so i'm tore up on the inside

so i'm three paragraphs into chapter one and i can not stop the tears and i'm not even to the hard part. i am unlocking memories that for years i have tried to erase with drugs and even failed suicide attempts.I can only pray that God gives me the strength to write this book because inside i'm all tore up

I FINALLY STARTED MY BOOK

SO I FINALLY STARTED MY BOOK THEY CALL ME COWBOY IT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE MY STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS MY FAILURES AND DEFEAT MY NEVER SAY QUIT OR I GIVE UP ATTITUDE EVEN AFTER MY FATHER ABANDONED ME EVEN AFTER BEING BRUTALLY RAPED.BEATING AN ADDICTION TO HEROIN AND COCAINE AND MY ON GOING BATTLE WITH MY ADDICTION TO METH WHITCH I DO BELIEVE IS ANOTHER BATTLE THAT I HAVE FINALLY DEFEATED AFTER SO MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS AND I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITH OUT MY SISTER OR MOTHER OR BROTHER IN LAW OR WITH OUT AMANDA I DONT THINK SHE WILL EVER KNOW HOW MUCH I REALLY DO CARE OR HOW MUCH LOVE I AM CAPABLE OF

I'M SUCH A DUMB ASS

seriously i am such a dumb ass i woke up with every intention to start my book this morning, it is time but i am to fucking stupid to even find the note pad or writing function on this fucking machine.i can work on cars,build houses,ride horses,hunt and track,but for the life of me i can not figure out computers and technology,hell i have a hard time operating the remote control to our dvr which by the way Nonie you should get that no more commercials or rewinding your tape so you can record tomorrows you can record 2 shows at once u need to tell Dustin you want it Amanda loves it any ways i feel better now so peace

LAST NIGHT WAS REALLY SPEACIAL TO ME

SO LAST NIGHT WAS REAL SPECIAL TO ME JUST HOLDING MY GIRL IN MY ARMS SHE IS SO AMAZING AND SHE MEANS SO VERY MUCH TO ME I COULD NOT IMAGINE HAVING TO GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT HER BY MY SIDE OR WAKING UP TO HER BEAUTY

he's on his way home

well my little cousin went on his soul search and now he is on his way home i am a little disappointed in him cause he did something that i consider to be a little heartless and cold but at the same time i have also done the same thing i guess maybe i held him to a higher standard than i do myself any ways we had a blast and i was happy to see him but i wish it had been my sister instead any ways i hope he found what it was he was looking for in himself but i doubt it cause in a way he took his journey on his mothers tit i would never tell him that but i think when a  man goes on a soul search i feel as though he should make his own way on his own resources and skills.it just is not the same if you have your moms credit card and a pocket full of cash that is not a soul search that is a vacation i personally think his mom and dad should have handed him a set of keys a hundred dollars and said kick rocks find your way and along the way find yourself of course he does have a son and maybe that could not have been done

TO AMANDA

                              I LOVE YOU

             I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOU NEED ME                                  I LOVE YOU CAUSE I NEED YOU TO            

    I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOU HELPED ME THROUGH 

SHIT I JUST COULD NOT SEEM TO GET THROUGH

           I LOVE YOU CAUSE YOUR BEAUTIFUL

              I LOVE IT WHEN YOU KISS ME

                 AND TELL ME I HAVE TO STAY

                     I LOVE YOU WHEN YOUR ANGRY 

                       AND TURN AND WALK AWAY

                      I LOVE YOU IN THE MORNING

                           I LOVE YOU ALL DAY LONG  

                         AND I LOVE YOU THE MOST

                        BECAUSE YOU ARE SO STRONG           

well i didnt quit

so i made it 7 hours without a smoke then bummed one from a guy at work i really thought that i may have been ready to do it my cousin has come and gone again i'll write more about that tonight and add pics but right now i'm going upstairs to hold amanda

so i quit smoking this morning

so this is day one of being a non smoker,i coughed all night and my throat is fucking killing me i said all day yesterday that i was quitting today and i prayed all day yesterday and last night that the Lord give me the strength to do it cause i know i can not do it on my own i have smoked a bowl though not quite ready to give that up but definitely tired of coughing and hacking all of the time any ways i'm running late so peace

this is what i wake up for

i gotta tell you this is what i wake up for i get an hour to wake up and gather my thoughts then i go back and crawl in bed with the most wonderful,beautiful woman in the world to snuggle for a few minutes as she prepares herself for the day.then i go and wake up jeremiah,he doesn't like mornings any better than his mom so i have to wake him up by picking him up in my arms and letting him lay his head on my shoulder let me tell you there is not a better feeling in the world.being here with amanda and the boys makes me feel complete i still cant understand how any man could walk away from this but i'm not going to this is what i wake up for

she is so speacial to me

so i may very well be dating the greatest creation God ever made next to JESUS and my little sister nonie yes she can be moody but aren't we all she works damn hard as a cna at a nursing home and until we got together she had been raising her two boys{our 2 boys} by herself for the last 2 years and for that matter i don't really think that he was that good of a dad when he was here so basically for the last 8 years she has been a single mother even when she was with her x it was like being a single mother. and i don't really think she knows how much respect that i really have for her. i am a very highly opinionated country boy and quite often i piss people off i guess quite often i piss her off but i can't be any one but me i know this with all my flaws i am still great husband and father material and i told her when i came down here i was coming to make her a country boys wife and i meant that with everything that i am i loved her before i ever even met her she doesn't love me yet but she will some day when she is ready maybe i shouldn't already love her but it was not very long ago that when i woke up my very first thought was God why why am i still alive and i hurt so bad and so deep that i couldn't even get out of bed with out sticking a needle in my arm.i was just starting to try and get clean again and get my life back and i wasn't talking to her very long before the urge to get high stopped and i woke up ready for life because i knew she would be waking up soon and i could hear her sweet voice and when i was in the city at a dope house i didn't want to use cause i knew i would be going home to call her i stopped breaking the law again out of fear of going to jail and never getting to know this wonderful woman half a country away i guess what i am saying is AMANDA YOU CAN TRUST ME AND IN ME i want to make you my wife someday i could not imagine waking up with you not by my side actually yes i can i experienced it today when i woke up and u were not there i thought that you and the boys had left and i felt horrible i love waking up with you and coming home to you i love waking up and getting Jeremiah up when he lays his little head on my shoulder on the way to the potty or how sweet both the boys are when we say our prayers at bed time i would not trade those precious moments for any thing in the world

the greatest suprise ever, well my sister would have been greater

well yesterday i got the greatest surprise of my life next to meeting Amanda my little cousin went on a soul search of his own and his soul led him to me.it was our neighbor Stephen 21 birthday so we all went out to the village pub as a general rule i don't drink cause i'm kind of a red neck any ways after a couple of shots of so co and lime and several long island ice teas i was smashed and this guy was talking to my girl and Jessica the girl my cousin was hitting on anyways long story short i guess i made an ass out of my self and got us thrown out of the pub then we stopped at a wendy's to get a burger and i tried to climb over the counter to kick some dick heads ass if it hadn't been for my cousin grabbing a hold of me i would probably be in jail right now.

you see when i was 15 my step mom accused me of molesting my step sister because she walked in on me having phone sex i put her back in bed and that is all that happened this has been 11 years ago and my step sister has just now spoke out and told my other lil sister what happened but that doesn't change the fact that i was charged with rape and locked up where i was brutally beaten and raped by 8 to 10 boys or young men 12 to 17 years old then just thrown in a cell to die.every time my cell door opened it was a fight for my fucking life i stabbed three of them and not one of them fucking died i didn't tell any one until i was almost 18 in another treatment facility because i had been clinically dead twice because of overdosing on drugs and trying to kill the pain.through all of that all that i had was my mom and my sister nonie.anyways the reason that i'm putting all of this down now on line  is because i am getting ready to write a book about my self and my life and how great God is but not only that

see i battle with deep dark demons that as a general rule i defeat see some people who have been hurt their whole life end up hurting others their whole life  i decided that i was not gonna be that man

but you see sometimes when i get drunk all of my anger and pain and depression makes it's way up to the surface and i end up getting into fights or arguments that i would otherwise avoid i don't mean to i'm not an obnoxious drunk i am still a respectful country boy but you know when your sober and some one mean mugs you you can laugh it off but when i am drunk and someone is looking at me like i'm a punk i guess my in securities and anger combined with alcohol wont allow me to let it go

so for who ever is reading this if you have paid the price for my on going battle with my self i am sorry with all that i am unless you deserved it then you got what  you deserved

 

my baby

when amanda lays in my arms everything seems perfect but when i'm wanting to cuddle her and she would rather chat with her guy friends it does make me a little jealous i mean i did meet her on line maybe it is my own insecurities but i dont get on here and chat with a bunch of girls

anyways it is time to go wake up my baby so peace

a tribute to a broken man

when my mom and dad got divorced my mom got with a man that had been a good friend for a long time this man was an alcoholic but he loved God i remember doing bible study at his house when i was like 12

now i love my mom but she can really drive just about any one nuts i'm not saying it was right no man should ever hit any  woman but when a man is trying to sleep or is drunk and u are arguing dont follow him when he walks away

for a long time i hated him for hitting my mom and beating me for trying to protect her then i became a step dad and lived all of the shit i saw growing up

carl is a good man and he taught me a lot about God and the country and chickens and rabbits and even how to grow pot we love you carl

if they only knew

if they only knew the demons i fight,or how heavy your head can get when no matter what you keep it held high trying to laugh and smile and have a happy life with all of this pain i hold deep inside if they only knew why it is so hard to sleep all the memories that i wish i didnt have to keep a man can escape from the cops but there is no escape from your own thoughts

MY WORLD

GROWING UP MY BEST FRIEND WAS ALWAYS MY LITTLE SISTER SHE GOT ME INTO A LOT OF FIGHTS AND EVEN GOT MY ASS KICKED SEVERAL TIMES.WE GREW UP IN A GOOD HOME EVEN THO MY MOM IS KINDA A HIPPIE AND MY DAD IS THE BIKER TYPE WE WERE STILL TAUGHT MORALS AND VALUES.BUT WHEN MY MOM AND DAD GOT DIVORCED MY MOM GOT WITH AN ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC AND MY DAD GOT WITH A CONTROLLING BITCH .MY DAD ABANDONED ME WHEN I WAS 15 AND MY LIFE HAS BEEN A CONSTANT BATTLE OF ADDICTION AND SURVIVING ON MY OWN.BUT NO MATTER HOW BAD I FUCKED UP OR HOW CRAZY AND VIOLENT I GOT OR HOW STRUNG OUT I GOT THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE PERSON THAT NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING IN ME. THAT PERSON IS MY LITTLE SISTER ANONA, OR AS I CALL HER MY NONIE PONY.SHE LOVES ME MORE RESPECTS ME MORE AND BELIEVES IN ME MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS OR EVER WILL.SHE HAS MORE FAITH IN ME THAN EVEN I DO AND WHEN I THINK I CANT DO SOMETHING I REMEMBER THAT MY LITTLE SISTER Doesn't BELIEVE THERE IS ANYTHING THAT I CAN NOT DO AND THEN I JUST DO IT, I HAVE BEEN SHOT IN FRONT OF HER WHILE I WAS IN A KNIFE FIGHT SHE HAS SEEN ME FIGHT GROUPS OF GUYS SHE SAW ME CALL OUT EVERY NIGGER AND GANG BANGER ON NW 10ST OKC.SHE KNOWS THE HEART OF THE MAN I AM AND IF IT WAS NOT FOR HER AND MY MOM I WOULD NOT BE HALF THE MAN THAT I AM. THANK YOU PONY FOR ALWAYS BELIEVING IN ME AND I HAVE PULLED OFF SOME CRAZY SHIT AND I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE CRIED A LOT OF TEARS AND HAD A LOT OF NIGHTMARES BECAUSE OF MY LIFE CHOICES AND STANDING UP FOR MY Beliefs BUT THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM AND THE MIGHTY GOD THAT I SERVE HAS ALWAYS KEPT ME SAFE AND IF HE CHOOSES THAT MY TIME COMES FIGHTING MY Beliefs THAN MY DEATH IS STILL AN HONOR BUT IN SHORT THANK YOU NONIE FOR ALWAYS BELIEVING IN ME

what makes you who you are

what is it that makes you who you are is it your friends your parents your girlfriend your kids or your past.or is it your beliefs

actually it is all of those things my lil sister is having some issues aout how she got where she is today

all i can say is  i dont think there is one person alive that at some time in there life has thought "man i should be so much farther in life by now"

and at the same time everyone has things they have done that they wish they hadn't have done

hearts they should not have broken and bridges they should not have burned

all i know is i've made plenty of mistakes and everyone of those mistakes formed me into the man i am today

and i can say  honestly i am proud of who i am and what i stand for

mistakes,flaws and everything else that makes me me so hold your head high and be proud of you

now i'm really lost

well now i'm completly fucking lost when i first got here i had no problems pleasing my girl in bed and now i guess i can't

for that matter it seems like most of the time i can't please her even though i do everything that i can to try and make her happy it seems as though every attempt i make is just another failure

i am really at a loss as to what to do, i want with all of my heart for this to work.

damn i'm exhausted

man i must be getting fucking old,i can remember a time when i could work 10 to 12 hours a day 7 days a week until it rained and i couldn't work, with no problems i wasn't tired or drained and i have been only working like half as hard as i used to for only like 8 1/2 to 9 hours a day for only 7 days and i'm exhausted and still have 7 more days before i can take a day off.but i have already comitted myself so i'm just gonna have to cowboy up and get through it

working on 4:20

well it looks like i'm gonna be working on 4:20 which kind of sucks because this particular holiday means quite a bit to me.

and not because it's a day dedicated to getting high but because it is the anniversary of the murder of my dear friend HERCULES

my dog that the city of el reno found to be vicious and uncontrollable and ordered to be destroyed on this day several years ago i however thought that i could save my dog and went to the animal control office beat up a dog catcher and took my dog it caused me to go through a high speed chase and yes i got caught and went to jail but anyways Friday i blaze for the dog

well today is my second day ar barr lumber it really is a cake job

and my boss likes me so i'm gonna be able to get like 10 hours of overtime every pay check that will definatly help

plus my scheduled days off our different from amanda's which in a way sucks cause we won't have as much time together but when he's got work i can work with dave on my days off.and then once a month or so i can trade days with someone so that amnada and i and the boys can go do something 

i start work today

well i start my new job today , so i am happy about that

now at least i'll have a steady pay check so i can help amanda with the bills and afford to go do things w/her and the boys

and also save money so amanda can have a good vacation

i know she needs and deserves one badly and i'm gonna make sure she gets it

POETRY ON POT

I MIGHT NOT DRESS TO IMPRESS BUT I BET I PASS THE TEST

I'M NOT SAYING I'M THE BEST JUST A CUT ABOVE THE REST

JUST A FUCKING HICK BOY FULL OF WISDOM & KNOWLEDGE

GOT SOME ON THE STREETS NOT TO MENTION PRISON AND

COLLEGE , LET ME TELL TELL YOU THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN

BUT I ALWAYS TRY MY BEST TO COME AS CLOSE AS I CAN

OTHER PEOPLE MAY NOT SEE IT CAUSE MY VIEWS ARE SOMETIMES DIFFERENT FROM THE NORM

YES I SPANK MY KIDS AND NO I DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS WAR

WE SHOULD HAVE KILLED ALL THEM BASTARDS BACK IN DESERT STORM

I PREFER SMOKING POT OVER DRINKING BUT SOMETIMES I DRINK TO

AND I HAVE LIVED THROUGH SOME THINGS THAT NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TOO

I DON'T WANT NO FUCKING Pity JUST WRITING WHILE I'M HIGH

SO IF YOUR READING THIS SOBER MAY I ASK U WHY

SMOKE A BIG FAT JOINT AND READ IT AGAIN IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT TWICE

i just want this to work

i just want this to work i do not want my heart broke again cause i do not think i could handle it again.

i think that amanda is a great woman but i think that her gaurd is way up and she won't let me close

i just want her to believe in us because i do

WELL I DIDNT WRITE ANYTHING TODAY

WELL I DIDNT START MY BOOK TODAY BUT I DID GET CALLED BACK ABOUT A JOB THE GUY THAT DOES THE HIRING CALLED ME IN TO FILL OUT ANOTHER APPLICATION AND THIS TIME PUT THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY HOW BOUT THAT

i guess i'm gonna start my first book today

i guess i'm gonna stop bull shiting and start my first book today

the title will be

                               THEY CALLED ME COWBOY

I HAVE SEVERAL SPIRALS WITH IDEA'S FOR BOOKS

TITLES WROTE DOWN SO THAT WHEN I SEE THEM IT JOGS MY MEMORY.

AND JOURNALS FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE

NOT TO MENTION SPIRALS FULL OF POETRY AND SONGS AND THOUGHT PIECES ARTICLES.

BUT AFTER HOW INTERESTED KIM AND HER SISTER WERE WHEN I TOLD THEM MY LIFE STORY AND MENTIONED MAKING IT INTO A MOVIE.I GUESS IT IS TIME TO MOVE FOWARD ON MY WRITING

happier than i've ever been

why is it when guys talk about their girlfriends they automatically assume we are bitching about them.i talk about my girl all the time to everybody,not cause i'm bitching about her but because she is on my mind the most.i've never been happier or had more respect for a woman in my entire life.now granted sometimes my own in securities causes me to start having doubts or to expect the worst.that is just something i have to work on no one can do that for me.choices i have made and past relationships are responsible for those in  and doubts.i can honestly say that i feel like the Lord has blessed me with the best lady in all the world.she is

gorgeous,sexy,and sweet

strong and independents

self sufficient and responsible

she's everything i ever wanted and everything i need

she's everything to me

just baked

man i'm so fuckin baked i forgot what i was gonna write

man i feel like shit

my stomach started hurting last night about an hour before bed

and i've been up and down all night not to mention i think i'm allergic to one of these desert plants cause i've never had a problem w/allergies but every morning my dadgum throat hurts and my nose is runny for about an hour or two

other than not feeling well and my grandfather being in icu trying to recover from his gastric by pass surgery everything is great in my life

MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT BEING WRONG

                     MAYBE MY ANGEL IS HAPPY

BUT MAYBE SOMETIMES I'M JUST A LITTLE STUPID

I GUESS I'M STILL JUST NOT USED TO BEING WITH A LADY

AND SOMETIMES I OFFEND HER W/OUT MEANING TO

I JUST WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I THINK SHE IS GREAT

AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT I MET HER AND THAT SHE HAS GIVEN ME A CHANCE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH HER AND HERS WITH ME

maybe things are not as great as i thought

well i thought every thing was going great with me and AMANDA,but i guess maybe i was wrong.

she said i was insensitive and i think maybe sometimes i annoy her

i cant help it that i'm playfull,and i am one of the most sensitive guys i know because i do truly care what my girl thinks.

anyways blah blah blah

i guess i'm gonna go back to bed

was it me

AMANDA WAS CRYING LAST NIGHT AND SHE WONT TELL ME WHY.

i dont know if it was something i said or did all i know is there is nothing i can do to make it better if i dont even know what it was that caused it

she says that it does not matter but to me it does i f i did something to hurt her feelings i want to know so i don't do it again

and if it is not me i would still like to know so maybe i can do something to make it better

you can do it jay

a real good friend of mine left re-hab yesterday,he called me last night and i guess he smashed out a cho-mo{or for u that dont know that means child molester} jason is a good friend of mine and i know that he can do this.but if u are reading this a prayer or 2 wouldn't hurt

who knows

i'm fucking beat,ready to smoke a bowl and can't get any weed,but i got to work with amanda's step dad again today so i have given her 150 dollars this week end that makes me feel better i  have been having a hard time finding a job so i was starting to feel like a bum.but i have given her like 250 dollars this week. now i just hope i get a job or her step dad still has some work

at least i'm making money

well i never did find a steady job but i got to go hang dry wall at Amaada's moms house yesterday and today i'm gonna finish her office and help Amanda's step dad drop an engine in his truck