's gonna take to make him shut up.and i'm sorry it has to be like this but you and him have made it that way

him because he can't stop running his mouth even to someone who could kick his ass with out even breaking a sweat and you for not telling him to leave everytime he starts and meaning it

i have not had a visit with you in 11 years without listenig to him put me down hell not even a phone call where i didn't have to listen to him in the background even when i was in california doing right

so i'm gonna ask you this who really disrespected you your son who out of respect for you has taken it for years when i could have kicked his ass at any time and made it stop or the sissy that you call a husband that won't do it on a job site or in his truck or even when your not home in fact he doesn't normally even do it when it's just me you and him

no the punk waits until my sister and mom and dustin are there why cause in my opinion he is a scary bitch

so at this point none of that matters because after the next time i see him he wont address me by anything but sir that i promise

long long week

thursday i walked like 12 miles job hunting, then i helped a hitch hiker get money off of his benifits card. so he rented a room and took me to the titty bar he left early but i closed er down

on the way back to the room i stopped by chasity's her husband and i used to be friends or so i thought.when i came in she smiled real big you know the ear to ear kind of smile then she said i don't know if you should be here so i asked her if she was asking me to leave she said of course not but my dad wants to kill you and he will be here in a minute i told her that i knew that when i walked up but i still walked up

when her dad got there it got crazy for a minute but she told him this is my house he went outside with his knife so i got mine and started to go out she said no he'll come in in a min just watch him anyways we ended up going to the lake and watching the sun come up before we went to braums for some biscuits and gravy then she took me back to my room so i could sleep

when we woke up shane said he wanted some weed so i called chasity when she got there she asked if i wanted to run some errands with her

on the way back to the room she asked if i minded if we made a pit stop i said no not at all so we went to this little bar on the s.e side of okc, now thats my type of girl she aint no scared lil fake ass ho thats a bad side of okc and a bad ass lil biker pub

several buckets of beer and about four double crown and cokes later it was  time to go things got pretty hot and heavy in the car on the way home while she was driving we couldn't keep our hands off of each other i was pulling her hair and biting her neck when she almost hit a van but that didnt even slow us down

when we got back to the room i wound up beating shane up for disrespecting chas and  i made him leave so we could be alone when i got in bed with her she started kinda flipping out cause she married lenny on valentines day and even though she is fed up and made those vows based on the lies he told her those vows are real to her

the next day i went to roof a house on like 3 hours of sleep and hung over my brother in law and i got into it mainly cause i was hot tired andhungover but i walked off

then when we all got to my moms mike started running his mouth again lol i just realized something he always waits until he is around my mom to do that shit he could've done it on the way home but he always waits until my mom is around

anyways i've let that loud mouth sissy disrespect me for the last time

 

independance day

THIS IS SO FUCKING YOU I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MY EYES

so that is a comment my lil sister sent me and she knows you can't break me

and this is who i am to her and my nephews and my lil sister rachel

and that never ceases to amaze me since i have been a junkie,thief,killer been to prison but i have never paraded around like something i'm not always been honest and ready to die for mine something like a soldier

but i've been doing a lot of thinking i have let my family down so many times

and then get my shit together only to fuck everything off again

when i got back from california i had 7 months clean

and was not back a week

before i was getting high and hitting licks

then my partner tried to kill me so i called my sister to let her know what just happened i told her i would call in about an hour but it started raining and i had hell getting where i was going pointe is i did not call and my sister and mom went looking in el reno at houses they should not have had to go

because they know me and some of my friends, it kind of hurt my feelings that my mom and sister thought i was in a gutter dead somewhere

i was raised by them there streets shot,stabbed, run over three times

and this much i know you can't kill me till GOD says so

but i think i have a job building coils for electric poles it's 10 dollars an hour and cake

i can put a trailor on lot one and honestly i think thats what i need to do to stay clean

stay close to my sister

 

 

 

they should almost be home

well chris came and got hunter and nonie and dustin should be here any minute now with a hootie to smoke then it's sweet dreams for me this day has been way to fucking long

worn out

these boys have done nothing but cried and whined all day i am so ready for my sister to get here.

hell i am ready to eat dinner and go to bed

dustin managed to wake me up

so dustin managed to wake me up before he left wich sucks cause i tossed and turned all night wondering how she can already have some dude posted up like i never meant anything at all to her

i guess that would make nonie correct again when she said amanda never cared for me like she put on that she did

what i can't figure is why a woman would be talking about marraige and having kids together one day and then end it all over one little argument

and then to add insult to injury have her newest john answer the phone when i called

all i can say is she had a good man and she threw me away

she will be damn lucky to find another man like me and even if she does she will take him for granted and fuck it up

 

damn she moves fast

so i called amanda today and some guy answered the phone

damn she moves fast already has another man around those precious boys

i hope she knows what she's doing but i'd have never imagined her to be such a whore

just the cowboy in me

so for years i have said i was gonna ride a bull and this year is the year i think it is august that i can do it i'll have to make sure. my cousin chris said if i did it he would i dont know if he knew that i was for real and it doesn't matter if he rides or not i'm going to

i'm hoping that serena is here when i do it cause one thing i have always been able to count on is her faith in me it is not as strong as my sisters hell no ones is, but with both of them there i bet i get my 8 seconds

i might not make it look good like a cowboy but i'm not looking for a career or a medal just a thrill

so this morning amanda is probably waking up with jeff, wonder if he's gonna tell her how beautiful she is, or if he is gonna carry miah to the potty and let him know that it's alright cause he doesn't like waking up. or if he is gonna take interests in johnathons life, his feelings and desires  his goals and fears

some bitch told me yesterday that i live in the past and that i'm waiting for something i want but cant have

i guess that is true

because i still wake up expecting amanda to be beside me and the boys to be just a room away,, watching cartoons if it's a week end or sleeping soundly monday through friday.

but tell me this how do you not think about it if that is what you put all of yourself into plans dreams and goals

sure i've made new plans set new goals, but the fact is they are still in my dreams

guess that's just the cowboy in me

long long road ahead of me now

a fake ass bitch once told me that i wanted the easy life and i thought she was dead wrong, but thinking back she was probably more right than she will ever know cause it was easy with her and the boys.

working 7 days a week, 10 hour days sometimes 12 hour days, it was easy cause i wanted to give them the world,well maybe not the world but everything that i could.that was easy see she was trying to be hurtful when she said it but it was so so true.

i entitled this entry long long road ahead of me now but it probably will not be any longer or harder than the many roads behind me

and heartbreak and love loss aside it's good to be home, it's good to be joe

i've got a lot to do by the first of the year to have a bad ass home ready and the money put back for my trip cause i am gonna take any where from 2 months to one year out of my life and just travel and live for the day and find that spark that used to make me quite unique. that shit eating grin that used to make me quite irresistable

my ex wife told me last night that it was good to see that i had finally realized that i was a great guy deserving of a great woman and that she was sorry that she was not that woman serena is a great friend just not really a great wife but i do miss knowing that there was always some one there for me through thick and thin

it hurts me knowing that she can not get over me and move on my sister said she never will she loves me with all that she is