suicidal thoughts

when everyone is enjoying holiday cheer, that is the time i most want to disappear suicidal thoughts invade my brain, so much anguish, to much pain. i fight my feelings the best i can, when i run out of fight there i am again. at the local dope house self medicate, because this pain I can not take. no my lifes not a party i dont get high to have a good time, i just want these memories out of my mind. i try to stay focused keep my eye on the ball, but everytime i stumble, every time i fall. i keep picking myself up and only God knows why, because personally i feel like im all out of tries.