when she says she loves me

so Amanda has spoken these words twice now I LOVE YOU both times she was laying her head on my chest and everything just felt so perfect when she says it she kinda blurts it out not because the words are un true but because the fact that it is true scares the fuck out of her she was in was in an abusive relationship with an unfaithful piece of shit that is a disgrace like real men like my self so sometimes when we fight i think she expects me to act like him so much that she even acts as though i am acting like him but i already knew all of that when i hopped on that bus and she is worth fighting for and being patient and earning her trust the reason that it is so easy to understand is because i to had just been recently hurt so i know how hard it is to trust and believe and open  your heart  up again after it has just been betrayed and broken believe me i struggle with the same thing myself daily i still find my self wondering can it be true have i really found some one that will love me and cherish me and appreciate all that i am willing to do  to make sure that she is getting the happiness and joy out of life that she deserves i just need her to trust in me and believe in me i need her to support my decisions even if she does not understand them or even at times if she down right disagrees with the decision that i am about to make i need her to trust in the fact that i always have my  reasons  and that i would not make a decision that would endanger her or our boys and that i consider her and the boys and our life  together on every decision that i have to make even on the littlest of things i think of them first i want so badly to  give her and our kids everything that they have wanted and deserved for so long now and buy all rights they should have been getting all along it is a simple need just a loving  stable home life with a loving father and mother and for Amanda a loving honest faithful man that will be a good father and husband some one she can learn to depend on and not  be disappointed in her decision to trust again Amanda you asked me if i really loved you tonight and i want you to know that i love deeper and more passionately than any man that you have ever known i have still been keeping  part of myself and my heart guarded and have been having a little bit of trouble completely opening up my heart and myself to you i guess the truth is i am still completely terrified of being betrayed again and having my heart crushed all over again there were so many times right before the LORD blessed me with you that i sat in my room all alone with a fat sack of dope a brand new box of needles and every time that i though about something painful i would just do another bump  and sit  lost confused lonely completely broken the thought of dyeing actually brought me comfort i robbed gangsters and killers and then went and partied at their clubs  even bragged about it to their homies and i guess even some killers can be some bitches and now when i think back on it i can not imagine feeling that low and i can not imagine having amanda and her two precious sons taken out of my life i t would be to much i think