i just got home

so we lost electric last night for like two hours i didnt know how long it would be down so i called my sister to let her know why i was not on the comp any more or could not answer the phone. anyways they called my little cousin to come get me, he was drunk and partying with this cute big girl. so we went back to her place and there was a couple that lived their as well and they are getting married today but have only known each other a month so i related my last experience w/them since i was so ready to marry this fake ass ho, that really didnt give a damn about joe.

i guess the dude kinda got salty and my cousin was like dont take no offense my cousin just calls it like he sees it he cant be anything but real and most folk cant whoop him.

anyways we got real drunk and i was doing a whole lot of thinking see i am a hero and role model to so many of my younger family members that i did not even realize. when they look at me they see strength my little cousin told this house full of people that he could have never endured all that i've been through that it would have broke him down and killed him along time ago. i told him no you wouldve made it just like i have.

i guess my point is now i need to deserve all of that respect and honor, because it really is an honor to mean so much to so many. the fact that my life struggles, victory's and defeats have had such an impact on my family and they look to me for strength and encouragement

serena called last night she is really worried about me she said joe i know you and that she does second only to my sister i really wish i could love her like i used to but i just can't. i know for a fact that woman will love me with all she has until the day she dies she loved me when i was a junkie, a foofer, a waiter, a dope cook, wife beater, convict, fugitive, killer.her love never waivered and really her faith in me never did either she saw past all of the hurt and pain and anger in my eyes. she saw the love in me that i did not even know i had at that time.and slowly she chipped all of the stone away from my heart and it started to beat and i for the first time felt love.

but i was so young and stupid and i destroyed what we could have had you know in the year and a half we have been apart she has only been on one date not cause she could not get one just cause she knows they are not me that is love

my sister says you only find that kind of love once in a life time but i dont believe that i have just not been ready for it and one day i will be

amanda has a date tonight good for her but that just shows she never cared and never will