man im tired, i just got off of work and i have two chapters to read but i just found out that i dont have to move until i finish the semester which helps i was not looking forward to crashing at dope houses and trying to do college and work. There was a time when dope houses was the only place i was comfortable but several months ago i picked my home girl up at her uncles house( a dope house) and was like u need to come on. she asked me what was wrong and i told her i was just uncomfortable. she told me the Joe she remembered would walk into any dope house anywhere and feel right at home start calling shots and telling people to move around. That joe doesnt exist anymore. when i got jumped the other night i got back to roberts and dustin was like come on joe lets go get em. Once upon a time I wouldnt have stopped until they were all dead. but i look back now on the man i had always been, and i see a lot of things i didnt like. at the same time it is really hard trying to be this me, because im not used to backing down, in fact i have none of that in me. whats worse than that is not only am i fighting with myself on the issue but people that used to know me are asking whats up why haven't you handled that. and all i can think about is a woman who does not love me, before i went to yucca valley valley if someone had jumped me it would have been over with for them if i couldnt find them one on one i would have gotten a hold of jay and the two of us could handle 4 anybodies it didnt make a fuck. but i have strived so hard to make so many changes like when frankie jumped on me and i had that full beat but i was like dog im not doing this i let him up and he split my eye. i just want something different out of life and i have been working very hard to acheive what i want but most of the time it doesnt seem worth it