well i was inducted into phi theta kappa an honor society at school, but i have been fucking up a whole lot here lately, and really i am scared to death of not making, but i have to, i cant have come this far to not finish it. I have done so well this last year in school and the truth is I did that by only half assing it. I didnt have to put out no where near my best efforts at any time in my college experience thus far. but my boss sent me a text this evening saying that he didnt think that he needed me tomorrow and that we would talk about thursday tomorrow sometime. I can not afford to be unemployed, i just overvcame, let me re phrase that God just pulled me through one financial situation that had i not of figured something out it was the one that was gonna break me, now this. I try not to let all of the pressure build up. I try not to dwell in the past, i try not to get high on meth, but honestly all im ever doing is trying and i try try try, to normally say why why why. i guess im really to chicken shit to pull all of myself into something because if i do that and fail, well i know something that at one time was all i knew, and if i fail after giving it everything ive got im afraid of where i might go or how i might act, simply because im a jack ass, i like fast cars i like fast women and at one time i loved fast money and drugs. i gave that life all i had. and it was all i knew, and now with the life that i am trying to live sometimes i feel lost, like i dont know how to act or maybe that i know how im supposed to act but im not ready to any ways wah wah wah blah blah blah the balls in my court my hands and its up to me no one to blame if i fail no but or because its do or die sink or swim and ill either make it or i wont but relapses short comings failures and all im gonna fail trying if i fail and if i do make it it well damn sure be because i fought tooth and nail for it cause i have and its not much. just a little reputation, but i know that i have always known where i stood and always knew where i was standing when the smoke cleared , and that is by the people i loved and i am so thankful for all of the many times i have failed and they have still stood beside me.