Sunday, December 28, 2008
READY TO GIVE UP
well anyone who knows me knows im not a quitter maybe that is why addiction has always kicked my ass. lol but no really i think im at the end of my rope, ive been busting my ass this last year with work and school but for why my felonies are all still there i cant get a drivers licence i still dont have a good job. my world seems to be crumbling around me and i dont know what to do i have to move by the first and I dont know where to cause i still havent found a place i could move back to my land but that would make me feel like a coward cause i ran again. i have to beat my addiction here and i dont want to leave rachel. and the truth is i am scared im scared of moving cause i know me and i know that i fuck up i try to make fast money i fuck up and get high. i just dont know what to fucken do and i have a short time to figure it out. well im gonna get off of here and try to figure some shit out
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IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE U BEAT YOUR ADDICTION AS LONG AS IT GETS BEAT...EXCUSES ARE OLD I MEAN REAL OLD... THERE COMES A TIME IN LIFE THAT YOU GRAB THE STRAPS OF YOUR BOOTS AND COWBOY UP AND DO THE DANM THING. YOU WOULD THINK AFTER 15 YEARS THAT WE MAY HAVE MADE SOME PROGRESS BUT NO...EVERY WINTER IT'S THE SAME BULL SHIT ME AND MOM SIT AND WORRY AND GET PISSED AND CRY OUR EYES OUT BECAUSE OUR CHRISTMAS GETS RUINED BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE YOU THERE BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN GETTING HIGH WAS MORE IMPORTANT.. NOTHING CHANGES. WILL IT EVER CHANGE? WILL WE EVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS WHERE JOE ISN'T HIGH AND IS THERE WITH THE FAMILY AT LEAST PRETENDING TO CARE. I'M NOT MEANING TO SOUND LIKE A BITCH BUT I SAT AT MOMS CHRISTMAS EVE NIGHT CRYING AND BEING PISSED ALL NIGHT BECUASE YOU WERE THERE JUST TOO FUCKING HIGH TO COME IN AND SPEND TIME WITH US AND MY BOYS THAT HURT I MEAN THAT HURT SO FUCKING BAD I DIDN'T EVEN CARE IF YOU SHOWED UP AT THE FARM..YOU PROMISED YOU FUCKING PROMISED THAT YOU WOULDN'T DO ANY MORE LIKE THAT FRIDAY OR SOME SHIT BUT NOPE THAT MEANT NOTHING. YOU DIDN'T JUST PROMISE ME YOU PROMISED RCH TOO. I HAD TO GET THIS OUT I'VE BEEN DWELLING FOR DAYS ON IT BUT FINALLY I COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE SOME THINGS STAY THE SAME. I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE ENTIRE HEART AND THAT MY DEAR IS ONE THING THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.. MY FAITH ON THE OTHER HAND THAT HAS CHANGED I CAN'T POOR ALL MY FAITH IN SOMEONE WHOM OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH FAITH IN THIERSELF. I'M SO TIRED BUBBA IT'S HONESLY KILLING ME TO KEEP DOING THIS. MY CHILDREN ARE GETTING OLDER AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE MAJOR MALE INFLUENCES IN THEIR LIFE I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO TELL THEM NOT TO DO THE SHIT YOU'VE DONE LET THEM SEE THE OBSTACLES YOU OVERCOME NOT LOOK AT YOU AND SAY MY UNCLE JOE DOES THIS OR THAT I WANT THEM TO SAY MY UNCLE JOE OVERCAME THAT HE WAS STRONG AND BEAT THAT I CAN DO IT TO.. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW I'M NOT TRYING TO BITCH I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT...LOOK AT YOUR ADDICTION LIKE AN ARMY..YOU JOE MOTHERFUCKIN POWERS WOULD TAKE ON THAT ARMY ALL ALONE IF U HAD TO AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO DEFEAT IT..EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER AND YOU'RE NOT ALL ALONE...DEFEAT IT BEFORE IT DESTROYS YOUR FAMILY
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