me and my lil country boys

so my nephews and i gathered a whole bunch of copper today, a couple hundred dollars worth, not bad for a man with no career or future, and still with no real job i make more than a glorified ass wiper, to me thats some funny shit see i moved to a place this trick has lived most of her life and with in 2 weeks i was already making more money than her but she wants to talk like i dont have anything, never a day in my life have i had to worry about what my future may hold. my plans are definatly subject to change but one thing thats for sure i have never done with out

the next few entries are poems that i have wrote since i've been home, some i wrote after fucking up and getting high others i wrote just because i could not sleep and needed to get it out.they may leave the impression that i'm sad or depressed but that really isn't the case i feel pretty good except for the times i've broke weak and gotten high, i think about amanda less and less and i only allow myself to think about jonathan and jerimiah 10 or 12 times a day, no doubt about it i gave those boys all of my heart and they will always have their place there. but i'm gonna be fine and i'm gonna make through what ever life throws my way, i always have and always will

what i know i can do

not a strong man, not easy to scare

we can scrap in the streets

or grab our guns i dont care

dont have no reverse in me and rarley do i flee

raised by the streets, slept in alley's behind dirty bars

i've robbed buisnesses and even stolen cop cars

not the life i had chosen as a boy in my youth

but so far the life i've lived has got me through

it's time for something different a chance to make my life new

but everytime i fail at that

i go back to what i know i can do

one foot in front of the other

one foot in front of the other is enough to make a man move

one foot in front of the other

damn how many times have those words got me through

one foot in front of the other as my life passes by

one foot in front of the other

why the fuck do i even try

help

the nights are cold and lonley, my thoughts keep me awake

and i often wonder, just how many times can a heart break

my answer comes

one heartbreak at a time

but i just keep on smiling pretending everything is fine

it's starting to catch up to me

thats a lie, i've already been caught and pinned down

i scream for help in my darkness, but for me no help can be found

more blah blah blah

i keep slipping and trying not to fall

i keep trying to run and can not even crawl

i know i'm smart enough, and strong enough to 

but for some fucking reason

i can not seem to do the things i'm supposed to

sneaking around trying to get high tell another story cause it's a fucking lie

it's hard for me to believe that it was just a month ago

that i had a good job and didnt do dope

for me it's so easy to be what i've always been

but i want to be the california me, i want to be him again

will i ever make it

will i ever make it, can i live right, trying to beat addiction, is a never ending fight

it was so easy 1200 miles away, a little desert town, in an entirely different state

i thought i had a good woman, with two wonderful little boys

and ever so briefly they filled my life with joy

then her real feelings came out and her true side was shown

and she made it very clear that she never loved joe

7 days in a semi, 7 days on the road

this broken hearted cowboy made his long journey home

all my time clean and not breaking the law

went right down the drain with a single trip to ma's

shooting dope and robbing folks no body in cali would reconize joe

do i not deserve love

do i not deserve love, you know the magical kind

   have i not proven myself worthy

          oh so many times

honest and faithful ,sensitive and kind

gentle and understanding

there are not many men of my kind

but all of my efforts have never seemed to do me any good

because time and time again my love is thrown out

just as easily as if it had been trash or leftover food

last night

so i talked with amanda  on line for a while last night and it made me wonder how i ever felt anything for that fake ass ho. whats funnier is she keeps calling me un educated and the first time she called me that she mis spelled un educated how funny. whats funnier than that is all she has is a high school diploma and wipes asses for a living. while i have a g.e.d  12 credit hours of college all of which was at a 4.0 g.p.a. on top of that i have completed an electrical vo-tech and have over 5 years experience in the trade of roofing and framing.

but on  a note a lot closer to my heart and my home michelle is doing okay she may actually leave ricky this time.she called last night to tell me how her dr. appointment went and to tell me that she had chandler  for the last two days. michelle you can do it sweet heart i have faith in you i know you can be that girl i met almost two years ago

the boys and i are getting ready to go to work scrapping metal i'll say this my trip to california was not in vain you know i learn something every where i go you know a little more knowledge to add to my un educated mind

time for a re-count

well lets take a re-count mikey makes one josh makes two three would be me and now your newest so again ho

as for me i have everything i need so if that is nothing than nothing is fine by me

and dont kid yourself i dont want back in your life you are definatley my past and as for stalking peoples life you are the one still commenting to my journal so who is stalking who you get real and leave me alone you were just another mistake on my long list of mistakes

some funny shit

to michelle my poem placed no blame on you "homie" just my feelings

on a funny ass note i guess while i was at michelles brothers house with her amanda wrote in her journal about me but had deleted her whole journal before i got home

but the jest of it was this i'm a loud mouth broke ass dead beat dad trailor park hick

so now lets examine the words spoken by a fat, loose, lazy project ass apartmemnt whore who's never been away from home on her own.

yes mam i am broke right now and i did come up there with nothing

but while i was there i made pretty good money and gave almost all of it to you

stupid me, fear no man and trust no bitch

so for that i knew better

now moving right along i'll get loud mouth trailor park hick all in one, yes mam i am loud and i back every bit of it. i'm not rude, or disrespectful and i do not throw my weight around i make sure i'm heard and treated with respect because i listen and treat others with respect

are you that fucking dunb or do you just not listen i dont live in a trailor park bitch, my family has land

and it is an honor for me to be called cowboy, redneck,hill billy,or hick

now as for my relationship with my step kids that is for one thing none of your fucking buisness but since you brought it up lets look at that i became a step dad at 18, i am 26 now and their mother and i have been split up for 3 years and i have never once turned my back on any one of them

those are my kids

now lets look at you mommy amanda you have two kids with 2 dads and neither one of them are around why because your a cold hearted spoiled bitch you bring different guys in and out like a revolving door i've only known you like 4 months and i can name 4 guys thats been in your bed, yeah that kinda makes you a whore

on to my next and final subject mom if you dont like what you read in my journal then do not read it.i'm not gonna change it or alter it to your liking and it is all truth except for carl didnt really hit you he just threw you around and choked you but that did not rhyme so to the world if this will make my  mommy fucking feel better carl never really hit her just abused her physically and emotionally but he really did hit me and i guess it was my fault because now my mom is saying i was supposed to have just watched them fight and do nothing to help so more blame i can take yay

to the rest of the world good night and i am doing okay i got a part time job today under the table so it wont fuck with me getting my crazy check, thanks michelle much love homie oh just cause cant believe in us doesnt mean i dont believe in you

to my little sister

before i clean up the mess me and dillan made in your living room

i just wanted to say thank you nonie for always believing in me even when i could not belive in myself there were so many times that i fell and the only reason i got back up was because i knew that you believed i would.

because of you i have been able to do things i otherwise could not do

i had a sheltered cunt in california tell me she couldn't be with someone who could not think for himself or be his own man

let me tell you something i'm damn sure my own man and been very blessed to have a ride or die sister that was there to hold me when i could not stand

inside of me

i gave her my trust, and all of the love in my heart

i know all of her flaws and how cold she can be

but that hs not changed the love i have for her

    inside of me

i gave up once yes i even left state

told myself i was moving on hell i could see no other way

i was only gone for three months the girl i went up there for

turned out to be a cunt

not really heart broken, but my feelings a little hurt

walking 10 miles a day, trying to find work

michelles leaving ricky, i guess he beat her again, and still she chooses him

even though i used to be her man

i made her a promise that i would never turn my back

and if she needed my help, all she had to do was ask

i never knew how hard that promise would be to keep

because she never fails to ask for my help

when i'm almost back on my feet

i try to be strong and not let my feelings show\

but come on now does she really expect anything else out of joe

every time she leaves him i do all that i can

just to be here for her, as a friend not her man

but how i truly feel that i'll never hide

because a man can't change

how he really feels inside

but i've run out of patience and michelle ran out of time

because i've grown oh soweary

from doing this so many times

working men

so dillan and i have been working our butts off ever since we got home we were stuck at michelles brothers for almost a week but even though  she ran back to her woman beater we all still had a pretty good time. i know dillan did we live out in the country so he doesn't get to play with other kids that often so he had a good time

boo hoo ho

abandoned as a child, accused of unthinkable things , locked in a cage with animals that looked just like men so i guess this is it this is where my story begins

accused of raping my step sister, my own father turned his back

i'm not sure if he ever really believed i did it or was he just securing his harley and covering his own back  ,locked in a juvenile detention

beaten and raped so completly  ashamed that i didn't even want to see my own face upon my release i went to live with  my grandfather but he was way to strict so i went back to my moms

my step dad had a drinking problem and my mom loves to bitch when you cobine the two it eaquals my mom getting hit i tried to protect her i tried to be stong

and just the other day my mother informed me, for that to i was wrong i spent lots of nights walking just me and my dog because it was always me who wound up homeless when carl hit my mom i finally got my lisence and even bought myself a car i was never at home but from my sister i was never far things got worse with each day that passed by i was to young to know it then but most of the reasons were because women cheat and lie i promised my mom if she left him i would help her pay the bills i was working at a pizza joint but when  i started my second job i got pretty strung out i drove my sister to school and the babies to daycare then rushed right home to find some work clothes to wear it didnt take long and we had enough for a trailor that we could call our home cause the sands motel is no kinda home we all got moved in and for once it looked like things would be okay until my mom decided she needed a dope phene stray we bumped heads from the very start he tried to act like my dad[and worthless as he may be] mike couldn't fill the part one night my mother and i had a little fight she kicked me out no big deal happened all the time leave for the night let us both calm down come home tomorrow and work our problems out  i guess i had a death wish lord knows i hated being alive but i guess God doesn't want me dead cause he damn sure knows how hard at death i tried the next morning i really dont remember another one of the Lords miracles that ieven made it home only to have a jobless junkie tell me that this was no longer my home i'm not sure what fucking bill he paid at our fucking house that gave him any fucking right and it did start a fight well if you could call it that a grown man and a 17 year old kid so fucked up i could barely walk damn he's a big man i remember being at the hospital and hearing my p.o say he's going back and that is all it took to make me crack i swallowed 2 bags of pills and pulled out my knife all i really knew was i needed to get out side as i walked out the doors pepperspray spattered my eyes and then i was on the ground that cost me 9 more months of my life but this time i was locked up with a bunch of child molesters two weeks before i turned 18 they finally let me go but drugs were all iknew tha would kill the pain inside of joe i needed money for weed so i stole some money from my grandparents got caught and was homeless again

[i deserved to be thrown out that time] learned a hard lesson from that mistake 10 years later and every time my grampa looks at me it's with that dissappointed face i got my girst apartment but not long after lost my job went from cleaning showers at a truck stop to standing on the corner slangin rocks it wasn't easy being the only white boy selling crack in the hood during all of this i got  pretty strung out i was staying in a motel pimping out this street whore when i decided to call my mom to get clean 

                                                            to be continued i  got shit to do 

MY OWN MAN

i'm my own man, i think for myself , only take advice from my sister and no other no words can describe the bond shared between my sister and her brother

people trying to tell me all of the things that i need to do and i just wish they'd shut the fuck up i live for me not you, you dont have to agree with me but take me as i am cause people trying to change me for that i wont stand i ride my own heat and pay for my own mistakes but all of mikes fucking yap yap yappin is really more than i can take

MORE OF MY INNER ME

IF MY THOUGHTS COULD KILL ME I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD ALONG TIME AGO BUT I JUST KEEP ON LIVING , WHY I TORMENT MYSELF LIKE THIS I MAY NEVER KNOW WHETHER IT BE HEART BREAK AND EMOTIONS OR MEMORIES FROM THE PAST AND IF IT'S NOT ANY OF THAT THEN IT'S CAUSE I DID ONE MORE LAST BLAST

WHAT EVER MAY BE THE REASON THE RESULT REMAINS THE SAME

TRY TO KEEP ON SMILING AND HIDING ALL OF THE  PAIN

where is superman at

              i can't seem to find myself , the real me buried deep inside

                          battered and broken, the real me has to hide

                                                so i live how i live

                                         it's no act or a show

                                                             it's just a damn shame

 this is the only i, i seem to be able to show

                          lots of people think they know me

                                                 to them this is who i am

   for some reason they could never imagine that i am really a much better man

for me it's quite the opposite i still see myself as that man and when i really think about it i can't believe i am the way i am i know that i'm better than this

i've done good several times before but when shit gets sideways i only know how to handle it in one way HEAVILY SELF MEDICATE NUMB THE PAIN AWAY

soft whispers

soft loving whispers, all turn out to be lies

          how can such a cold heart, live behind such beautiful eyes

she tells you she loves you , your all she'll ever need

       then before you know it this bitch is telling you to leave

emotions

joy seems to escape me but my pain is always there

   happiness flees from me, but hurt is always prepared

love loves to mock me, with women who do not care

how much more can i take

                   how much more must i bare

sleepless night

i close my eyes and try to go to sleep in the same bed michelle told me how much she loved and missed me as we fucked again for the first time in a long while

but i knew it in the morning i could tell by the look on her face

that tonight she would be staying at ricky's place, she tried to deny it as she pulled away

and i wanted so badly to believe her so i decided to stay all day long i wondered

hoping this time that i could be wrong, but in my heart i knew i wasn't all along

this was her last chance to have my help as a friend

and even if hell does freeze over never again will i be her man

same old song and dance

well i've helped michelle leave ricky for the last time, and i wont ask my family to put them self out again so they can help her play her little games

if she really needs something and has no one else to call i'm sure i wont turn my back. i'm not nearly as cold hearted as several women i know i guess that is why it is so hard for me to comprehend how easy they make being heartless look

a little nervous

okay so now i'm a little nervous

the last time i saw michelle i was still completly stuck on amanda BUT NOW AMANDA IS BARELY EVEN A MEMORY

and i remember how deeply i loved michelle how i would have done anything for her

i remember stopping by papa's for money and there being a number

it was chanda michelle was trying to get a hold of me, after court i waited for a day and a half until she finally called

she wanted me back but not the me i had become she would have went crazy hell i almost have went crazy

so she went back to ricky and i honestly never blamed her for that how could i blame her when i would have done the same thing if i was woman with kids

but whats gonna happen now

well she is here we will see

she's on her way

so michelle left ricky, she is on her way now to pick up me and dillon so i can go to the scrap yard

i loved this girl like no other at one time and she hurt me bad real bad

one thing i know for fact she really did and does love me,, amanda never did

see i promised michelle a real long time ago that i would never give up on her as a person and that if she really needed something i would always be there and i keep my promises all except one sorry nonie

so she will be here in like an hour

on another note amanda finally got to get out of her lil desert project apartment it's about time yay for amanda maybe she will finally get off of her momma's tit  probably not

soldier

so i've been called and called myself a soldier so many times but how much of a soldier am i

never ran from a man or group of men, well except jay and a tire iron lol

but over the years i've ran from myself, or hid my true self, killed my true self and numbed my self with drugs

when things are good my true self can be seen and i'm all good, but when shit starts going sideways in my life i've always had a crutch to supress all of my hurts and pains that i've really never dealt with just kept locked away and numbed with a needle

and now that I AM trying to stay clean i'm not being able to handle myself i can't handle my own thoughts my own memories, losses mistakes

there are only a few words in my heart that keep me going

can't means won't and you will

           one foot in front of another keeps a man moving boy

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER

               but my feet are getting heavy

and i'm not even sure what i keep putting one foot in front of the other for

losing it

i'm not really sure what is going on inside me i have always kinda prided myself on being this strong individual that would not let anything break me

i went to the city monday to continue job hunting and the only good thing that came out of that trip was i got to see my grandfather.

anyways i went to see chasity now remember her father is a crankster gangster, an old school gunslinger. and he wanted to kill me. when she opened the door she said i you sure are bound and determined.

i said bound and determined to what she said either hook up with me or have my daddy kill you i'm just not sure wich one it is that you really want.

i told her hell this aint nothing like that i'm here as a friend and i know your daddy wants me dead i just much rather be killed fighting face to face then to let someone shoot me in the back besides that i go where i want when i want say what i want when i want cause i'm me and just cause someone might want to kill me that wont stop me hell others have tried and more will come and i will always be joe

anyways about that time he pulled up plumb spun and a lil crazy looking  when he came in instead of going back to his room like he had been doing he sat down on the couch everyone continued their conversations until i said can we handle this like men.

on that note he revealed the 44 magnum that i guess had been in his hand the whole time . I said no like men without the blades, heaters, and bloody mess on your daughters floor

long story short that's handled

so i leave and went to catch the bus and the fucking bus driver didnt stop, so i ran the 3 quarters of a mile to the next stop he would hit on the way back through i got there in time but when he opened the doors he was all grinning at me like he did that shit on purpose. i took my seat and a couple stops later a lil old lady got on in a wheel chair and this piece of shit just kept being rude to her. i took it as long as i could then i pulled the stop request cord standing before he could even slow down and screaming and yelling at this fat fucking bus driver about how fucking rude he was i noticed he was reaching for his lil taser and out of reflex i slung opened my knife his taser was stuck so i told him he didnt know how close to death he had just came and got off of the bus.

i damn near killed that piece of shit that scared me a lil because i know that i would not even have been remorseful about taking his life only destroying mine

so ricky broke michelles computer and slammed her head into a wall she called and said she was gonna try to go to her brothers he lives in the next town over she said if she made it she was gonna stop here first, i woke up alone so i guess she didn't make it i called her homegirls but got no answer my sister is in el reno right now at my moms so if you read this michelle nonie is there she will help

so i think i'm checking myself into the nut house before i go off and kill somebody

momma

i'm sorry for the things i said but now you need to hear me

it wasn't your toothless punk of an old man that gave you money at the sands motel so we could get into a trailor but you threw me out soon after he got there

it wasn't him getting his ass kicked by carl trying to help you

for almost 12 years i've put up with his shit and i have been telling you how it makes me feel for like three years and ever since i got back i've told you he needs to shut his mouth before i kick his ass

i tried to tell you at sharons and you told me to shut up i went in the living and looked michelle right in the eye and told her alright i'm done next time i'm just gonna sock him

i guess i lied cause it happened again and everyone says i disrespected your house well i'm so fucking sorry but every muscle in my body was tense and it took everything i had not to kick his ass so i left not disrespecting you at all

but what did you do you wanted to follow me outside screaming and yelling just like you used to do to carl right before he would beat you

i'm sorry for disrespecting you i love you more than anything in the world next to nonie it is a sin but i think i love my sister even more than i love god

i hope i'm wrong about that cause if so that will be what sends me to hell but know this i would go to hell and back for her

but because of the night before last the next time i see mike i'm gonna kick his ass like he's never experienced and that sucks because it will probably be at thanksgiving well unless i'm not allowed to come because of that comment but he has proven to me that that is exactly what it's gonna take to make him shut up.and i'm sorry it has to be like this but you and him have made it that way

him because he can't stop running his mouth even to someone who could kick his ass with out even breaking a sweat and you for not telling him to leave everytime he starts and meaning it

i have not had a visit with you in 11 years without listenig to him put me down hell not even a phone call where i didn't have to listen to him in the background even when i was in california doing right

so i'm gonna ask you this who really disrespected you your son who out of respect for you has taken it for years when i could have kicked his ass at any time and made it stop or the sissy that you call a husband that won't do it on a job site or in his truck or even when your not home in fact he doesn't normally even do it when it's just me you and him

no the punk waits until my sister and mom and dustin are there why cause in my opinion he is a scary bitch

so at this point none of that matters because after the next time i see him he wont address me by anything but sir that i promise

long long week

thursday i walked like 12 miles job hunting, then i helped a hitch hiker get money off of his benifits card. so he rented a room and took me to the titty bar he left early but i closed er down

on the way back to the room i stopped by chasity's her husband and i used to be friends or so i thought.when i came in she smiled real big you know the ear to ear kind of smile then she said i don't know if you should be here so i asked her if she was asking me to leave she said of course not but my dad wants to kill you and he will be here in a minute i told her that i knew that when i walked up but i still walked up

when her dad got there it got crazy for a minute but she told him this is my house he went outside with his knife so i got mine and started to go out she said no he'll come in in a min just watch him anyways we ended up going to the lake and watching the sun come up before we went to braums for some biscuits and gravy then she took me back to my room so i could sleep

when we woke up shane said he wanted some weed so i called chasity when she got there she asked if i wanted to run some errands with her

on the way back to the room she asked if i minded if we made a pit stop i said no not at all so we went to this little bar on the s.e side of okc, now thats my type of girl she aint no scared lil fake ass ho thats a bad side of okc and a bad ass lil biker pub

several buckets of beer and about four double crown and cokes later it was  time to go things got pretty hot and heavy in the car on the way home while she was driving we couldn't keep our hands off of each other i was pulling her hair and biting her neck when she almost hit a van but that didnt even slow us down

when we got back to the room i wound up beating shane up for disrespecting chas and  i made him leave so we could be alone when i got in bed with her she started kinda flipping out cause she married lenny on valentines day and even though she is fed up and made those vows based on the lies he told her those vows are real to her

the next day i went to roof a house on like 3 hours of sleep and hung over my brother in law and i got into it mainly cause i was hot tired andhungover but i walked off

then when we all got to my moms mike started running his mouth again lol i just realized something he always waits until he is around my mom to do that shit he could've done it on the way home but he always waits until my mom is around

anyways i've let that loud mouth sissy disrespect me for the last time

 

independance day

THIS IS SO FUCKING YOU I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE MY EYES

so that is a comment my lil sister sent me and she knows you can't break me

and this is who i am to her and my nephews and my lil sister rachel

and that never ceases to amaze me since i have been a junkie,thief,killer been to prison but i have never paraded around like something i'm not always been honest and ready to die for mine something like a soldier

but i've been doing a lot of thinking i have let my family down so many times

and then get my shit together only to fuck everything off again

when i got back from california i had 7 months clean

and was not back a week

before i was getting high and hitting licks

then my partner tried to kill me so i called my sister to let her know what just happened i told her i would call in about an hour but it started raining and i had hell getting where i was going pointe is i did not call and my sister and mom went looking in el reno at houses they should not have had to go

because they know me and some of my friends, it kind of hurt my feelings that my mom and sister thought i was in a gutter dead somewhere

i was raised by them there streets shot,stabbed, run over three times

and this much i know you can't kill me till GOD says so

but i think i have a job building coils for electric poles it's 10 dollars an hour and cake

i can put a trailor on lot one and honestly i think thats what i need to do to stay clean

stay close to my sister

 

 

 

they should almost be home

well chris came and got hunter and nonie and dustin should be here any minute now with a hootie to smoke then it's sweet dreams for me this day has been way to fucking long

worn out

these boys have done nothing but cried and whined all day i am so ready for my sister to get here.

hell i am ready to eat dinner and go to bed

dustin managed to wake me up

so dustin managed to wake me up before he left wich sucks cause i tossed and turned all night wondering how she can already have some dude posted up like i never meant anything at all to her

i guess that would make nonie correct again when she said amanda never cared for me like she put on that she did

what i can't figure is why a woman would be talking about marraige and having kids together one day and then end it all over one little argument

and then to add insult to injury have her newest john answer the phone when i called

all i can say is she had a good man and she threw me away

she will be damn lucky to find another man like me and even if she does she will take him for granted and fuck it up

 

damn she moves fast

so i called amanda today and some guy answered the phone

damn she moves fast already has another man around those precious boys

i hope she knows what she's doing but i'd have never imagined her to be such a whore

just the cowboy in me

so for years i have said i was gonna ride a bull and this year is the year i think it is august that i can do it i'll have to make sure. my cousin chris said if i did it he would i dont know if he knew that i was for real and it doesn't matter if he rides or not i'm going to

i'm hoping that serena is here when i do it cause one thing i have always been able to count on is her faith in me it is not as strong as my sisters hell no ones is, but with both of them there i bet i get my 8 seconds

i might not make it look good like a cowboy but i'm not looking for a career or a medal just a thrill

so this morning amanda is probably waking up with jeff, wonder if he's gonna tell her how beautiful she is, or if he is gonna carry miah to the potty and let him know that it's alright cause he doesn't like waking up. or if he is gonna take interests in johnathons life, his feelings and desires  his goals and fears

some bitch told me yesterday that i live in the past and that i'm waiting for something i want but cant have

i guess that is true

because i still wake up expecting amanda to be beside me and the boys to be just a room away,, watching cartoons if it's a week end or sleeping soundly monday through friday.

but tell me this how do you not think about it if that is what you put all of yourself into plans dreams and goals

sure i've made new plans set new goals, but the fact is they are still in my dreams

guess that's just the cowboy in me