well amanda takes her vacation in less than one week and i cant help but to wonder how we went from us taking a vacation so she could see where i came from and meet my family and then living happily ever after.
it suprises me how easy it is for her, she used to lay her head on my chest and tell me she didnt know what she would do without me. I felt like she really needed me and appreciated me, i really thought for the most part that she was happy i was happy and i thought we were happy.
come to find out it had really been building up and instead of trying to talk about it all and making it work or at least trying she just threw me away.
on the way home i fucked up pretty bad i let some bar tramp suck my dick, i sold the jewlery that i had bought her for mothers day.
i told her about the jewlery and i thought that we were gonna work on our problems and try , but the night that i got home amanda told me that she started her monthly so she wasnt pregnant and that she thought we should go our seperate ways, so i told her about the bar tramp to hurt her and then the other night after my partner tried to kill me i called her and she didnt sound happy that i was alive or like she even cared at all, sometimes i really wonder if she ever really loved me or was she just trying to but couldnt so she made me leave then got scared that she may have been pregnant so she started talking to me until she found out that she was not pregnant because that is when she got so cold and indifferent.
i dont care what she believes i did not fuck saudia or any one else and i dont really care to all i can think of is how could i have stopped this from happening and what can i do to get her back. i wanted to make her a country boys wife and raise her to wonderful sons as my own teach them all i could and give them all i could a life that they deserve
i just cant seem to accept the fact that she really is through, that she is ready to just move on and forget she ever knew me or loved me if she ever really did i used to believe that she did but now i just dont know
my sister and dustin told me that i could move a trailor on to lot one, i guess to give me something to work for something to achieve or accomplish and i really do appreciate it and im gonna get a job and get a water meter and electric out there and then move a cheap trailor out there and totally remodel it on the inside and out.
at the same time i'm gonna buy a motorcycle and fix both of my trucks, i'm gonna put money back so that when i get everything set up a home to come back to and reliable transportation. i'm gonna hop on my bike with a couple thousand dollars a back pack and a tent and see whats out there. before i come tie myself down again i'm gonna find me again this me the me you see in the big pictures so sure and confident, very independant and self assured
i do love amanda and the life we couldve shared together and there is a small part of me hanging on to the hope that amanda will realize that she loves and misses me before i take off on a bike headed to no where i miss her and her boy very badly and wish every day that i was still there with them
1 comment:
That hurt!! I sit here and I cry reading your words.. I feel that I might have some to blame for Amanda cause she never liked me and she also knew that you loved me more than anything. I know you were happy up there with her and those boys I know that you really felt like you had what you have looked so long and hard to get. I am so sorry that it ended the way it did. I would agree that the things you said to Amanda to hurt her has alot to do with the fact that she gave up but then you have to think she gave up the night you packed your bags before she knew about the bathroom tramp before you said the hateful things you said. I don't know if she loved you any more than you do but I do know she gave up a good man that only wants a good wife and some bad (or good) kids. You were good to her you know that and I know that now just take it slow and you know what Michelle gave me some good advice for you yesterday Become the best man that you can be and stop looking for the right one and she will find you when the time is right. I thought that was good advice think about it you have looked for the right one let the right one find you it will happen you are to good of a man for anything but.
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